To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

I think the first sign of this not being right is the fact you're asking us this. If you're seeing this many red flags this early on in the relationship then who knows how bad it could get down the road. Definitely won't get better.

I'd cut my losses and move on.

He isn't nice and sweet. I'd dump him immediately, follow your child's instincts. Enough red flags for a forest of them.

@isthisokay7

First, this isn't about his childhood. It's about yours. Unless you take action to break patterns, you'll continue to choose abusive men. (Making your mind up not to do it again is nowhere near good enough and will seldom work, btw.)

Second, we're really quite horrendous generally when it comes to the truth about our pasts. We lie to others. Most of all we lie to ourselves. When someone says they've had a good childhood, and yet, as adults, find themselves in a cycle of abuse, then what has got them thus far is denial.

I’ve not read all the comments but I have read all the OP’s posts.

For goodness sake. Yet another thread about a sad, lonely women rushing into a relationship with a man she knows is wrong (at the expense of her kids).

And you clearly do know he’s wrong for you from the posts - I think you’ve called him pathetic and sad in there somewhere, even without the red flags. All your updates do is focus on how lonely you are.

I do sympathise, but you are a mother to a SEN child. Focus on that and your son, who should be your main concern. You know he’s wary of this new guy (doesn’t like him) - and to be fair who can blame him based on your relationship history and the men you’ve brought into his life. I’m not saying that to victim blame / shame you - anyone can be a victim of DV. You’ve come out of it and good for you, but for gods sake don’t repeat the pattern because you’re desperate for a man and any will do.

You’ve known this guy about 3 months and he’s already been introduced to you SEN son ? Why on earth did you think that was appropriate ? I’d not be introducing anyone to my kids until I knew the relationship was going somewhere, and I don’t see how you can know such a thing in less than a year. Even once he was introduced, it would be slowly and as a friend.

Get rid of this guy, work on your own self esteem issues and focus on looking after your son.

I have my DS to look after too so I just feel i'll never be able to get back into dating, sex etc.

You will! You just need ths right man, a decent man they are sometimes like rocking horse muck to find but they do exist there're just hard to find but its not impossible.

But no ones perfect and you can see that soie of these traitrs are well not fantastic but are bearable but some are run for it grade.

I can tell you that as a bloke there are women out there who are far from perfect too!!

All i suggest is dump and keep looking, and NEVER try to alter someones behaviour apart from thinghs like getting them to give up smoking you'll be in a hiding to nothing!!

And sadely get a good hiding sometimes doing it:(

I think the feedback we're giving the OP is about as useful as a chocolate teapot, btw.

I haven't read all of the OP posts, but what really stood out for me on the first page is that you said he is the nicest of all the people you've dated. That doesn't mean he is nice, or good, or right for you. It smacks of settling as he is the least worst. That is not the best thing to do. Walk away now and work on your self worth.

I don't know about the Freedom Programme but you seriously need to find a good counsellor/therapist.

Stop looking for a relationship to fix your life. It won't.

You sound a lot like a friend of mine and he sounds a lot like the man she's currently involved with (although is starting to have a lot of second thoughts). He seems really nice and caring on the surface, but from the 'outside' you can see the way he's 'weaseling' into her life (beyond what she's comfortable with).

Pushing too fast (4) and huge 'romantic' gestures in the early days is a HUGE red flag. So is being patronizing (5) as it indicates he feels he is superior to you. And the demand for 'instant contact' (ie the constant calls) is another huge one. Be very wary.

The man my friend is involved with is always texting/calling and finding myriad reasons to 'drop by' without calling. He gets 'pissy' if she doesn't answer or text back immediately. He expects her to admit him whenever he shows up and once actually walked into her house when she ignored the bell. She now has to keep her front door and her side gate closed and locked as he 'forgets' or 'thinks he heard her say come in'.

He's also starting to make 'comments' about other people who love her intended to show that only HE has her best interests at heart and that only HE knows the 'right thing' to do in any given situation. He's also a bit too 'helpful' and resents when she calls on anyone else for help. Even when she calls in a professional, like an electrician or a plumber.

He especially resents her asking her adult son for help or advice. Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to resent her adult daughter. In fact, he resents more any advice or help that comes from a male, directly or indirectly. He simply 'pooh-poohs' any advice from a female.

My friend is beginning to feel strangled. She's 'evaluating' and most likely will end the relationship very soon. Why she doesn't tell him to get to fuck right now is beyond me. But she's such a sweet person and hates to 'upset' anyone.

.

He's the best person out of everybody i've dated

Dating isn't compulsory - just because he's the best of (possibly a bad) bunch doesn't mean he's the right one.

This is a very new relationship so if you're having doubts already, I'd bail.
And next time take your time to introduce a new person to your son, he is the most important person in your life.

I agree wholeheartedly with Stephmix.
I understand you are lonely, but enjoy your DS, make the most of your life together, dont be desperate to just add anyone into your life.
When you're truly happy in yourself, and you stop searching, you're more likely to find someone who will truly be someone who's compatible with you and your son. Truly nice, not abusive or controlling who can give you a safe relationship with proper boundaries.
Until you let go of the despair of being on your own you'll continually just attract and accept men who are not good enough to be in a loving, stable and happy relationship, and just as importantly to be a person who adds to your sons life.

Your son has special needs and this guy gets panic attacks?

What kind of a life do you want?

He's an artist and his own art on the walls (which I actually think may be narcisstic??)

Being an artist, doesn't mean someone's intelligent, but putting their own art on the walls also doesn't mean they're narcs! I put my own art up on the walls, because my paintings are colourful and I like them, and I enjoy having colour around me. It's also cheaper than buying art from other artists (although I do have other's art on my walls too). Lots of artists have their own work on their walls. It doesn't mean anything.

Did you read my post about making new friends? I gave you some suggestions to explore.

Im afraid i agree with Afist the OP is so lonely although she can see the red flags she doesn't want to believe them and isn't ready to call it on the relationship and nothing anyone says will change her optimism he could still be the one despite all the good advice and experiences others have shared

Sounds like he is rushing you into a relationship that you will find hard to extricate yourself from. Once he has you, in a fresh area and under mummy's guidance you will begin to discover the sort of man he really is and the degree of control he expects.

As other PP have said, not every point you make is a red flag but I think he is working up to trapping you to caring for him as he gets older

Strangely, OP, my daughter could have written this post a couple of years ago. One apparently charming but very 'odd' man. He took her, unawares, to visit his mother (a very wealthy woman) Walked into her house mansion and announced "This is S, I will marry her by the end of this year"

Luckily daughter has excellent B/S radar and ghosted him.

isthisok7, i don't think one single reply has said this is ok!

My advice is dont waste your time.. I understand exactly where you're coming from re. no friends and its nice to have someone to do things/ go places with, but i've spent 10 years of my life using that reasoning.. you know where it leaves you? 10 years older and back where you started, but even more damaged!!!

Do the Freedom programme and break the cycle now.

Why do you say “he’s intelligent- 100%”, op? What are you basing this on?

You are lonely. Walk away from this man and think about making friends. Don’t think about romantic relationships. I have made close friends through an evening class, a choir, local campaigning, work, a book group, a SN parents group, an online forum about a hobby, etc. Find those bits of yourself. Love yourself. Spend time with your son. Loneliness and low self esteem are dangerous, and can be addressed without involving a romantic relationship.

I think, sadly, everyone is wasting their time. OP will justify your herself somehow that she’s mistaken and that he’s a good one. He really isn’t.

It’s tough being on your own and loneliness is a killer, but he’s probably capitalising on that. Being lonely is far preferable to how shit things could potentially get if you stay with him.

My abusive dad was intelligent, too. Charming, as well, very funny and charismatic, good looking, strong. -- It meant it was easier for him to manipulate those around him and to be abusive.

In context, supposed positive traits can actually be liabilities or make the more clearly problematic things worse.

You’re already saying you love him after 3 months. Isn’t that also a bit quick to fall so fast for someone. I’d say find someone more suitable and take things much, much slower.

Its not a red flag just because he has dated someone younger. When are some people going to get over their stupid hang ups about age differences.

Also, there is nothing at all lonelier than a bad relationship. Nothing.

Think you're right HopefullyAnonymous, he's reeled her in already..

Just run for the hills and dont look back, you need to put your son first before any relationship and maybe focus on doing the freedom programme and making some new friends, you dont need to get with any tom dick or harry to be happy and it seems your settling for just anyone.. if your own child isn't comfortable around him and going quiete just shows how much he isn't comfortable around your new fella and u need to put him first op