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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if these are red flags??

188 replies

isthisokay7 · 14/01/2020 13:35

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

  1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
  2. Past smoking addiction.
  3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
  4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
  5. He is patronising in arguments.
  6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though Envy makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.
He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

OP posts:
isthisokay7 · 14/01/2020 14:45

@74NewStreet

Because he seemed perfect - I guess he isn't :-(

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 14/01/2020 14:46

When someone is overly charming or too good to be true it is often the flip side to an angry and controlling nature.

If you aren't sure about this man why not keep the relationship entirely separate from your son and go on a date with him once or twice a week. After two or three years you will know him much better and be more sure how you feel about him.

If trying to maintain reasonable boundaries and "date" him (rather than marry or move in within months) creates drama, drama, drama and him throwing his toys out of the pram then you have your answer - ditch him.

Helpfullilly · 14/01/2020 14:46

The more I read of your descriptions of him the more I feel like I am playing abusive man bingo, unfortunately.

They start out nice, that's how they lure you in as if they started out as bad as they can be you wouldn't entertain them as a possibility. They also often do have some positive traits, but even the worst people do.

I don't think most abusers plan to consciously be abusive at the outset, but the underlying motivation is to hook in someone to meet all their needs or wants without that person being able to demand much of anything from them, and whose boundaries they don't have to respect. Thinking of it that way, do you feel you see signs of this even in his 'nice,' behaviour?

He's not respecting you or your boundaries, and trying to get close to you quickly and overwhelm you (either with 'positive' attention or sulking etc). I wonder if he reacts badly to you rejecting some 'nice' or supposedly positive actions you find too much or that aren't your thing? Telling you how you should feel, maybe?

With the depression and breakdowns statement, this worries me a lot in the context of other issues. I see it as potentially preparing you to feel sorry for him and as an excuse for his behaviour. Something to pull out later to manipulate you with, and to keep your attention on him and his feelings instead or yours or your son's.

I see something like this coming:

'Don't ask me not to criticise you, that's so mean and I am depressed. You are destroying my mental health.' -- When it's the other way around. He's the mean one and harming you, but making it about himself and turning your justified grievances around.

Or if he feels you are focusing too much on someone else or yourself I can see him having a supposed panic attack or break down. Then he gets all the attention and care and can pretend to be heroically struggling.

And:

'You can't leave me I am devastated and have depression,' and then mummy dearest texting about the devastating impact on him your ending the relationship has had...oh, wait...no, we've already had some of that.

Then you are made to feel awful, to doubt yourself and take him back out of pity. If that's happening you are being drawn into the cycle. I'm waiting for talk of suicide if you leave/supposedly hurt his feelings or pull away.

It's weird to be so open about depression and mental break downs with a new partner. It can put people off so they take time to build up trust and are more likely to down play such things. My husband has had challenges with depression but he took time tell me and when he did he emphasised how he took responsibility for his own mental health, for getting treatment and sticking with it. He didn't try to make me feel he was vulnerable or might need me to treat him with special care or sympathy. He wanted me to know while it had impacted him he had strategies to help himself should it re-occur, he hasn't even acted like it's my responsibility to fix him or manage his moods or might need special handling by me.

When it comes up like that it's a red flag.

But there are a forest of them now. He needs to go before it gets worse.

If you find you are repeatedly going for men like this it's probably linked in some way to your upbringing and self esteem. Women's Aid might be able to help with counselling so you can spot these men more easily...and it is also easier to see when it's not you it's happening to, like a lot of things. So, try not to feel bad about yourself for not seeing this guy coming or you won't find someone lovely eventually. You just need a bit of help.

Wildorchidz · 14/01/2020 14:46

How many men have you introduced to your son ?

Pollaidh · 14/01/2020 14:48
  1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
Not red flag per se.
  1. Past smoking addiction.
Actually I'd see this as a positive - he had the willpower to change, and that's hard.
  1. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
Not necessarily a red flag, there are some very happy age difference marriages. A red flag if it's a pattern as could suggest he wants women he can manipulate.
  1. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
Major red flag. I'd be out of there.
  1. He is patronising in arguments.
This alone would probably make be dump him. Suggests a lack of respect which might signal a deeper attitude towards women/younger people.
  1. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though envy makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.
On it's own not a red flag, but rather strange.
  1. He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.
Major red flag, suggests controlling tendencies.

4, 5 , and 7 alone would have me running.

TheHibernatingHobbit · 14/01/2020 14:49

Why did you pay to be on there?

You hoped you were getting a select group of men, one of which could add to your life in a positive way.

The issue is, he isn't doing that.

Why pay to be on a dating site, when your BF is the best of a bad bunch. You want to be loved, you don't want to be lonely. Let's scrap the first one for the time being as you have your son. Imagine how it impacts him, seeing his Mum with a guy who he's not overly fond of either.

It's up to you, whatever you choose to do. Working on yourself though, does seem to be what's needed. You're still young, there's so much you can do to abate the loneliness. Getting a man to fill that void isn't always the answer.

Helpfullilly · 14/01/2020 14:49

That should be EVER acted like...

isthisokay7 · 14/01/2020 14:50

@Wildorchidz

Only two men before this one. I have had lots of relationships though and DS's dad was the worst Sad

OP posts:
bibliomania · 14/01/2020 14:51

I don't think most abusers plan to consciously be abusive at the outset, but the underlying motivation is to hook in someone to meet all their needs or wants without that person being able to demand much of anything from them, and whose boundaries they don't have to respect.

Yyy to all of this.

messolini9 · 14/01/2020 14:52

But why would he pay to be on an official dating app to abuse me?

Why would a car thief be hanging around a car park?
Why would a shoplifter be frequenting the high street?
Why does a pick-up artist pay to get into late night clubs?
Why does a football hooligan go to pubs where the opposition drink?
Why does a paedophile lurk around playgrounds?

DennyKingsland · 14/01/2020 14:52

In these conversations, the “good things” about the man is almost always that he does something (cooks me a meal) or buys something (nice little presents). Anyone can do that for a finite time. But how does he make you feel?

If he’s not consistently making you feel safe, trusted, comfortable and content, he’s not someone to shape your life around. Everybody deserves better.

isthisokay7 · 14/01/2020 14:54

@dennykingsland

But that's how HE DOES make me feel. Safe, trusted, comfortable and content, but that's like another side of him. It's fucking hard.

OP posts:
TheHibernatingHobbit · 14/01/2020 14:56

No no no no no - what do you need to talk to him for? He's going to just give you excuses and reasons and more love bombing. Possibly tears, a text or two from Mummy.

How do you know it was his Mum that text? I don't know that many people in his Mums age range to text & email. Which leads me on to if his Mum did do that, how did she get your number/email?

Tombliwho · 14/01/2020 14:56

You sound naive and vulnerable and hoping to see the best in people it's quite scary. You're like a target for a man like this OP. Please do some work on building yourself.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 14/01/2020 14:57

Normal, decent people (including men) feel safe to be with all the time. There are no "other sides" to them.

crosspelican · 14/01/2020 14:58

Red flags right left and centre!

It's okay that this guy hasn't worked out. You wouldn't have posted this thread if you genuinely thought all this was fine - you already KNOW he's batshit and going to get worse. But no harm done - you've known him 3 months, so make your excuses and move on.

You've done the right thing by LISTENING to your instincts. You could see that things were weird, you asked people outside your own circle for objective responses and they've been pretty much consistently "RUN FOR THE HILLS", so your instincts were right.

TheFastandTheCurious · 14/01/2020 14:58

My last relationship was three years ago. He was a horrid man who hit DS, but he seemed nice at first too

This stands out the most, yet you still allowed a man you barely know into your son's life

Motoko · 14/01/2020 15:02

Thank you all for your advice. I'll talk to him and have a look at this freedom proggrame.

OP, there's nothing to talk to him about. He will brush away your concerns, or promise to change. Do not get into a discussion. I suggest you just send a text, saying it's not working for you, and then BLOCK his number (and his mother's).

If he uses his MH to manipulate you, saying he's no longer got a reason to live, blah, blah, blah, tell him he needs to see his GP. He won't commit suicide, even if he threatens it, but even if he did, that would be on him, not you.

Lweji · 14/01/2020 15:02

There's a long list of why you should dump him.

Everyone has good points.

You need to just look at the bad points and see if it's something that you can live with or not.
Patronising
Want you to move (where?)
Want you to commit too soon
Dumps you and then gets back the next day
Constant calls (controlling)
Threats (even if from his mother)

Does this sound like the making of a happy relationship?

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 15:03

Stop introducing these randoms to your son, op Hmm. One of them hit him??

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/01/2020 15:05

I am going to go and ignore you until you can end your puerile tone

Do YOU think he's intelligent, OP? Or does he try to blind you with words like 'puerile', which he doesn't even seem to be using quite correctly?

It's not so much the red flags as the fact that you seem desperate to be loved and dated that would worry me.

Maybe come over to our Happy Singletons thread on here and hear from some people who are making their single lives feel great!

Helpfullilly · 14/01/2020 15:10

So you are saying he has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, loving one moment but also someone else who is insecure and controlling?

That's another stamp on the Bingo card I am afraid.

As others have said, people shouldn't display multiple faces or extreme personality shifts. It's a sign that one of those sides or faces is a mask. Nice, loving people don't wear unpleasant masks, but abusive ones wear those of nice, attentive, loving men.

isthisokay7 · 14/01/2020 15:10

@74newstreet, Yes. He was an asshole.

@Zaphodsotherhead Oh, he is intelligent, 100%! He's an artist and his own art on the walls (which I actually think may be narcisstic??) I'll check out the thread now.

OP posts:
RedSoles · 14/01/2020 15:13

We had an argument and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Next day got back with me and said it's normal for couples to argue. Yes, but like this???
I 'broke up' with him for a week or so and got constant apologizing messages, his mum telling me i've broken his heart!!

This is NOT normal. The rush to propose and asking you to move rings alarm bells. I don’t mean to scaremonger but I was with a bloke just like this - even down to his mum getting involved when we argued and her ringing me constantly when I eventually dumped him, trying to get me to go back to him and insinuating that he was going to kill himself as he was so distraught. This was a 40 year old man! Long story short, I now have an indefinite restraining order against him. Turns out he had form for harassing and stalking his ex and then did the same to me when we split up. He was lovely in the beginning but turned into a controlling, unhinged nightmare.
I would seriously cut your losses here, work on yourself and your self esteem for a bit and try to make some new friends as it sounds like you’re very lonely and looking for a man to fill the void. I think the freedom programme is a good shout too.

Apirateslifeforme · 14/01/2020 15:13

Add another one for your relationship, not him perse- "were trying to" ... in regards to getting your son into a school.

You shouldn't be letting him get close enough to DS parenting issues either.

You're responsible for some of these red flags too.

Hes been around since October, good rule is to not introduce a new partner to kids for 3 months plus, even then, let them know each other slowly. No way should he be anywhere near involved enough to feel like any of this is his business yet.

But no. I'd run. Too many red flags here, but next time please keep a distance for a while. Dont go rushing in and exposing DS to anyone until you're fairly certain about them, and from that point, gradually allow them in further to you and DS life.

Anyone who doesn't accept that doesn't need to be in you and DS life.