To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

@AfistfullofDolores1

My relationship with my parents was not so good. Slapped, etc. His seemed to be perfect???

Stop and think. You barely know this person let alone love him.

There are so many mile high red flags in your posts I don't know where to begin.

I didn't know that it was bad to let my son know sad I wanted him to get adjusted to him ASAP in case he was 'the one'

What possessed you to let this man meet your child so soon? I couldn't have children but even I know that the minimum time for introducing a potential partner to your child is six months to a year. Frankly your DS sounds as if he is better at reading the signs than you are.

I’m thinking he likes younger or easier to manipulate women- someone whose vulnerable in some way.

Past smoking wouldn’t bother me- we all have bad habits and the word past suggest he has now quit. Not an issue for me.

Proposing so soon would have made me run- same with moving- he is already trying to have some form of control over you. The constant messages etc are too much. Even his mum saying that if you hurt him she will be angry is too much tbh.

I also think even the depression could be a red flag that he has told you so early on and wonder if he will use this down the line to emotionally abuse you. I’m epileptic and I think I’d been seeing my now partner about 6 months before I told him that, and only then because we were out and he asked if I wanted another drink and I told him I can’t really and he asked why.

He’s already patronising you in arguments- he will take any self esteem you have left if you stay with him.

OP I say this in the kindest way, it sounds like you have been through one hell of a time, this man is an abuse case waiting to happen. He has picked you as a victim. Please do the freedom programme.

My exh sent me flowers the first week then a necklace and the following week to me to see a show.
Guess what he did it all all the other women to.
Actually the same online website, only difference was the show. I had already seemed the one he'd taken the other 5 too lol.
First thing I put in my diary about he was - He's Nice.
3 years on and he nearly broke me with is self Misery, still needed to cheat on me and is currently on bail for harassment.
He harassed the others to, some for longer than others and still at times when he had a new women.

If you saw him or knew him you wouldn't believe what he does or how he gets away with it.
I knew the first time I met him there was something odd but stupidly I thought I was being to mean.

I miss somebody telling me they love me. I miss going places etc

You can do this with your son; it's not quite the same but the love is so much purer

Please stop the subscription to the dating site.

I think you have things you really need to focus on. I think you need to build yourself up, before having a relationship you have to build up.

I would hazard a guess you're both relatively insecure, which is a recipe for disaster in itself.

There's so many opportunities out there for you, such as learning something new, developing an existing interest. With the main focus on you being happy. As it sounds like you went into this, thinking a man would fix it all. If you're not happy with you, that will show. There are men out there, who will do what appears like all the right things. Once you're spending more time together at home, you think about living together, then you're buggered, as if Prince Charming turns out to be the stuff of nightmares, bearing in mind the lack of self confidence, you're stuck.

You didn't post here for us to respond, wow, this is a dream come true. Trust your instincts.

It's January so colleges will have courses starting. The old fashioned way of getting to know someone steadily, over time, helps you know if there's really something to work on. Plus whether it's a course or group etc, you'll make friends too.

I'm not surprised you can't stop thinking about him. The thing about love-bombing is that it does actually work - he has tried to force inappropriate bonds with you very quickly and has been successful up to a point. But it won't last. If you're confused now, you'll be a hell of a lot more confused later on when the love-bombing stops and the unpleasant behaviour is here to stay.

But why would he pay to be on an official dating app to abuse me?

Sorry but yes, many many red flags there. I was with a man when I was much younger who was also ‘prone to breakdowns’. He tried to commit suicide about two months after I met him, he went missing firstly after texting me to say goodbye etc then threw himself in front of a bloody car. Anyway, he was abusive throughout our relationship despite also having a kind and sweet side. When I say abusive I mean emotionally mostly but sometimes physically and when I ended it he stalked me for almost a year.

You need to protect both yourself and your DS. Proposing to someone after a month or two is not healthy either.

Is he living with his mum?

Anyway OP, stop making fucking excuses for staying with this man! Of course you want to feel loved and wanted, we all do, but it's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that's showing these red flags, that you recognise as red flags.

Even ONE red flag is enough to end a relationship. You wouldn't drink a cup of shit, but equally, you wouldn't drink a cup of tea that had a speck of shit in it. This is the same.

You need to end this now. Stop introducing your son to all these random men. Get some therapy to work on your self esteem, and do the Freedom Programme.

I also suggest you try to make some friends, so you don't rely on one man to spend time with. Having friends will also help with your self esteem issues.
Find a book group, a knit and knatter or stitch and bitch group, a running group, anything that sounds interesting or fun. Meetup.com might be an avenue to look at, there are lots of meetups with other people (it's not a dating site, but a site for finding people to do things with) doing different things. Join Gingerbread, a group for single parents, or find a local group for families with SEN children.

You need to work on yourself, before you go back to dating, otherwise you're going to continue getting involved with these unsuitable men.

Urgh, run away, concentrate on your son.

You dont need a man to validate you and certainly not this one.

The op doesn't want advice or help; she keeps on making excuses.
Any decent mother would put her child first and stop putting him in harms way; not only from physical harm but the mental harm from yet another break up

('I am going to go and ignore you until you can end your puerile tone' is one thing he said)

He's already abusing you OP, & sadly, it seems that your life experience has taught you that it's acceptable to be abused - so much so that you are not even fully sure when it is happening.

Alongside the Freedom Programme, I recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft.
Here is an excerpt, describing one specific type of abuser, who Bancroft terms "Mr Sensitive" - www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218687-the-central-attitudes-driving-mr-sensitive-are-i-m-against-the

It is concerning generally that your man is pushing the relationship along so fast. More specifically, he has chosen to introduce the subject of his mental health quite startlingly soon & it seems in quite a lot of detail. I imagine he presents this to you in the guise of being up-front & honest. I wonder if he is actually manipulating you by this early disclosure - is he testing your boundaries, seeing how much you will put up with, how far he can push you, how much of his emotional responsibility you will assume for him?

Here is the full Lundy Bancroft book - "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men"
I heartily recommend that you read this - given your previous relationship, you need a resource you can learn from quickly, & gain comfort, support & tactics from, because people who have become victims of abusive relationships are the likeliest candidates to fall into another one. Bancroft writes clearly, instructively, & really helps women unerstand the pattern of behaviour (the 'script') that all abusive men use. Once you understand this, you will always recognise the pattern, & be able to avoid Angry & Controlling Men in future.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read it, & do The Freedom Programme.

Buying you necklaces etc this early on is a red flag, not a green one.

He's told me lots of stories about his past and I felt as if I knew everything about him. You've only heard what he wants you to know - don't think that just because he'll tell you bad stuff along with the good that it means he's told you even the half of it.

The good times will feel amazing because you'll be experiencing joy and relief that you're not arguing or going through a bad patch. It was like this with my abusive exH. I'm in a genuinely healthy relationship now and it's a revelation.

But why would he pay to be on an official dating app to abuse me?

Because it's clearly an extremely effective way to gain access to fresh victims, obviously.

I miss somebody telling me they love me. I miss going places etc. :-(

First you need to learn to love yourself.

You can go places on your own. Or try Meetup.

Never mind your poor son, who is obviously picking something up, as long as you get to go out. That's all that matters, yes?

Sorry for being so blunt, but you know you need to get out of this, but all I hear is how much you will miss him and bleating about meals and necklaces...please (and I mean this nicely) take other's advice and do the freedom programme.

But why would he pay to be on an official dating app to abuse me?

Well, not you in particular.

Because he wants to find someone to have sex with him and give him massive amounts of attention.

Okay.

Thank you all for your advice. I'll talk to him and have a look at this freedom proggrame.

Thank you x

the other side is babyish, pathetic and annoying - If you are thinking this three months in, do you think these traits will improve or grow legs and drive you insane by year three? He doesn't sound great to be honest.

What made you think this loser with issues was right for you?

The big one here is the rush to get married, that's always a massive warning sign.

I voted YABU because I thought you were being unreasonable to be in a relationship with him. Moving far too quick with kids involved.

I think if you are asking the question, then he's not right for you. If he was right, there would be no doubts, and there obviously are

Bail out now.