To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

about him being close to his mum, when i first met her she said 'If you ever hurt my name of him I'll be bloody angry!' along the lines of that. He seems very pathetic around her and she seems overprotective of him??

RUN.

The nice caring and sweet in that context is love bombing and he sounds totally unhinged.

Anyone who admits "he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns" so early on is totally socially unaware anyway and that would be a huge deal breaker in it's self.

For your son's sake primarily. Run like the fucking wind.

It was way too much too soon. You met in October, by January he is involved getting involved with your sons schooling, has proposed and wants you to move.
The fact you have had had relationships in the past makes it all the more important to slow down, seriously. Make sure you get the measure of these men before you allow them to be around your vulnerable child.
Yeah its hard to get the time for yourself to date and enjoy things but your son is surely the priority here?

I would honestly concentrate on your DS right now, as he has GCSE's looming.

Do you have many friends you can talk to?

I'm wondering if you would be better doing something you enjoy, getting to know men that way, as it'll be gradual, if there's a spark, you can decide to take it further. Join a group or a class, where there's time for interaction.

It does sound like you need to concentrate on yourself, if a good point is, he's the best out of a bad bunch.

I would think about what is it that makes you want to be in a relationship now.

*bad

run as fast as you can.
These aren't red flags, these are blaring sirens.
You seem to be keen to find excuses for him - are you really this desperate for a relationship? Believe me, no relationship is better than a bad one.

He said 'I am going to go and ignore you until you can end your puerile tone'

Aaaagh! A dumpable offence just for that.

Just because it’s nice to spend time with someone doesn’t mean you have to settle for someone who isn’t right for you. You must know he’s not right for you or your DS otherwise you wouldn’t of posted this post.

I miss somebody telling me they love me. I miss going places etc. :-(

He has known you 3 months, wants you to move, wants to get married, is a depressive inclined to nervous breakdowns, is patronising, has a worrying relationship with his mother, is already intrusive with phone contact & expectation that you will respond, your son does not like him ...

Yeah sure no red flags here, not in the least as if you are being set up for isolation, co-dependence & ending up as this guy's sole support & crutch.

He's the best person out of everybody i've dated. It's confusing.
It's not confusing. It's simple:
You clearly dated some seriously unsuitable blokes & have consequently set your bar WAY too low.
I thnk you should dump Mr Annoying, & stop dating altogether until you have had some expert support in exploring why your bar is so low, why you have been attracted to dates who are even worse than Mr Annoying, what your background has been to allow yourself to consider dates of such a low standard, & how to improve your self esteem so that you no longer feel that it's ok for you to be dating weirdos.

Really OP.
You already find this geezer annoying. You dont need to do this to yourself. Dump him, & please find an excellent therapist & start working on your self-esteem. When you have invested time in increasing your self-worth, you will find that you not only attract a nicer quality of man, but that you are clearer in spotting the duds & rejecting them as unsuitable for you.

I 'broke up' with him for a week or so and got constant apologizing messages, his mum telling me i've broken his heart!!

Run now, fast, & don't look back.
His mum FFS ... keep running.

Your ex hit your son???
Fml why can't you stay single until your son is grown up? He needs your attention

@BlueEyedGreeness

I'm just so bloody lonely though

You can go places without taking a weird, patronising arse who thinks it's normal for his mum to text his girlfriends at 53!

Put your shoes and coat on and just go out. Art galleries, cinemas, restaurants, and gigs.

I'm not saying he doesn't suffer from depression, but on hearing about his behaviour, I am saying when you do end it, he will tell you he's having a breakdown. Just be aware of the manipulation before it occurs.

But for some reason, I can't stop thinking about him?? I feel so weird.

tried to propose last month

He sounds invasive of your boundaries/needs

he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns

It's one thing to say I had xxx, I was nervous of telling you as worried what you might think when they have good coping strategies. But being prone to breakdowns does not suggest they do, and it will make your life unhappy. He is giving you a get-out and I would take it.

In your own words OP, he is “babyish, pathetic and annoying”. The fact you can think this of him shows you don’t really love him. If you had fallen in love with him you should be in the honeymoon stage after 3 months. But he has these awful traits and you can see that for yourself.

You also say he is “intelligent, caring and perfect”. Well he’s clearly far from perfect. No one is perfect but he’s a long way short.

I get that you are lonely but don’t settle for an arsehole. You’re worth more than that and so is your son.

145 and 6 massive red flags
is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call --also huge red flag.
2 and 3 I'd be OK with.

@isthisokay7

I think you need to step away from the dating altogether and face up to the reasons why you choose abusive men and why you're not able to see that this one is the same.

I think the fact you have written a list/feel there are things to write on a list is a red flag full stop!

If you are uncomfortable enough to write them down then they must be red flags for you.

Why can't you take yourself places?

Go to activities where you'll be around and interacting with other people even if it doesn't turn into friendship?

It would be a lot to take on, maybe you are not that person if you are having doubts.

IMHO when hormones run too wild it's not actually a good sign.

Trust your gut.

But for some reason, I can't stop thinking about him?? I feel so weird.

That weird feeling is the past coming back into awareness.

What was your relationship with your parents like? What was their relationship like with each other? Almost certainly it was less than perfect.

Ex smoker is not a red flag.... that’s just a poor choice for his own health and has zero to do with how he will treat you.

However..... many of the other things are worrying. Who proposes after a month? Think I would knock it on the head. Sounds very needy and I think could potentially emotionally drain you at best and at worst become controlling