To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

Another one saying run, sorry OP. I don't think you are, I think you're going to talk to him and let him talk you round, but please, look at all the responses, no one is saying to stay with him.

But the point is about CONSISTENCY. If he's only making you feel those positive things between pressuring, patronising and manipulating you at this is at the start of the relationship which end of the scales do you think he's going to end up?

Good luck OP. I hope you'll be able to hear some of the things all the PPs have said. x

Having been married to someone with anxiety/depression, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You are constantly being their mother not their wife,

Agree with Stephminx and the other MANY posters here. You need to focus on your DS and put his needs first. He has already been subjected to violence from a previous partner. Don't make the same mistake twice by continuing with this relationship and I am sorry if I sound mean but FFS woman, get a grip! You're 42 and sound like you're 15.

You met him in OCTOBER and you say you love him, he's met your DS, and he wants you to move? RUN!! I've had cups in my room since earlier than October!!!

4,5,6 and possibly, 1- would be all red flags for me.

Two months in and all these red flags already??? And you have to ask what to do?

Run for the hills!

End it and focus on your ds.

Well... reading your list is not giving me fanny gallops. You can do better OP.

This is all very fast! And 4-6 and your son not being comfortable would make me run.
He proposed after 2 months and wants you all to move - I’d be concerned this is love bombing, and you seem to have fallen for him big time in that short period of time so it’s working. Generally this later shows to have been the start of very controlling behaviour.

I would run. Block him on everything.

Have you googled his name to see if anything questionable comes up?

You have already brought a man into your son's life who hit him? You are right to not trust your own judgment. You need therapy. You do not need to be in a relationship until you work on yourself. Take care of your son, take care of yourself. Stay away from relationships until you get your head sorted. Seriously.

OP, you clearly don't want to hear us, but you need to drop this man like a hot potato.

The more you've written, the more it's clear this bloke is seriously bad news for you AND your son.

And given what you wrote about his mum, I strongly suspect he'll always put her first.

ALL abusers seem nice at the start, no one would date them otherwise.

Run. A. Mile

I would call these red flags. Trying to rush into a commitment too soon would really put me off.
It's a big fat no from me I'm afraid.

He sounds worse with every update

What is there to talk about? Just block him (and his mum) and move on

You've only known him a few weeks! The depression and nervous breakdowns would be a dealbreaker for me, just why get involved? As for middle-aged mummy's boy ... no thanks!
You don't 'love him dearly.' You have understandably been enjoying the novelty of being cooked for/taken out.
Don't settle for this. Anything is NOT better than nothing.

Living with someone with depression is extremely hard. I would say it's definitely harder to live with someone who has it than to actually be a sufferer of the disease. I would also be wary of the mummy's boy aspect.

You have only known him a very short amount of time. It should be excitement and fun at this stage.
He shouldn't have met your son, he certainly has no say in your son's life. He might listen to you moan about him, but no more than you listen to him moan about (having to drive 10+ miles to get the right paints or whatever).
The Proposal is a huge neon red flag!

You don't love him- you are in the first heady days of a new relationship - its endorphins and things, not love.
Do you have a father fixation? These pay for sites tend to have two things in common: people have jobs/cash, and men especially tend to be older. Do they have the attitude that spending money means they deserve more?

Abusive doesn't mean the same as physically violent. And lots of rich men/people are abusive - they get away with it easier, they can buy people off. The richer you are the easier it is to get away with being unpleasant - eg. Harvey Weinstein - do you think John the refuse collector would have been able to get away with abusing so many women? (At least if he didn't have some other power like being related to people in gang culture or something.)

I also think you should tip off the dating agency about your concerns; if they are a reputable matchmaking agency (most aren't!), they should know about his mental health history and that he's been rushing you inappropriately. If they're at all concerned for their clients, either would be grounds for suspending his membership. Most of these agencies are just money-grabbers though!

The worst to me is the inconsistency between saying he didn't want to be with you any more and then passing it off as a regular quarrel the next day.

If someone expects you to be psychic and just know what they really mean and what's said in haste and anger and they never go first and fast to say sorry, you're set for an emotional rollercoaster of never knowing what is really going on.

Is that permanent uncertainty really something you can live with?

Thank you all for your advice. I'll talk to him

Talk to him about what? He'll only spin you some more yarn!

You need to get healthy, less needy, and learn to love yourself.

The Freedom Programme and Lundy Bancroft's book are a good start.

But also build a life that doesn't depend on a man.

Even if he was perfect you’ve known him what, 12 weeks? He shouldn’t have met your son!

I could be way off the mark here but anyway,,,, he's looking for women on a professional people dating site, ie, women with money. He's lovebombing you and proposing and wanting to live together after 3 months. The cynic in me thinks conman after your money. I would make it clear you don't want to live with him. Hope I'm wrong though.

Hi mumsnetters,

I have given this thread a read, and have made the decision to block him and run. I want the best for my son and me.
Thank you for the advice.

You have only been together a few months. This is the honeymoon period. It doesn't get better than this. You should each think the other is perfect, and should both be on your best behaviour.

If you have made a list of red flags already, I'd say that is a bad sign. A very bad sign.

Arguing already? And he's patronising? You're not going to change him.
Mummy's boy and Mummy far too invested in him - yuk, run a mile.
Asking you to marry him - bonkers.

Agree that he should not have met your ds and your ds should be your priority.

If you're lonely, go out and meet new people, make friends. Don't settle for this bloke just because you think he's the best your going to get. It's much better to be on your own than in a shitty relationship.

Good luck OP. I’m sorry to be negative too but I think your DS should always come first