To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

My last relationship was three years ago. He was a horrid man who hit DS, but he seemed nice at first too.
But I get a different 'vibe' from this man. He seems too good to be true at times, not just nice??

Could you tell me a bit about what's it like to be in a relationship with somebody with depressive tendencies?
Of course. When it's good, it's great, and feels so right. I remember feeling with ex that it was fate that brought us together, we were meant to be etc etc. Then he had a spell of depression, and I was just constantly anxious, like I had a tight knot in the pit of my stomach that was just getting tighter and tighter. I did everything to make his life easier, and, of course, it made no difference. I lost my own joy tbh (always felt that depression is the most infectious condition of all.) I adored him but it turned into an awful dynamic. I felt responsible for his happiness.
He then left me, went back to his (abusive) ex. He subsequently blamed it on the depression.
I have since suffered from depression myself, so I know it from that perspective too.

That's not normal and not love. Saying he loves you doesn't mean he does. Lovebombing you doesn't mean he does. Buying you presents in between being manipulative or unpleasant doesn't mean he does.

Abusive warning signs cannot be counterbalanced by anything.

All abusers start off at least partly charming otherwise they'd never get close enough to anyone to commit abuse.

Being with someone prone to depression is fucking awful. You'll be constantly on eggshells wondering if you're saying or doing the right thing. And in my case it was combined with him being an abusive arsehole, so massively crap.

That doesn't sound like depression. That sounds like an abusive man who used depression as his go to excuse to get you to tolerate his behaviour.

You haves DS with SEN to care for
He comes first
so do not take in anyone with their own issues

His mam sent a message saying you broke his heart? Within 3 months of meeting him? That's weird.

@KnickerBockerAndrew The start that you described is how I felt. Exactly how I felt.
Oh shit. I'm not good at this am I

He's told me lots of stories about his past and I felt as if I knew everything about him but now am wondering if I don't.

1. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
2. He is patronising in arguments.

I'd say these were the big red flags.

Depression isn't a red flag as such imo, but you do need to be honest with yourself about the impact it could have on you and whether you are willing/able to deal with that.

we were discussing a person that i liked who was on the telly. The woman was in an abusive relationship and I talked to him about it. He said 'I admit that they didn't have the best relationship, but they were perfect for each other. Have you seen HIS work? just as good as hers'

So he thinks abuse is okay then. Nah, OP, your instincts are kicking in. He seems too good to be true because his current persona isn't true - but the mask keeps slipping.

Nope I'd be out of there. You've also rushed this with your son involved if I'm honest.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It teaches this stuff so you can safely avoid abusive people and have healthy relationships instead.

Because trying to work out if a new man is abusive by comparing him on his best behaviour at the start of your relationship to an ex at his most extreme abuse is a dangerous way to assess whether someone is abusive or not. Of course he's going to seem better!

Different abusers use different tactics. They have different personalities.

This guy is still busy trying to reel you in. He's not going to be hitting anyone yet.

Abuse is about power and control.

I didn't know that it was bad to let my son know I wanted him to get adjusted to him ASAP in case he was 'the one'

Of course you don’t know everything about him, you’ve known him for 3 months. Way to soon to even meet his mum, let alone have her calling you saying you’ve broken his heart. Bin him off OP, there are plenty of fish in the sea who aren’t complete toss pots.

I think if you're questioning things now, that's a gut feeling and you know what you need to do. It's been 3 months, I think you know that whilst you have the initial buzz, if things are smouldering now it's time to get out.

For future relationships, since your child has SN I would say wait 6-12 months before introducing, as you never know how things will turn out. It's a big thing for a child to go through. It will impact them not only now but in the future too.

You want Mr Right, not Mr He'll Do

Maybe put on your dating advert that you don't want to date a smoker or anyone who casually smokes. Just to clear that demographic.

You don't know everything about his past. You only know the stories he's told you and they aren't guaranteed to be true.

4-6 very red flags. There's no amount of cooking or necklaces that would make these acceptable. It all sounds a bit bonkers from the outside - too quick, too melodramatic. Lots of us have lived it and/or seen it all before. Run for the hills with your son!

I will have a look at the freedom programme. THNX.

About it being abuse, i don't feel like he KNOWS that he's doing this??
He seems so sensitive and like he wouldn't want to hit me?? He's quite chill most of the time, even chill in arguments although talking to me as if I am a child ('I am going to go and ignore you until you can end your puerile tone' is one thing he said)

So many red flags. Please end this.

Being single is much more appealing!

I've been single for too long now though. No friends. Nobody to spend time with. It's nice to have a man who can take you out to places

You know the answer to this. You just don't want to accept it. How normal do you think it is to look for red flags in a perfectly healthy relationship? We tend to be overly optimistic at the start of things (yes, can be overly cautious too) and want to believe that things will work out. It should not be this hard, this early on.

In your post, you basically describe two different men. One who is nice, caring, and sweet, and one who is controlling and patronising. That's not a good sign. But you know this. You've already said that you have recognised the patterns. It's interesting that you are worried about being paranoid - anyone ever negate your emotions before? Is that part of your previous pattern? The problem is that once these frameworks are in place, it is so easy for someone to walk in and start pushing the right buttons. My Dad has NPD, so I am very vulnerable to people with narcissistic traits. I have no defense against them, and have to give them a wide berth. It sounds to me like this guy has walked right into the perfect set up for him, and is trying to push your buttons (so to speak).

There are lots of stuff I could say, but I will stick with a couple of things. He is 53 and his mum sent you messages about how upset he was?

Has your mum ever sent messages to a boyfriend telling them to take you back?

He's the best person out of everybody i've dated. It's confusing.

Read this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

A user named Reality once said, "Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none."

She was right.

They all know what they're doing. You're making excuses for him.

If he had control of you without physical violence then he may not hit you. But if he can't maintain control without it...

I assume you normally avoid anyone who looks at risk of hitting you imminently? Did you think your ex would end up hitting your son when you first met?

And if you think being spoken to like that is an improvement from your last relationships I feel incredibly sad for you. That's not a positive in his favour.

I wanted him to get adjusted to him ASAP in case he was 'the one'

Huh?

In the nicest way possible I really think you should not be dating anybody until you've had therapy and done the Freedom Programme.

1, 2 and 3 aren't flags.

4 isn't cool if your on different pages but in itself I wouldn't consider it a flag,

5 needs speaking about every single time

6 being close with his mum is not a flag, it's lovely in fact.

Constantly phoning you is perhaps a sign of the infectious infatuation first stage of a relationship? If it makes you uncomfortable then perhaps talk to him, it's only a flag if he reacts badly to the perfectly acceptable request.

The fact that you say 'he's the best out of the people I've dated' speaks volumes

Get rid and work on yourself
It's boring advice but god you will appreciate it when you find someone who adores you in an appropriate way