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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 14/01/2020 09:00

Tell him having a penis is no deterent to holding a hoover....

CakeandCustard28 · 14/01/2020 09:03

If he’s not working this morning, I’d leave it for him to do. Teach him a lesson. Grin

Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 09:06

That would annoy me too. Do it to him back.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 09:07

He doesn't work, he's my carer. I have social anxiety so he seems to think as he does the school runs and gets bits from the shop (I do main shops online) that everything IN the house is mainly down to me to sort

OP posts:
SquareAsABlock · 14/01/2020 09:10

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

To be honest, if I'd taken the kids to school and come back to find my other half hadn't moved an inch/put away a single thing as a start, I'd probably be wondering if they had any intention of doing anything as well.

Does he usually do any tidying? If it's always down to you, that's different and you have a right to be annoyed.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 14/01/2020 09:10

Yes I think you should leave it now and tell him why. I should have done that early on with exh- let him know that ordering you to do things you would have done anyway results in them not happening.

Yes he will say “you never intended to do it” but don’t be fazed by that! You can say “next time wait and see”.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 14/01/2020 09:11

Just read your update - it’s worse if he’s being paid (presumably) to care for you! Why should you do all the housework in that instance?

Whynosnowyet · 14/01/2020 09:24

Does he get carers allowance? Use it to pay a cleaner. He obviously doesn't deserve it.. Carer does not mean boss.

thaegumathteth · 14/01/2020 09:26

A lot depends on how much you both normally do surely? If it's normally you doing it and thinking about it etc then he's out of order, if it's usually him then I don't think he is.

sillysmiles · 14/01/2020 09:27

Or maybe he was planning his day in is head and knowing you aren't leaving until 11 means that tidying is one less thing to do.

Straycatstrut · 14/01/2020 09:27

Has he been doing a lot recently?

We don't know the full picture. He could have been doing a lot of cooking, stuff with the kids, other house jobs, driving places etc and is feeling like he's not doing the tidying up as well.

OR it could be you doing most house jobs, him just doing the school run and him enjoying ordering you around.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/01/2020 09:30

He sounds like a joy.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 14/01/2020 09:33

Christ. I would have said a flat “no” and not hung around for any response from him.

If he is doing the school run and doesn’t work then he has loads of time to tidy up while you’re being out at lunch.

MollyButton · 14/01/2020 09:36

I think you could do with having someone to really support you - surely as your "carer" he should be tidying up or at least supporting you in getting things tidier?
It seems there may be deeper issues here.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 09:37

No. No carers allowance. I get ESA for a couple. I don't have the energy to.

He's not done loads recently. This has been our situation for a long time.

Squares. He didn't go to school and come back and I hadn't moved. He went to the gate and came back to say that. If he had just gone to school he would have returned to a clean house

OP posts:
canijustaskonemorething · 14/01/2020 09:39

Is he taking the kids to school and going to work?

Also, why can you not tidy the living room?

pinkyredrose · 14/01/2020 09:39

So he's not really your carer he just doesn't work. What does he do for you that can be classed as caring for you? I'd leave the tidying, he can do it if it bothers him.

canijustaskonemorething · 14/01/2020 09:40

Sorry I’ve just see he’s your Carer.

Also, if you’re too tired to sort your living room then how can you manage out for lunch?

SquareAsABlock · 14/01/2020 09:41

Apologies, thought he'd walked to the school gate. In which case, I'd be cross as well that he'd turned around just to ask when I was planning to tidy up. I'd have said 'I'm not on a specific schedule, but by all means you start and I'll get on it with you in a minute'.

Morgan12 · 14/01/2020 09:41

Need a bigger picture here.

Who dealt with the kids this morning? Got them up, fed them, pack lunches etc?

If he did all that and then the school run then you should tidy up.

bobstersmum · 14/01/2020 09:41

Is his name Geoff and he lives on coronation St?

FourDecades · 14/01/2020 09:42

What care do you actually need?

WindFlower92 · 14/01/2020 09:43

Is it that bad to expect you to do a little tidy up while he takes the kids to school? Both of you are contributing in this situation.. Confused

bobstersmum · 14/01/2020 09:44

@canijustaskonemorething you sound very compassionate, lovely. You don't get esa for nothing you know, op must be unwell.

recycledbottle · 14/01/2020 09:44

Is this the same DH that was coked up on a night out and couldn't then look after one child when you were bringing the other for a birthday treat? Sounds similar to me. You could be sensitive or he could be constantly telling you what to do which is why it is bothering you. As you say, you were going to do it anyway. If you are sick though and your DH is supposed to be your carer, then i can't see any reason why you both couldn't do it together. What is he planning to do from now until he collects the kids?