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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:
GrolliffetheDragon · 14/01/2020 11:42

You basically made him give up his job by making it impossible for him to work and constantly phoning him while he was there. I'm not surprised the 'dynamic' between you is so bad.

^So you couldn’t cope with your DH being at work so what he just gives up the rest of his life to what be your 24/7 care person?

Ok so you've got some issues But so do lots of people and they don’t have someone looking after them full time.^

Comments like this are really not needed. gain, I'm pretty sure OP would get more sympathy if she had physical illnesses rather than mental illnesses.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 11:43

He didn't tell her though did he, he asked when she was going out and asked a question (OP did put a question mark) about if she would have time to tidy up. Maybe you didn't read it Willow?
Asking is "Will you?" He said "So you will have time to tidy up " huge difference in tone.

Still she doesn't need reminding/telling to do something she does every other day.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:44

ThumbWitches if that was to me why is it bashing the mentally unwell to point out she might have taken it in a way it wasn't meant. Is it better to come on and tell her that her husband is rubbish?

GrolliffetheDragon · 14/01/2020 11:46

How can you be borderline bi polar? You either are or you aren’t.

OP could be awaiting diagnosis, it could be it's not been dcided if she is bipolar or cyclothymic

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:46

Willow amazing that you can hear the tone on here. He asked a question, OP has recorded it as a question.

Winding the OP when this might be a storm in a teacup isn't helpful.

DesLynamsMoustache · 14/01/2020 11:46

Honestly, if he does a lot otherwise I'd just cut him some slack for a slightly iffy comment. Mental health problems aren't just difficult for the person suffering. It's incredibly hard to live with and it's changed his life too, so I think you both just need to give each other the benefit of the doubt about stuff like this. I'd like to say I would be nice and polite all the time if my DH had the range of MH issues you do, but the reality is that I would find it very difficult and probably would say some stuff I'd later regret from time to time. It's a hard life for you both.

saraclara · 14/01/2020 11:46

Yep. People are answering entirely different questions from the one the OP asked. Just so they can stick the boot in.

Anyway, I remember making comments like the one in the OP to my late husband. At the time I meant them as reminders for things I knew he was unlikely to remember needed to be done. But I'm not proud of it, because, yes, it is a bit passive aggressive.

I hope you got out for lunch, OP. I imagine that life isn't a bunch of roses for either you or your husband, to be honest. I'm glad your mum is watchful and supporting you to get out of the house.

Queenofheartsnomore · 14/01/2020 11:50

@ThumbWitchesAbroad it really is isn't it! I hope the op is taking on board our comments and not just the negative. It's blatantly obvious she's freaking out about going out to lunch and the bashing she's getting is disgusting.

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 11:51

@DesLynamsMoustache I'd like to say I would be nice and polite all the time if my DH had the range of MH issues you do, but the reality is that I would find it very difficult and probably would say some stuff I'd later regret from time to time. It's a hard life for you both.

I have experience of living long term with a partner with MH issues. MH issues are not an excuse for treating your partner terribly, or preventing them from living their own life in order to be your carer. It's not fair and it ends up destroying the relationship completely.

Fedupofdoingit · 14/01/2020 11:53

@1forsorrow. Other people use the toilet in our bathroom and see the dirty bath. I don’t want anyone thinking that I am a “manky cow!” It is the fact that he expects me to clean it that annoys me and by leaving it dirty he knows that I will, even if I am in agony!

Please don’t say that it is my fault that this matters to me and I should leave it if it doesn’t matter to him. I have always been house proud and it matters to me (and my mental health) that I have a clean and reasonably tidy house. It now takes me more than a day to do cleaning that I could previously power through in an hour!

Gemm83 · 14/01/2020 11:54

My DH constantly says things like that, but in all fairness to him and to be perfectly honest, I am a bit of a lazy cow when it comes to stuff like that so appreciate a "Gee up" every now and then!! 😂

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:59

ScarlettBlaize it is a hard balance with physical or mental health issues. A few months ago I was talking to a mum when waiting for GC to come out of school. Her husband had been seriously ill, he'd had surgery and was on the mend and I asked how she was. She said no one asks that and she opened up and said how hard it was and how sometimes she felt like screaming, "what about me." when people were telling her how amazing he was.

I told her she was amazing and she should think about it like this, he had been through something truly awful, pain, horrible treatment and facing the very real possibility he wouldn't see his children grow up but he had no choice. She had faced the possibility of losing the man she loved, she'd watched helpless as he suffered, she'd worked so they could live, she had comforted her children and protected them as much as she could and she had a choice, she had chosen to stay and face all that and I definitely felt she was a hero.

She stopped me a few days later and said how much it had helped her to just know that someone recognised what she had been through.

Carers are human too and we get it wrong, we have off days, sometimes horror of horrors we feel just a bit sorry for ourselves. We aren't bad because of that and like they say walk a mile in my shoes/the OPs husbands shoes before you judge.

Queenofheartsnomore · 14/01/2020 12:00

Op, I think your mum should be at yours now and I hope you managed to go to lunch. I would hide the thread tbh.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 12:06

Fedupofdoing it I'm sure it is horrible if he has different standards to you but the reality is he has as much right to live his life as he wants as you do. When living with someone there has to be give and take and sometimes we have to compromise.

If you are both disabled and friends judge you on the state of your bath they aren't very good friends.

Penelopeschat · 14/01/2020 12:18

@Pigmageddon I hope you made it to lunch and had a lovely time!

I think situations like yours can become quite unhealthy and being on much resentment. I would gently suggest looking at alternatives like your husband working and your accessing other types of supports through day programs and peer mentors. It helps the person needing the caring have more normality around expectations, stops power imbalances and gives people independence. This idea of a spouse as full time carer should only be short time, and is not associated with great outcomes.

Twiggy71 · 14/01/2020 12:23

God what a depressing read this has been, it's no wonder people feel they need to hide their mental health problems. Op so sorry certain people felt the need to bash you when your feeling so down.
Hope you've went to lunch with your mum Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2020 12:25

@1forsorrow - timecheck - I don't type that fast, I xposted with you.

adaline · 14/01/2020 12:25

fs can nobody read these days? Ok was going to tidy up once he had left but he came straight back in to tell her to tidy up hich was unnecessarily. He isn't her boss

I'm pretty sure every single poster on here has, at one point, asked their partner to do something around the house!

That doesn't make him remotely bossy or controlling Hmm

Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 12:26

It would take a whole novel to explain the dynamic of a relationship and what it entails, how we work together and what my DH feels.

This has the whiff of co-dependency, OP.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 12:30

She didn't need asking nor telling she was going to do it same as she does every other day!

He made a point of coming back in to speak to her about something she already does every day!

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 14/01/2020 12:32

Did you manage to get dressed and go out with your mum?

I hardly ever get dressed (live in my pyjamas) so if someone is coming to pick me up, I might need them to come in and help me a bit.

It’s hard. I don’t have the complication of partner or kids though.

Hugs.

PepePig · 14/01/2020 12:33

I personally don't see much 'bashing' going on. The thread was a huge drip feed which is infurating as it essentially means the first few pages of advice, that other people have taken time out of their day to write, is usually irrelevant.

I also think because it was a man who asked a woman to tidy, people like to get on the 'how dare he' bandwagon simply because he's a man. A lot of Mumsnet users absolutely love to hate men for every little thing they say or do. We need to find out more about what he does day-to-day before we immediately call him an arsehole.

Additionally, if you're posting a thread online, you shouldn't assume it'll be an echo chamber of how you feel about a scenario. We all have different experiences, struggles and issues in our own lives. That means our interpretation of events will all be different. If you don't want to be told that you're in the wrong, simply don't start a thread.

It's also highly unhealthy when you have MH issues for every single person around you to essentially say 'poor you :(' 24/7. Carers always get pushed to the side because the person with X is seen as more important. Their needs simply don't matter as much because the other person gets all the attention, all the help and all the sympathy. So, in a typical relationship where everything is fairly close to 50:50, you can end up in a situation where it's 80:20. And that is unfair on the carer because not only do they have to give up their own hobbies, careers and interests, they're also forgotten about by friends and family around them. Suddenly, your world goes from quite large, to tiny, through absolutely no fault of your own.

So, no. I don't think it's bad that a few posters have said that the OP needs to help herself more. Sometimes you need to be told to work on things. And, as I said previously- if you're posting online for opinions, then expect opinions.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/01/2020 12:37

Actually, as your carer he absolutely should be encouraging and reminding you to take on small tasks. It's what you need.

Look at it from his point of view, he's had to give up his job to take care of the dcs, is probably doing the grunt work at home because we all know how depression can cause things to mount up.

Maybe he's looking for light at the end of the tunnel and you doing small bits can be the start of that.

Carer does not equal slave........ And I think te responses on here would be very different if a man had posted. Sometimes we have to pull ourselves upright a little and break the jobs into small tasks. He doesn't sound like a selfish twat at all. He sounds like someone who knows all too well he could walk in at 3pm and you'd still be sat there in a mess. 💁‍♀️

MurrayTheMonk · 14/01/2020 12:44

Tbh I think you might be a bit oversensitive....
It's fairly common for one person to ask the other to do some thing in our house...

For example my dp recently had three days off, whilst I had to go into work to provide emergency cover (unplanned). I therefore couldn't do the stuff I normally do at home. He wouldn't necessarily realise it needed doing as he doesn't normally do those jobs (and I'm not a mind reader so wouldn't know if he had planned to do the jobs) but they needed doing still.
So I asked him to do them over the weekend (just hoovering, making a meal, washing school uniform ready for Monday).

Nothing sinister in me asking him/reminding him that stuff needs to be done.
He might have found it a bit annoying if he was planning to do it anyway (though in our case I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have even realised without a nudge but that's a different story). We both live in the house, so we both pick up the slack when the other can't do the stuff they normally do.

Inherdefence · 14/01/2020 12:46

I think perhaps he touched a nerve there OP and that’s why he upset you so much.

That being said, I am a full time housewife and enjoy excellent physical and mental health and if my (working ft DH) said anything so passive aggressive to me it would be a surefire way to ensure I spent the morning in bed reading with perhaps a trip to the nail bar to be followed by a long boozy lunch and an early night.