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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:05

Fedupofdoingit, if you don't use the bath and he does why not let him decide when he wants to clean it?

PepePig · 14/01/2020 11:06

OP, your update still doesn't make much sense. You've rhymed off a list of reasons why your partner can't work and needs to be by your side 24/7. This is incredibly suffocating and cruel on him, to be honest. He deserves a life outside of the house. Not having to not work so you arent scared of noises? Surely the first priority would have been looking at ways for you to feel more secure at home, rather than him quitting work?

This is why the housework thing makes even less sense. If you're genuinely terrified every time he leaves the house then you were never going to tidy? Surely the fear would be paralyzing?

Honestly, it sounds like a dreadful way for him to live. It's no wonder he asked you to tidy (again, not understanding why the house is so messy when you are both at home all day...). It sounds like he's your live in slave. You can't rely on one person this much long term. It's a horrible amount of pressure and expectation to place on someone. I'd be gobsmacked if he wasn't depressed himself in 5 years time. What life is this for your kids?

Queenofheartsnomore · 14/01/2020 11:09

Sorry you're getting some shitty responses here op. If you've not been out since Christmas I think you're really brave to go for lunch today. I hope you have a lovely time with your mum.

And no YANBU

Furiosa · 14/01/2020 11:09

OP it sounds like you're just in a bit of a mood this morning. It happens to me all the time!

Just take your time, tidy up, cup of tea then off out. This will all be old news by this evening. Flowers

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 11:12

Sorry but you are just reading word on a page. It would take a whole novel to explain the dynamic of a relationship and what it entails, how we work together and what my DH feels.

This is a conclusion we have come to together and I can assure you he doenst feel that way

Also its impossible to explain the ups and downs and roundabouts of what your brain does during these episodes, especially with the bipolar cycling so what may be the case one month is not the next. It's a constant battle of new foes and old ones, all within my own head so I'm not even going to try to start explaining the thing about the noises and fear.

OP posts:
ReorderProduct · 14/01/2020 11:13

It sounds like you're (understandably) anxious about going out for lunch and that has coloured your reaction to a fairly normal comment between partners.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 11:13

She's coming in 30 mins and I'm not even dressed.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2020 11:17

I think you need to get off MN, Pigmageddon - do one thing towards getting ready for your mum. Just one. And then another. If you can.
I'm sure your mum will understand if you're not ready, but at least you can start.

Just step away from the negative comments on here. Thanks

GrolliffetheDragon · 14/01/2020 11:17

You've rhymed off a list of reasons why your partner can't work and needs to be by your side 24/7. This is incredibly suffocating and cruel on him, to be honest.

If OP had physical health problems, she might need a carer around 24/7 and I bet there would be less judgemental comments about that.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 11:20

Is it that bad to expect you to do a little tidy up while he takes the kids to school? Both of you are contributing in this situation.

Ffs can nobody read these days?
Ok was going to tidy up once he had left but he came straight back in to tell her to tidy up hich was unnecessarily. He isn't her boss!

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 11:25

How the hell does a thread asking about a husband telling his wife what to do turn into "it's your fault op for having severe MH problems. Get yourself sorted out." ?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/01/2020 11:26

TBH it sounds like you didn't want to go out with your mum, so have picked up on something that was nothing to wind yourself up with as an excuse not to go.

Princessfaffalot · 14/01/2020 11:27

Step away from mumsnet OP, it really won’t help you.

Hope you manage to make it to your lunch Flowers

AxeOfKindness · 14/01/2020 11:27

Going only by what you've said it sounds like he knows you usually tidy up but was aware that your routine was going to be different today so was checking that you would still be able to do it in spite of your unusual engagement.

He may well have meant that he'd like you to still do it if possible but I'm not sure that would elicit more than a teeny tiny bit of indignation, if any.

Could I suggest that your anxiety about going out today might have made you a bit more sensitive to perceived criticism than usual? Your suggestion that you might just be ready today suggests you might think so!

AxeOfKindness · 14/01/2020 11:27

*ratty today

Queenofheartsnomore · 14/01/2020 11:28

People need to read fgs.

Go and get yourself dressed, brush your hair and teeth, then if you still don't want to go I'm sure your mum will understand. Even if you go out for an hour that's a great achievement! Baby steps, you can do this!

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 11:28

You basically made him give up his job by making it impossible for him to work and constantly phoning him while he was there. I'm not surprised the 'dynamic' between you is so bad.

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 11:29

@Willow2017 Ffs can nobody read these days? Ok was going to tidy up once he had left but he came straight back in to tell her to tidy up hich was unnecessarily. He isn't her boss!

Nah. No one would say it in that situation unless they'd had multiple experiences of it not being done.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 14/01/2020 11:31

big hugs to OP. you sound really low. try and have a nice time with your mum.

I'm surprised so many people don't get that when you have MH problems, everything overwhelms at times, and tidying up is a low priority, especially if you are feeling fatigued due to meds as well. I'm at home all day at the moment, and my house is not particularly clean, or tidy either.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:34

He didn't tell her though did he, he asked when she was going out and asked a question (OP did put a question mark) about if she would have time to tidy up. Maybe you didn't read it Willow?

Queenofheartsnomore · 14/01/2020 11:35

Understandably the op is abit more sensitive today. She hasn't left the house since Christmas eve and is anxious about going out for lunch. She doesn't deserve to be told she's a bad partner and all the other negative comments.

Op is your partner back?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/01/2020 11:35

So you couldn’t cope with your DH being at work so what he just gives up the rest of his life to what be your 24/7 care person?

Ok so you've got some issues But so do lots of people and they don’t have someone looking after them full time. Are you doing anything to sort yourself out or is he expected to put his life on hold forever? Also can’t be great for the dc seeing mum this way.

So he doesn’t work because you couldn’t cope with it, yet of he dares to remind you to have a quick sweep round your annoyed..... Well yes YABU we’ve all reminded Partners to do stuff lucky in most adult relationships this isn’t an issue and we don’t get annoyed

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:36

I'm surprised so many people don't get that when you have MH problems, everything overwhelms at times, and tidying up is a low priority, especially if you are feeling fatigued due to meds as well. I'm at home all day at the moment, and my house is not particularly clean, or tidy either. Very true but would you agree that with MH problems and being overwhelmed you could sometimes read more into a comment than was meant?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2020 11:37

Wow, this is really turning into a "bash the mentally unwell poster" thread, isn't it!

Bloody horrible to witness.

MonstranceClock · 14/01/2020 11:38

How can you be borderline bi polar? You either are or you aren’t.

Sounds like you don’t really do a lot to help yourself tbh OP.