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AIBU?

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:
Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 12:52

Look at it from his point of view, he's had to give up his job to take care of the dcs, is probably doing the grunt work at home because we all know how depression can cause things to mount up.

Except that OP says he thinks “that everything IN the house is mainly down to me to sort”

Or do you prefer not to believe OP?

Fedupofdoingit · 14/01/2020 12:58

@1forsorrow I honestly do get that, but it’s just the fact he deliberately doesn’t do it, because he knows I will, that upsets me. He used to do it when I worked 40 hours a week to keep us both, but now I can’t work he has stopped doing this type of thing! (He isn’t physically disabled, just lazy)! Maybe I should LTB!

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:01

Actually, as your carer he absolutely should be encouraging and reminding you to take on small tasks. It's what you need
Because doing the tidying up.every other day by herself without needing to be "reminded" isn't enough?

Feelslikecrystal · 14/01/2020 13:02

Oh come on, two of you at home, kids at school you can manage to square the house up between you.

Fedupofdoingit · 14/01/2020 13:03

@1forsorrow also meant to say your reply to ScarlettBlaize also struck a chord with me as I have been in that place too. Wish more people had your insight.

PumpkinP · 14/01/2020 13:03

I don’t think he did anything wrong sorry! I’m a carer for my dd with asd, does that mean I should never ask her to clean up? I didn’t realise being a carer meant you have to do everything if the place is a tip then I’m not surprised he has asked if you could clean it before going. Especially since he is not working because you don’t want him to, so all the posters that were calling him lazy Hmm

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 13:04

Op I have similar and also on ESA / PIP...I get it, Dh said to me one day 'keep busy' in a similar vein I felt got at...

thing is think they are trying to help in a way but it can some across as a criticism and feeling told what to do. It's not easy. and not an easy situation.

As an aside it can help so do something 'for you' like going out for lunch and hope that went OK. But it can get overawe;ming doing lots of stuff and maybe that is also coming in to it also. It can feel like someone is taking over and telling you what to do.

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 13:05

This thread is shocking. People making up their own versions of the OP just so they can put the boot in.

Women aren’t allowed sympathy or compassion for MH problems it seems, if you were a man OP, abusing his wife, women would be flocking to the thread to say how you might be depressed or autistic and that you need help (which is a woman’s job to sort out of course). No one suggests your partner needs to get you help, because the poor lamb has to take his own kids to school and do the food shop so he can’t possibly deal with any more on his plate....

I hope lunch went well and that you feel a bit of a high for going once you get back. Have you looked into help with your anxiety etc? I went, through a stage in the past where I was frequently having panic attacks when out and even started hallucinating, it was awful. I found some therapy helped, tried medication but it only made things worse.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/01/2020 13:06

willow there are usually 3 sides to every story, yours, theirs and somewhere in the middle will be the truth.

I'm fully aware of how all consuming mental health problems and depression can be. It can make people extremely, self absorbed. And I'm pretty sceptical that someone selfless enough to give up work to care for their mentally ill partner is a lazy asshat barking orders over the front door.

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 13:07

I don’t think he did anything wrong sorry! I’m a carer for my dd with asd, does that mean I should never ask her to clean up? I didn’t realise being a carer meant you have to do everything if the place is a tip then I’m not surprised he has asked if you could clean it before going

Oh look another one who can’t comprehend basic English. OP has already said he does next to nothing IN the house, she does it all.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:08

Damm phone posted by accident.

Look at it from his point of view, he's had to give up his job to take care of the dcs, is probably doing the grunt work at home because we all know how depression can cause things to mount up.

Read the op her dh.thomks am inside the house jobs are "hers" he isn't doing any of it.

Maybe he's looking for light at the end of the tunnel and you doing small bits can be the start of that.

Ok is doing the majority of it already she can't start "doing snall bits".
Why isn't he doing anything inside the house?

He sounds like someone who knows all too well he could walk in at 3pm and you'd still be sat there in a mess
See above!

PumpkinP · 14/01/2020 13:13

Well he must do something if op considers him her “carer” he does everything involved with taking the children out school run, activities, clubs, if op never leaves the house.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:14

I don’t think he did anything wrong sorry! I’m a carer for my dd with asd, does that mean I should never ask her to clean up? I didn’t realise being a carer meant you have to do everything if the place is a tip then I’m not surprised he has asked if you could clean it before going

Christ can nobody rtft these days?
Op does everything in the house not him. He thinks inside jobs are all down her.

Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 13:17

@PumpkinP

I didn’t realise being a carer meant you have to do everything if the place is a tip then I’m not surprised he has asked if you could clean it before going

OP didn’t say she expects him to do everything. OP says he thinks “that everything IN the house is mainly down to me to sort”.

Well he must do something

You have very low standards. He takes the kids to school and does a top up shop. Hardly husband or dad of the year is he.

PumpkinP · 14/01/2020 13:19

Actually if I was doing all the school runs and taking the kids out on weekends then yes I would expect op to do the majority at home.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 14/01/2020 13:22

I see a lot of people trying to say the DH is not pulling his weight because he leaves "home" stuff to OP, but if OP hasn't left the house since December and they have DC I can't see how he's slacking.

OP, you say that when you are alone you start to worry about break ins etc, maybe your DH is trying to get you to focus on tidying so that when he is out of the house you are less focused on your fears?

Butterymuffin · 14/01/2020 13:22

Hope you enjoyed lunch OP. What treatment are you receiving for your conditions?

PepePig · 14/01/2020 13:25

Plus, you know, giving up your career to stay at home with your partner. Minimising his contribution as nothing is insulting, to be honest.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:25

Well he must do something if op considers him her “carer” he does everything involved with taking the children out school run, activities, clubs, if op never leaves the house.

Well that's still not "doing everythjng".

And they are his kids too, millions of parents do this daily why is it so amazing that he does it?

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 13:27

PP asking what treatment are they having- why? Some MH problems are long term and can't be 'cured' it isn't that simple.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/01/2020 13:28

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Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 13:30

OP does he not do stuff like cooking / washing up etc? We kind of share that stuff. I get quite overwhelmed with it all so know what you mean.

Alliefoxworld · 14/01/2020 13:32

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Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 13:33

@PumpkinP

Actually if I was doing all the school runs and taking the kids out on weekends then yes I would expect op to do the majority at home.

OP doesn’t say he takes the kids out on the weekends.

And do you really think taking the kids out and to school equals all housework (cleaning, washing, cooking, online shops, putting kids to sleep, bathing them, homework)?

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 13:34

Well that's still not "doing everythjng".
And they are his kids too, millions of parents do this daily why is it so amazing that he does it?

Ahh because he has a penis. It’s a massive advantage when it comes to running the world, earning a higher salary, exploiting others etc, but when it comes to dealing with kids or doing some cleaning, it’s a huge disability. It’s incredible that he manages to take the kids to school, I mean sure women do that as well as running the house, but this is a poor, domestically helpless man we’re talking about....what a hero.