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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:
LittlePigLetMeIn · 14/01/2020 10:19

No it's not 'just' social anxiety.

I have chronic depression, anxiety, ptsd, EUPD and am borderline bipolar.

I take a lot of different meds that make me nauseated and exhausted.

It's a joint claim yes, because I couldn't deal with him being at work, it sounds stupid but I thought people were going to try and break in because they knew he wasn't home in the day. I would call him constantly when I heard noises etc.

Plus I was failing at taking the kids to school without having panic attacks at the school gate which was mortifying and compounded my anxiety.

We try and split things evenly but because he does all the outside of the house stuff the tidying falls to me.

The issue isn't that I had to tidy up. Like I said I was going to do it.

The issue was that he felt he had to come back specifically to tell me to. I just felt like a child or employee.

It just made me feel shitty. Especially when I always tidy up whilst he's at school so I don't know why he felt the need.

LittlePigLetMeIn · 14/01/2020 10:21

Sorry name change fail there. Ffs. Can't even do this right :(

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 10:22

No it's not 'just' social anxiety.

I have chronic depression, anxiety, ptsd, EUPD and am borderline bipolar.

I take a lot of different meds that make me nauseated and exhausted.

It's a joint claim yes, because I couldn't deal with him being at work, it sounds stupid but I thought people were going to try and break in because they knew he wasn't home in the day. I would call him constantly when I heard noises etc.

Plus I was failing at taking the kids to school without having panic attacks at the school gate which was mortifying and compounded my anxiety.

We try and split things evenly but because he does all the outside of the house stuff the tidying falls to me.

The issue isn't that I had to tidy up. Like I said I was going to do it.

The issue was that he felt he had to come back specifically to tell me to. I just felt like a child or employee.

It just made me feel shitty. Especially when I always tidy up whilst he's at school so I don't know why he felt the need.

OP posts:
olivertwistwantsmore · 14/01/2020 10:23

Do you get ESA for having sopcial anxisety>? What help do you need, op>?

Hard to tell who's wrong or right here. I had assumed your p worked and was doing the school run too but if he doesn't work then asking you to tidy up seems less reasonable.

But then perhaps you've been unable to do much for 6 months and have left most things to him so perhaps he feels hard done by.

I can't see how social anxiety means you can 't tidy up, or why it means you need a carer, so perhaps there's more to all this. Hard to know without more info.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 10:23

Also the lunch thing. My mum is picking me up. She's been trying to get me to go for months.

I'm sat here in my PJs still. I don't even want to go.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 10:23

Why does social anxiety mean that you're too tired to tidy up?

Why do people start just making shit up? OP said she was planning to do it anyway, she did NOT say she was too tired to do it so planned on leaving it.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 10:24

The trouble with having your partner as your 'carer' is that it creates an imbalance in the relationship. He has too much power.

olivertwistwantsmore · 14/01/2020 10:24

Bit of a dripfeed there, op...

What actions are you taking to deal with your anxiety so that you can be by yourself in the house during the day and allow your p to work? Are you having CBT? On meds? Is this situation sustainable in the long term?

Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 10:25

OP, are you all doing housework while all he does is the school runs and top up shops?

What care is he providing to you?

Your anxiety may get a whole lot better without him around.

Stefoscope · 14/01/2020 10:26

That would annoy me too, especially when you normally tidy whilst the kids are at school anyway. I hope you have a good time with your friend

thaegumathteth · 14/01/2020 10:26

OP - so can he only leave the house to take the kids to school or you can't cope? That's a lot for him to deal with. Is he able to go out as he pleases?

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 10:27

There has to be more to this. It makes 0 sense to why youd need a carer for social anxiety. And why social anxiety would stop you doing anything around the house

FFS, can people not read? Nowhere has she said it stops her doing things around the house, in fact she says it’s her partner who does nothing in the house, so it would seem OP does it all, wouldn’t it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2020 10:32

Next time maybe you could say "yeah sure, you can help me when you get back".

I don't see that he exactly does enough that all the "inside house" stuff should be left to you - sounds like he does very little, actually!

TheMustressMhor · 14/01/2020 10:36

Are you in receipt of PIP?

If you were, your partner might be able to claim Carer's Allowance.

But to call him your "carer" simply because he doesn't have paid employment is disingenuous, to say the least.

sillysmiles · 14/01/2020 10:37

We all say things to our partners that aren't intended as instructions.
Really OP - you can chose to see this as him nagging you or you can throw your eyes skywards and get on with it and go enjoy your lunch.
My OH frequently "reminds" me to do the blindingly obvious. It's not controlling, yes it can be annoying but it usually just needs to be met with a sarky response to point out that what he said is painfully obvious.

NorfolkRattle · 14/01/2020 10:38

Pigmageddon, Pick your battles. Your mental health issues clearly make every day living and functioning very difficult; coming onto Mumsnet to get support because your partner said something annoying just wastes your emotional energy.

He almost certainly finds various things YOU do/say annoying as well.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 10:40

Maybe he was just thinking of organising the day, if you were going out and not tidying up he had to rethink his day. Is he doing anything after school drop off? I'm a carer for my husband, I'm sitting here wasting time but also thinking I've got to get to the library before it closes at lunch time, drop a parcel off for Hermes, post a birthday card and pick up some fresh bread, nothing too demanding but DH not up yet so I will give him time for his painkillers to kick in (he gets tea and toast in bed as he can't take painkillers on an empty stomach and can't move around without them.) When I go up and ask if he's getting up he might think I'm being horrible as he gets up when he feels able but for me I need to know can I nip out for an hour to get jobs done before he needs my help or if he's getting up soon I will have time to help him and then do my jobs

It can be bloody hard supporting someone with physical or mental health problems (DH goes through periods of depression) and sometimes it would be really nice if people thought about that.

I don't want to have a go at you OP, I don't know how he said it or if he's often nasty just wanted to explain there can be another side to it.

ReorderProduct · 14/01/2020 10:45

TBH it sounds like a miserable way for both of you to live. Yes, I'm sure what he said was annoying but equally how hard must it be to have to manage your life around a partner who doesn't leave the house?.

There's no need to attribute blame (unless his actions have caused your issues) but some kindness and acknowledgement that his situation must be hard too will make your life better as well as his.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 10:47

Thankyou for the replies.

I think I'm just feeling shit this morning and it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Appreciate the input.

OP posts:
Fedupofdoingit · 14/01/2020 10:50

I feel for you op, I am in a similarish situation, except I have a severe physical disability. My dh also doesn’t work, he has had cancer. We have both been medically retired, though mine is much more mobility orientated and more recently than his.

I recently said to my dh that the bath was filthy (he is the only one who uses it, as I cannot physically get in it) and I really struggle (and am in agony doing so) to bend over anything! The following week it hadn’t been cleaned and was even worse, so I said to him again, with still no sign of him cleaning it. When I asked him why he never cleans it, as it is his skin cells causing it to be mucky, he said “I used to wipe it before you stopped working!”

Apparently, now I can no longer work 🤬, I should revert to being the good little housewife and do all the cleaning etc!

YappityYapYap · 14/01/2020 10:54

Social anxiety... can go for lunch in a 'social' situation but can't tidy the living room? Sorry but I don't get it. Surely social anxiety would mean you can do anything in the house but struggle outside of the house? He took the kids to school and I assume will pick them up. I'm sure you can tidy the living room. Neither of you are at work, what reason is there honestly for your house to be a tip? Some of us have both parents working, juggling childcare and still have to tidy the living room at midnight after all the other duties are done. I just don't buy this rubbish. I also see someone pointed out that your husband was coked out his face while you were meant to take the kids to a birthday party... if this is true, what a great way our tax money is being spent! On coke and for someone with social anxiety to socialise and not clean their house 😂

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 10:58

Yappity my husband has never taken drugs Confused

That was not me.

Also read the thread. I tidy up everyday and was planning on doing so. That's the point!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2020 10:59

OMG, can't you read? The OP was going to tidy up - she just didn't appreciate being reminded to!

FFS.

Original poster
Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 10:59

I haven't left the house since Christmas eve.

That's why my mum is coming to take me out. Because she fears I'm becoming agoraphobic

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/01/2020 11:00

You put a question mark on the end, so it sounds as though he was asking, so perhaps he was mentally planning out his day?

Were you looking for an excuse not to go out, so seized upon this?