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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passively being 'told' to tidy up?

197 replies

Pigmageddon · 14/01/2020 08:55

Going out today for lunch. First time in a long time. I have MH issues for full disclosure.

Kitchen and living room are messy. Fully geared up for doing both before I leave.

DH taking the kids to school. Leaves, gets to gate, comes back into living room to ask me what time I'm leaving. 11ish.
"oh. So you'll have time to tidy up then before you go?"

AIBU to find this annoying. Like I can't be trusted to do so without a reminder or his instruction!?

I don't know if I'm just feeling ratty this morning or not. I feel like leaving early and telling him to do it himself.

OP posts:

Rosebel · 14/01/2020 13:35

So you do the tidying every day and today when your partner knows you'll be feeling anxious about leaving the house he decides to make you more anxious?
You should have told him to do it while you were out. I'm really sorry some have been so nasty. They obviously have zero understanding of MH problems. It doesn't sound like your partner does much . Surely housework should be split 50/50.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:37

He's probably had to leave work to keep social services off their back ffs
What a nasty thing to say. When did you become psychic? Must be nice to know everything about random strangers.

Are you getting a thrill out of being vile to someone with MH problems?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/01/2020 13:37

Well this thread makes it painfully clear why the conservatives are in power still..

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 13:40

He's probably had to leave work to keep social services off their back ffs

Oh yes because how dare a mum think she has the “luxury” of having mental health problems.

Fucking spiteful thing to say, shame on you.

spongejack · 14/01/2020 13:40

TBH I think that both of you being at home is too much, you're analysing and knowing what each day holds for each of you and you both can't fill your time looking after one house,

You need to restructure your lives somehow.

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 13:44

@1forsorrow

ScarlettBlaize it is a hard balance with physical or mental health issues., we have off days, sometimes horror of horrors we feel just a bit sorry for ourselves. We aren't bad because of that and like they say walk a mile in my shoes/the OPs husbands shoes before you judge.

Did you miss the point of my post, which was that I spent ten years as a carer or a partner with significant mh issues?

I've walked several miles in those shoes and I know exactly what it's like to have that sort of partner to contend with.

That's the perspective from which I was posting

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 13:45

A carer for a partner with mh issues,that should say

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 13:48

AngelsSins

Exactly!😂

Alliefoxworld
Just when you think the replies can't get any worse on this thread...then you come along and prove me wrong.
Vile post you should be ashamed. Maybe read ops posts and find out what she actually does. She doesn't need criticised for doing all the work in the damm house by herself.

The one day in ages she was going to pluck up the courage to go out and her partner decides to make sure she remembers to do her 'woman's work' before she goes just wind her up.

Nice What a peach.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/01/2020 13:50

It wasn't spiteful at all, I was trying to point out that there will be a lot more to it than just him doing the school run. The op has major mental health problems, providing an echo chamber and patting her on the head saying there there, nasty man. Isn't helping her. Or her situation.

Ive actually had a lot of support through ss, both to help with my dcs disabilities (( which were a major Contribution to my own declining mental health)) and supporting my own mental health which at times I've struggled with...... .although not to the extent where my partner had to give up work.

I don't see any shame in it, the op shouldn't either. But at the same time complete strangers shouldn't be belittling the support the ops partner will be providing.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 13:51

ScarletBlazie maybe read what I said, I was agreeing with you that it isn't easy to be a carer and it isn't an excuse for the cared for or anyone else to take advantage of that.

If you want to play "my dad's bigger than yours" I've been my husband's carer for over 30 years, physical and mental health, so I've walked a fair few miles.

Junie70 · 14/01/2020 13:55

He could be pissed off because he's not allowed a life outside the house.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/01/2020 13:55

OP it’s pretty likely that the prospect of going out for lunch has put you on edge. You say things normally work well between you and your partner so maybe try and accept it’s probably your anxiety that’s stirring you up and focus on going out with your mum.

It can be really easy to self sabotage.

MNHQ

GloriaMumsnet · 14/01/2020 14:00

Hi @Pigmageddon drop us an email if you want help with the namechange

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 14:05

Wonder if the comments would be the same if OP had physical condition e.g. MS probably not. See attitudes to MH still awful in general

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 14:19

I don't see any shame in it, the op shouldn't either. But at the same time complete strangers shouldn't be belittling the support the ops partner will be providing

Ahh so you wanted to make sure the poor man was being defended whilst completely ignoring the belittling the OP is getting for what she does around the house etc? Yeah that sounds reasonable...

ScarlettBlaize · 14/01/2020 14:22

@1forsorrow
if you want to play "my dad's bigger than yours" I've been my husband's carer for over 30 years, physical and mental health, so I've walked a fair few miles.

I never doubted that?? I was questioning why you said I should walk a mile in your shoes when I have done.

I'm sorry you have had to spend 30 years as a carer. I had enough after ten. But then he was often abusive towards me and treated me terribly because of his mh issues so hopefully your husband is not like that.

I get a strong impression that the op doesnt really appreciate the immense sacrifice that her husband has made. For all of those sneering at how amazing it is for a dad to do the school run, no one has said that.

But to cope with a partner who doesnt leave the house and effectively doesn't let you leave it either and for whom you have to give up your job, and where all of the child care falls on them..
That's really tough

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 14:31

She isn't saying she doesn't let him leave the house though

Areyoufree · 14/01/2020 14:37

This thread's hilarious. All the detail that people are picking over so obsessively is completely irrelevant. If my husband asked me if I had time to tidy up before I went out, I would cheerfully reply "Nope", then pick up the remote control and lie down on the sofa. Like the OP said, she had been going to tidy up anyway, it was the way he pretty much told her to do it that got under her skin. Understandably.

DesLynamsMoustache · 14/01/2020 14:48

Can we at least agree that it seems a shitty situation for them both? Having MH issues is hard. Being a carer/partner to someone with MH issues is hard. It's not the misery Olympics. And it's impossible for any of us to judge if anyone is BU when we have only the tiniest insight into their lives and one comment taken entirely out of context of their day to day lives.

Perhaps he is BU. Perhaps he's exhausted by having to deal with some quite serious MH problems that manifest in curtailing his own wellbeing. Perhaps he doesn't do anything round the house and left his job so he could sit in his pants all day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only thing we really know is that OP has a very complex mix of MH problems that must make life very hard for her, as well as her family. I don't feel comfortable judging someone because of one line about tidying.

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 15:15

But to cope with a partner who doesnt leave the house and effectively doesn't let you leave it either and for whom you have to give up your job, and where all of the child care falls on them.

Where does op say she doesn't let her oh ever leave the house?
How does taking kids to and from school equate to doing all the child care?
Op also said
He's not done loads recently

Maybe he isn't happy 100% of the time who is but making p.a.digs at op to spoil her day isn't clever nor necessary. If all he is doing is the school run and top up shopping when necessary why on earth isn't he doing things inside the house too?

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 15:31

I never doubted that?? I was questioning why you said I should walk a mile in your shoes when I have done. I thought other people might be reading it as well so was including that in my comments about being a carer, it wasn't directed at you, as I said I was agreeing with you, it is bloody hard being a carer and we are very undervalued and overlooked.

adaline · 14/01/2020 15:45

Where does op say she doesn't let her oh ever leave the house?

It doesn't, but he has been forced to leave his job because she couldn't cope with the idea of him not being in the house with her.

That's not an easy burden to live with and places quite a lot of restrictions on his life. Carers are massively undervalued because the sympathy always lies with the person who's ill. Nobody seems bothered by the other person whose life and freedom is seriously curtailed to look after someone else - often at the cost of their own health and mental well-being.

Being fully responsible for two children as well as another adult on a full-time basis without the "escape" of a job can't be easy.

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2020 16:43

I don't understand why people are saying he's not the OPs carer just because he doesn't get carer's allowance. The OP has serious mental illness and may need a lot of care. Unfortunately it is usually the partner that is expected to provide that. My ex has schizophrenia and at one time when he was very unwell I had to care for him. He got DLA care element at the lower rate so he had care needs but I couldn't get carer's allowance. He couldn't leave the house so I had to do a lot for him and at home I had to keep an eye on him as he would do dangerous things - often in the middle of the night. I had to encourage him to shower, change clorhes and eat. I had to spend hours talking to him or trying to reassure him - again often in the night. Just because you don't get carer's allowance doesn't mean you are not a carer.

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2020 16:52

@adaline - my experienve has been the sympathy always goes to the man. When my ex was seriously unwell the support went to him and I was expected to get on with it. Since I've been unwell the support has also gone to him for having to look after the children! But I agree there is little support for carers.

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 16:52

I think carer's allowance is to do with PIP not ESA but not sure.

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