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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to meet the head after DS's privacy was violated by another child?

229 replies

Chocstar · 08/01/2020 22:14

When my DS (Y5) was getting changed for PE in the changing rooms, another boy pulled my son's pants down at the front such that his privates could be seen. This happened twice. I consider the nature to which my DS's privacy to have been violated very serious indeed. The middle management at my DS's school spoke to the boy and phoned his mum and consider the incident resolved. I am not happy with the way it's been dealt with and would like to speak to the head. I have requested a meeting but I have been told that I can meet with the middle management and that the head will be kept informed. AIBU to want to see the head regarding such a serious incident?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 09/01/2020 10:05

edit
The reason is that if, as some have on this thread, you've decided that although the situation is resolved, the child is a sexual predator, the incident should go straight to the head, the police should have been called, the child in question should be excluded and that hasn't happened then anything less than your chosen outcome isnt good enough, then it would be very different to a situation where you acknowledge school have acted but following that the original actions haven't worked and so you need to escalate further

frumpety · 09/01/2020 10:05

Don't really know what you expect the school to do about it

A quick talk to the class about boundaries wouldn't do any harm, I imagine there were other children present, laughing along and goading etc . A reminder to them all about what is and isn't appropriate behaviour at this age wouldn't be a bad thing.

aroundtheworldyet · 09/01/2020 10:07

All these people banging on about police and private prosecutions are mad!!

I mean what’s worse for a boy. The horrid ness of having his pants pulled down twice, it being dealt with, not happening again and getting on with life. As does the other kid whose learnt a lesson about boundaries

Or

Putting your kid through a trial. With media and standing up and giving evidence and being interviewed by police and giving a statement which you know is being written down by police!
I mean come on. This thread is so ridiculous

notmoresheep · 09/01/2020 10:08

This is definitely unacceptable for children that age, my DC would really kick off if he saw this happening to anyone.

I’d insist on a meeting with the HT, this is their job even if they’re trying to swerve you. Keep the focus on welfare of your own DC, safeguarding and failure of duty of care. The HT will want to know what you expect them to do so have a firm plan of action you would like to see implemented to prevent future incidents, aim high so there’s wiggle room. If you go in just to complain you’re wasting your time. And if you go in spouting an opinion on what may or may not be going on with the other boy or even a negative attitude toward him they’ll wipe the floor with you and can’t talk to you about that anyway.

Governors don’t get involved unless you follow school’s procedures through stages of teacher, HOY, HT or whatever first which have set timescales for action to be taken, they can only affect policy not get involved with the behaviour of one particular child. But if the HT refuses to deal a letter to the chair wouldn’t hurt.

Tunnocks34 · 09/01/2020 10:10

No it isn’t bullying. Nor is it sexual assault.

It is however extremely inappropriate and should be dealt with more seriously by the school.

As a teacher, from a parents point of view, I would have expected to meet with the head in the first instance to discuss your concerns. I would have then wanted to know how they would be dealing with it. They are correct to contact the boys parents, I would personally have bought them in for a meeting regarding it rather than discussing it over the phone however. I also would encourage the school to do an assembly or PSHE lesson on body respect to clarify it for the school.

Kids do stupid things, that they think it funny, when they don’t understand the seriousness of their actions. I hope your son is ok.

LolaSmiles · 09/01/2020 10:10

Re what I'd like the school to do about - I'm not 100% happy with how it has been dealt with and consider it a serious enough issue to be 'allowed' to talk to the head about it and I'm becoming increasingly pissed off that the head still will not meet with me.
Is it two occasions with a meeting with school leadership in the middle or is it two incidents and after two incidents it has gone to another member of school leadership?

It's easy to say you're not happy with how it's been dealt with, but it seems from your posts that you're more bothered you've not been in with the head.
The reason schools have leadership teams is precisely because not all serious issues have to be dealt with by the head.

I think you need to clarify what you are wanting or expecting here before we can give useful advice.

Pembsgirl · 09/01/2020 10:13

I'm afraid when I originally responded to this post OP, I was under the impression that the incident happened twice on the same occasion rather than two separate occasions, in which case I would definitely demand to see the Head now, as presumably you complained after the first incident, and it's happened again? Is this correct?

MamaKarmaLlama · 09/01/2020 10:14

I would meet with middle management, as they suggested. Express concerns, see if been addressed properly and to your satisfaction. If not, demand to see HT.
simple.

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2020 10:14

I'd expect to meet or talk to the Head in this instance.

Since you're not convinced I'd follow up with a letter to your main contact, copied to the Head, clearly outlining the incidents, including dates and names, acknowledging what's been done/conversations/meetings you've had, confirming your request for a meeting with the Head has been refused.

I'd ask for a written response confirming how the school will be ensuring this can't happen again. I'd also ask about escalation processes should there be further instances (be they similar, or other types of bullying), and asking at what point the head would agree to a meeting?.

A clear paper trail is your friend here.

JacquesHammer · 09/01/2020 10:14

boys will be boys

That's utter nonsense any why some boys turn into revolting adult males with no knowledge of decent boundaries.

OP - YANBU, I absolutely would be requesting a meeting with the head.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/01/2020 10:15

Just to clarify, this happened on two separate occasions

Was the first occasion reported? Are you saying that whatever was put in place to stop it happening after that didn’t work?

I can’t understand why the Head won’t meet you. I’d consider this a situation in which ‘normal protocol’ was abandoned. Is this because the person you’re being told to speak to is the safeguarding lead rather than the Head?

I would be extremely upset if this happened to a child of mine, and the fact it happened twice just makes it worse.

Karenisbaren · 09/01/2020 10:16

Tunnocks34 I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. (Kids do stupid things, that they think it funny, when they don’t understand the seriousness of their actions. I hope your son is ok.)

BreatheAndFocus · 09/01/2020 10:17

Oops, posted too soon.

I’d insist on a meeting with the Head. It sounds like they’re trying to downplay it. If that’s the case, I’d be kicking up a right stink.

frumpety · 09/01/2020 10:18

Has your son mentioned if the behaviour has continued or has it stopped following the schools intervention ? How does your son feel about how this has been handled by the school ? Is he happy with the outcome or does he feel the other child should have been punished more ?

BiBiBirdie · 09/01/2020 10:20

I would be contacting governors and finding out who the school's safeguarding lead is.
Police? Possibly not but I would be asking if he child involved has been flagged to Social Services
When DD was in Year 3 some boy asked her to suck his thumb "like a willy" and she told me about it as she had no idea what he meant. School acted immediately and the boy was dealt with swiftly. DD has had no after effects luckily but at times like this, you what to feel secure that the school are doing what they should do.

Plumbus · 09/01/2020 10:20

Re what I'd like the school to do about - I'm not 100% happy with how it has been dealt with and consider it a serious enough issue to be 'allowed' to talk to the head about it and I'm becoming increasingly pissed off that the head still will not meet with me.

Which I think is totally reasonable.

What will your demands be of the head? Punishment for the offender? Change of process? Reassurance?

I suppose imo you're more likely to get 'closure' when you have clear objectives in mind.

BoxedWine · 09/01/2020 10:27

Calling a 10 year old a snowflake for being upset about having his pants pulled down more than once is pretty fucking gross drabarni.

frumpety · 09/01/2020 10:27

Personally I would go to meeting with the middle management person, that way you have followed the correct protocol should you wish to take it any further.

museumum · 09/01/2020 10:31

I do understand and consider this a serious incident but i'm afaraid i do not understand the need to have a meeting with the head. I would be speaking to the member of management who dealt with it. It's not clear if they spoke to the child's parents after the second incident or the first. If the first then it's not 'resolved' so i would want to meet with the person who decided it was and challenge that. If it was after the second incident then maybe it is resolved. I think speaking to the child's parents indicates they have taken it seriously.
i don't think 'a meeting with the head' should be the ultimate aim, surely it's the resolution and guarantee it won't happen again?

notmoresheep · 09/01/2020 10:42

“boys will be boys” and “snowflake”, this attitude is why some boys grow up to be the men who do so much damage to other people’s lives, especially to women. Parent your boys FFS, stop making lame excuses for them and raising them to be dickheads.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 09/01/2020 10:46

Karenisbaren please read my post properly I said sexual harassment, not sexual assault.

a 10 year old is old enough to know this is not appropriate, and did it twice, on two separate occassions, not just once which you could say was a childish prank, twice is designed to humiliate and that can be defined as Hostile environment sexual harassment.

We teach our children that their body belongs to them that they have autonomy and a right to privacy, from a young age and that anything that makes them uncomfortable, upsets them or concerns them should be reported to an adult.

For those saying they are only 10 and its lads play, how does that make it acceptable? it should not be ignored, treated as a prank. Unfortunately there are kids who are sexually motivated at 10.

I am aware that it is different from an adult doing the same thing to another adult, but the humiliation and distress for the victim will be the same so why are people minimising this?

Original poster
Chocstar · 09/01/2020 10:46

My DS only told me after the second time it'd happened. He told me the day before the end of last term, so there hasn't been much time to see if how the school has dealt with it so far has been effective.

OP posts:
Allington · 09/01/2020 10:46

I get the impression that you think/feel that unless the Head meets with you, the school is not taking it seriously?

From what I understand (would be interested to hear from teachers), that is not necessarily the case, and the person with the authority to deal with the issue may be another member of staff.

What action do you want to see? If the Head had been present at the meeting you had, would that have satisfied you, or is there something else you think the school should be doing?

In a previous job of mine I was in charge of the organisation's finances, the Director had a medical background and finance was not his strength. We had one person who insisted on addressing finance queries to him, because that was the only way they felt the queries were being taken seriously. So he then had to pass them on to me, and I would answer. Such a waste of his time. The most senior person in the organisation is not necessarily the one to provide you with the answers you need.

Karenisbaren · 09/01/2020 10:48

Chocstar they have already phoned the parent and spoken to the boy what else would you like them to do?

Whatsitthingy · 09/01/2020 11:03

Insist in speaking to the head if you must, but I would consider the incident dealt with. This isn't sexual assault and I'm sure the police have got better things to be doing than to get involved with a kid pulling down the pants of another kids.