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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to meet the head after DS's privacy was violated by another child?

229 replies

Chocstar · 08/01/2020 22:14

When my DS (Y5) was getting changed for PE in the changing rooms, another boy pulled my son's pants down at the front such that his privates could be seen. This happened twice. I consider the nature to which my DS's privacy to have been violated very serious indeed. The middle management at my DS's school spoke to the boy and phoned his mum and consider the incident resolved. I am not happy with the way it's been dealt with and would like to speak to the head. I have requested a meeting but I have been told that I can meet with the middle management and that the head will be kept informed. AIBU to want to see the head regarding such a serious incident?

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 08/01/2020 22:15

I’d be insisting on meeting the head. And also reporting to the police as sexual assault

Retroflex · 08/01/2020 22:17

Insist on a meeting with the Head, and don't forget to mention that you will also be contacting the police and the education board...

CoatTails · 08/01/2020 22:21

I am a primary head. I would expect to meet with you. I would be telling you that we take this incident very seriously; that I completely understand your strong feelings; that the other child has been dealt with (I would ask you to trust me on this as I wouldn’t be going into detail); that certain things have been put into place to avoid it happening again (I would tell you what they were); and your child would have support from a member of staff they felt comfortable with.
I would also apologise that this had happened while your son was in my care.

Pembsgirl · 08/01/2020 22:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think that the majority of schools would treat it as a case of 'boys will be boys', they've spoken to the other child, and that's as much as they can do at that age, although obviously if it happens on another occasion, then I'd be tempted to go in all guns blazing.

cabbageking · 08/01/2020 22:21

I would speak the person suggested and see if they can resolve your issues.

You still have the option to speak to the Head if you don't resolve the issue.

You may find the Head is not available for a time and seeing person may speed things up?

If the child is under 10 the Police can not act.

manicinsomniac · 08/01/2020 22:21

YANBU

That's a safeguarding issue under peer on peer abuse. One of the new categories is upskirting. This is similar. The school should be taking it very, very seriously. Gone are the days when this would have been a 'typical prank among boys'. The school need to protect your son and get some education/help for the other child before he gets to an age where doing that will land him a criminal record.

Mammylamb · 08/01/2020 22:21

I’d also be telling the teacher that he will not be participating in PE until this boy has been expelled. Otherwise I’d maybe move your son to a different school.

The child that did this may have issues of his own. As a 6 year old a classmate touched me inappropriately. I told my parents. They told the school. It turns out that the child was being sexually abused at home and he was soon removed

Halo1234 · 08/01/2020 22:22

Yeah they arent taking it seriously enough if they are refusing to let u meet with the head. As the head teacher he should be dealing with the more serious matters (like this) not delegating them. Yanbu.

Mammylamb · 08/01/2020 22:22

@Pembsgirl. This is not “boys will be boys” it’s sexual assault

Pembsgirl · 08/01/2020 22:28

I wasn't saying it was a case of 'boys will be boys', more a case of a lot of schools still treat things this way, even though they shouldn't.

SpruceTree · 08/01/2020 22:31

I would want to see the head. Definitely would not go to the police though.

ChloeDecker · 08/01/2020 22:31

They told the school. It turns out that the child was being sexually abused at home and he was soon removed

This makes me so sad. Poor poor child Sad

Original poster
Chocstar · 08/01/2020 22:34

@CoatTails
Thank you for your response. In your opinion, is this a safeguarding and bullying issue?

OP posts:
MrsRagnarLothbrok · 08/01/2020 22:35

I’d be insisting on meeting the head. And also reporting to the police as sexual assault

I would be doing this!! it not a game, its a really serious issue. DD was quite developed for her age, and was getting a lot of remarks during PE, it wasn't take seriously until I said that it was actually sexual harassment. Things like this should not be minimised which the school sound like they are trying to do

I would go for the meeting, with middle management mention safeguarding and sexual assault, probably people will say its an over reaction but I would also call 101 for advice on this as well

OwlinaTree · 08/01/2020 22:37

I would meet with the offered person and see how the meeting goes. If you are not happy with the outcome then request a meeting with the head.

I would not be expecting the other boy to be expelled, that seems rather over the top. I would want him to be changing away from my child.

Karenisbaren · 08/01/2020 22:39

MrsRagnarLothbrok, Sexual assualt? really?

katy1213 · 08/01/2020 22:40

Some massive over-reactions here. Five-year-old pulls a kid's pants down and you call the police!

Luckypoppy · 08/01/2020 22:42

katy123 a year 5 not age 5. That's age 10! Old enough to know better!

JessicaJoans · 08/01/2020 22:43

OP said Y5. Y5 children are 9/10 yrs old. Quite different to 5 years old.

CoatTails’ reply is exactly what you should have received.

Dutchesss · 08/01/2020 22:45

They're Y5 so 9/10 years old.
I wouldn't be happy with the outcome you've received, it's happened twice. There is a high chance that the child doing it is being abused but measures also need to be put in place to stop the child abusing others.

Junie70 · 08/01/2020 22:47

That's a disgrace that the Head is refusing to see you.

Go over their Head and straight to your local Education Department, saying the Head is refusing to meet you and let them deal with it.

And I'd be withdrawing your DC from PE until the matter has been dealt with in the way you are happy with.

Smilebehappy123 · 08/01/2020 22:47

The reactions on here
The police?? Really

movinggoalposts · 08/01/2020 22:47

Stick to your guns. There have been serious long term effects from one of the dc having similar happen aged 8.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 08/01/2020 22:49

katy1213 I think it's a year-5 kid, so 10 years old (or coming up for that), rather than 5 years old. A big difference. And 10 is the age of criminal responsibility.

Gammeldragz · 08/01/2020 22:49

We had a similar incident with DS also year 5, though it happened more than once and to other children as well. Along with other incidents that were worse. When I found out I went directly to the head, they tried to fob me off that the head was busy, but I said it was a safeguarding issue and I had to see the head immediately. I wasn't particularly happy with the head's attitude though she felt I was over reacting when I said that a 10nyear old has sexuality assaulted my so and I felt a lot more should have been done about it. I was also concerned for the welfare of the child who was doing it, because some the language used and things he did screamed red flags to me. Which I stressed repeatedly to the head. They did involve Children's Services but as the child was from a respected family, is very polite and socially adept with adults (I suspect will grow up to be a sociopath) mum is a teacher, I don't think it was taken very seriously.

These things should always be reported, it's sexual assault and not to be tolerated.

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