AIBU to want to meet the head after DS's privacy was violated by another child?

[Chocstar]

When my DS (Y5) was getting changed for PE in the changing rooms, another boy pulled my son's pants down at the front such that his privates could be seen. This happened twice. I consider the nature to which my DS's privacy to have been violated very serious indeed. The middle management at my DS's school spoke to the boy and phoned his mum and consider the incident resolved. I am not happy with the way it's been dealt with and would like to speak to the head. I have requested a meeting but I have been told that I can meet with the middle management and that the head will be kept informed. AIBU to want to see the head regarding such a serious incident?

Just for reference - OP I'd be very careful what you publicly or privately go saying to the staff or police as I'm fairly sure given these definitions you'd be liable to slander by the other child's parents.

What the child has done has crossed a very serious boundary that he may or may not have understood but unless you can prove in any way that his motive was sexual or he gained any sexual gratification in the humiliation of your child, or that his motive was to sexually harass your child.. you would be on very thin ice.

If the schools reconciliation of this event doesn't suit you by all means bring it to the governor's by way of complaint - the procedure will be on the schools website. And if that doesn't satisfy you they are required to provide you with the means for furthering your complaint.

However branding someone else's 10 year old child a sexual predator will do you nor your son any favours

@Chocstar tbh I wouldn’t necessarily consider it either and trying to label it isn’t always useful.

Bullying, by definition, is repetitive over time, targeted and hard to defend against.
Safeguarding is really broad.

This could ‘just’ be a boy being silly and easily dealt with by the school with some stern words and boundaries. It could be more. The issue isn’t really in how to categorise it; it’s how to make your child feel listened to, heard and safe. THAT’S the issue.

I agree this needs dealing with but painting this 10 year old as some sort of sexual deviant is crazy , was in the same child that did it both times??

As an adult woman i've been deliberately sexually assaulted by a kid this age, i feel so much for your son.

I'm confused with this. Should you talk to the principle or should they be speaking with you? So they inform you of what they have done with the child?

I'm asking because there is a girl in my sons class who has put her hand up another child's skirt (my son seen this an it really effected him) then not 3 weeks later she was smacking my sons bum. She tends to cling to my son and has asked him to school discos to which he has replied "no".

I have spoke to his teacher because I can't get a hold of the principal.

@Mammylamb there is no way a child would, or should, be expelled for this. If you came into my school demanding this, I would be suggesting that you remove YOUR child if you do not trust me to manage this situation with sensitivity and without sensationalism.

Jesus Christ the over reactions on here 🙄

What do you want the head to do, that hasn't already been done, OP?

Whilst not at all acceptable I really don’t think it is sexual assault nor a police matter!!!! I cannot believe the over reactions here.

Absolutely meet with the head but I would leave it at that point.

@CoatTails
It is interesting to hear your views. I know that bullying is normally defined as something that happens repeatedly, however some incidents, such as this one, are surely serious enough to see it as such. I mean, if an adult pulled my son's pants down, he wouldn't have to do it more than once before the police were involved.

This happened to by son in year 7 in the PE block. The school spoke to the other boy who admitted it and he was put in isolation for a day as punishment. Apparently it was a 'thing' him a group of them did to other boys. I don't think it was ever escalated any further. I moved my son shortly after (lots of issues) and I mentioned it in the in year transfer form, only at this point did it reach the head and was seen as a safeguarding issue. My son was so embarrassed and felt violated. Horrible thing for a child to have done to then. Hopefully the school will have measures to stop this happening again to your son or anyone else

I agree with those who say report to the police.

Those of you who think this is overreacting - would any of you be happy to be exposed in a changing room to a group of people? Would you not consider this assault? A child of this (or any) age deserves the privacy that adults do. A year 5 child is old enough to know better.

@ahenderson270:

I'm fairly sure your post is nonsense. Since when did the perpetrator's account take precedence over the victim's in determining whether or not an act is sexual assault? The "I didn't derive any sexual pleasure from it, your honour" defence has never been used in English law - for good reasons. And I would love the mother of the victim to come to me and tell me she was being sued for slander, because I would wipe the flaming floor with the plaintiff and whatever hapless fuck she had managed to persuade to represent her. Slander, my arse.

They absolutely should be expelled. Not the first time. But to have done this twice, then yes, the little shit should be expelled.

Humiliating this poor child is not acceptable at all.

CoatTails: if you really are a Head, you snd I know you cannot legally say that to a parent. The Head has to follow the safeguarding policy and make a judgement about whether it’s a safeguarding issue or not.

A parent can report the incident to the LADO direct or the Head might contact them. Read the safeguarding policy at the school before you do anything and do not make wild allegations. These are children. Not adults. Why is it in this country we treat children at age 9/10 the same way we would if they were 19/20. Baying for blood isn’t what’s needed. A rational approach and s resolution for all concerned is the desired outcome and all children to feel safe and valued.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantsing

It was a humiliating prank, very common when my children were in school.
I certainly wouldn’t view this as assault. I wouldn’t expect it to happen again, a firm punch on the nose should sort it.

Smile123, would you brush it aside if it happened to you at work or in the supermarket, twice on different occasions, same perpetrator?

How would you feel going into a workplace where someone was grabbing your clothing and deliberately exposing your genitalia to all around, and probably laughing at you and encouraging everyone else to mock you?

Why should a 10yo child feel any happier about that than you would?

@BubblesBuddy I really AM a head (with over 13 years of headship) and I would, and have, said these words to parents many times.

A parent can report the incident to the LADO direct or the Head might contact them.

Why would the LADO be involved?

You seem to doubt that coat tails is a Head and question what she says as if you have expertise but suggest referring to the LADO?

Why not see the person they are suggesting you meet with and if you don't feel the conversation was adequate, put pressure on to meet with the headteacher.

In what context was it done? Ie was the other boy doing it in an aggressive, bullying way and your ds really upset about it? Or were they all doing it in a silly way, trying to pull each other’s pants down thinking it was fun? If the former I would definitely want to see the head, if the latter I would just keep an eye on things and flag if it was done again.

@justcly as with all crime the intent has to be proven and a child of 10 would have to be a rather special case to have to have had the sexual intent required for the elements of sexual assault or harassment every one is banging on about.

And any adult that compares a 10 year old boy acting on what is more than likely (statistically) given that at this age sexual proclivities are no where near formed, especially in boys - to an adult male performing a sexual assault or sexual harassment - needs their lumps feeling!!

You can't on one hand say a child of ten understands sexual drive enough to commit a sexual assault or sexual harassment and then on the other say a child of 10 isn't old enough to make fully informed decisions around consent to sexual activity.. at 10 they either understand sex enough or they don't .. it doesn't matter what side of this situation your sat on!

The derogatory terminology used towards this child is so much more likely To crest a situation around sex for him as an adult than a few mistaken attempts at a prank that it would seem has been dealt with.

At the end of the day the OP herself doesn't even know the details of how the child was dealt with, and rightly so - that's between him, his carers and school .. so a group of adult strangers speculating like this is some juicy game of cluedo is quite frank distasteful and a bit weird ..

OP if I posted this after one of my kids had be 'pantsed' at school I can say without a doubt all three of my boys would far angrier with me for sharing it with utter strangers than the classmate who acted stupidly .. it's one thing to air your own dirty mess in public forums but our
Kids deserve a level of privacy just completely negated here

Purely just on it happening twice I would be demanding to see the head as clearly what they are doing isnt working.

Overreacting? Would you like someone to expose you, twice? I feel for the kid I really do I would be fuming.

I wouldn’t expect to hear the outcome of the other student, for all you know it could have come out that the child’s being abused and that’s how they’ve learnt this behaviour (hopefully not). That wouldn’t be for you to be told about. This could be why they are fobbing you off. I’m sure they aren’t allowed to discuss other students with you because of GDPR but I could be wrong about that. I would expect to be told how they are going to safeguard against this behaviour happening again.
Schools normally have a procedure they follow for issues, so middle management should be capable of dealing with it if it has been given to them. I am middle management in a school and would report this to our safeguarding lead to deal with the other boy, but would personally be responsible for ensuring the issue wouldn’t happen again.

Just ridiculous calling the police.

Many of you must live in a bubble or a cave or a middle to higher class other planet .

The police would do nothing with this . And quite rightly.

Both children need support & boundaries ( and the child having his pants touched needs assertiveness training) .