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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:43

Gosh that's long. TLDR. DH lied about traffic to avoid going to one of DDs activities and ate fast food in his car to get some peace because he had a migraine and needed some sugar. IABU to be angry?

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 07/01/2020 23:53

Sounds like the two of you need a good nights sleep and to calmly talk it through again later. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill here though.

He shouldn’t have lied, but it’s not unreasonable for him to want some space and time to himself. Do you really have to always both go to swimming? Seems like extra hard work to me. I let my DH take kids swimming and thoroughly enjoy a bit of time to potter, clean, and cook.

jeremypaxo · 07/01/2020 23:53

I'd be pissed off too. He's in the wrong and he knows it. I can see why he didn't want to tell the truth on the call though if you had him on speakerphone.

He should take your DD out for a Maccers to make it up to her (without telling her, obviously!)

BeanTownNancy · 07/01/2020 23:59

SAHP's don't get to just avoid their kids if they have a "migraine"* - he could have sucked it up for an hour before she went to bed.

Obviously just an excuse though as he seems to have 3 of them all lined up in case one didn't land. He knew he was being selfish.

(*also you shouldn't drive with a migraine, it's an impairment and it's dangerous)

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 23:59

Don't blow it out of proportion. He was probably just tired and saying there was traffic was an easy excuse.

There's no need for his nonsense about telling your mum you still smoke the odd cigarette. He just sounds stupid saying that.

Tbh that would annoy me more than the initial incident.

SanAntonio · 08/01/2020 00:02

Why do 2 people need to take a child swimming?

poor DD was at her lesson.

A bit drama queen?

Retroflex · 08/01/2020 00:05

I don't believe for a second that your husband had a migraine! Hmm His behaviour was unacceptable, if he didn't want to go, then he should have been honest with your child, not letting you lie to cover for him.

84claire84 · 08/01/2020 00:06

It's a bit shitty that he lied but on the grand scale of things isn't the end of the world.

From now on suggest you take it in turns to take her. No excuse then and you both get a break.

Pick your battles I say

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 08/01/2020 00:12

Pick your battles

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 08/01/2020 00:12

Yeh, I know in the grand scheme of things it's petty. He does work long hours so sometimes doesn't make it. When she moves up a level the time probably will change to earlier and he won't be around. It's only been at 6pm for about 6 weeks or so n all. DD worships him, hence the "poor DD". He doesn't have to change her or anything, literally sit and watch.

It's also laughable because he managed to drop the receipt when he thought he'd cleverly got away with it by managing to eat the meal waiting for him!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 08/01/2020 00:14

Not that he is right for lying to you, but why do you both need to be at the swimming lesson? When our DDs were young and went to swimming lessons l took them on my own. It would never have even occurred to me to want DH to join us.

I'd have been pissed off at him for lying though, as I said. And if he ate the meal you had provided on top of his McDonalds then that seems like gluttony.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 00:14

Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home

But if he was tired, why would he want to come to the swimming lesson?

I'm sure she was perfectly fine with you alone there.

PawPawNoodle · 08/01/2020 00:16

How was he meant to tell you privately if he himself was on a hands-free and you had called him on loudspeaker with your daughter right there? If he asked you to turn it off I imagine you'd have just tried to persuade him to come regardless.

He shouldn't have lied but you shouldn't be sitting there telling him to go to bed like he's a child, acting as though he has missed a very important event or that he has to eat every meal you make just because you made it.

Lockheart · 08/01/2020 00:23

I imagine most of us have snuck off for a break from life when we shouldn't have; calling in sick when we could really go into work, claiming the bus was late when in reality we just fancied a coffee by ourselves before going home etc.

His behaviour is not good. However, it's not the end of the world either. I'd make your point about letting DD down once and then leave it.

DrKnickerbocker · 08/01/2020 00:30

Couldn't you have taken DD for a few 'cheeky chips'?

I really do think you're making a mountain out of a molehill and you've exploded over something so minor.

Maybe tomorrow chat with him about why he felt the need to lie, instead of just telling you he wanted 10 minutes to himself.

Him missing a swimming lesson isn't going to cause irreparable damage to DD.

Sarcelle · 08/01/2020 00:37

He just wanted some space (and some chips).

Sickandscared · 08/01/2020 00:44

I would be a bit miffed but not furious. He just needed a break. I'd drop it now but tell him you have a credit for some me time when needed.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 08/01/2020 00:45

Watching children's swimming lessons is mind numbingly boring. If he's had a busy day at work I don't imagine sitting in a chlorinated hot environment is going to be too appealing. I'd have a proper conversation with him about whether it's something he really wants to attend. If you find it boring too then maybe you need to alternate

heymammi · 08/01/2020 00:50

Definitely choose your battles... I have myself made up excuses to have a moments peace when I have had a long hard day. It happens! I remember last year my DP was meant to meet us at a bonfire event after a long day at work then texted to say he's staying at work until late, hour later I recieve a notification from 'just eat' letting me know my pizza was on the way to his work place! I screened shot it and showed it to him when he got home and had a laugh about him not being able to even have a secret pizza in peace! He admitted to me that he just had a really bad day that day.
Don't worry about it OP there are far worse things he could be doing out there

heymammi · 08/01/2020 00:54

Didn't add about the whole telling your mother about you having the occasional cig, not cool! Definitely address that.

madcatladyforever · 08/01/2020 00:55

I dislike lying but I don't think this is a massive big deal.

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 08/01/2020 01:04

I don't mind watching swimming tbh, I find the 30 minutes of not having to do anything but sit there quite peaceful.

It was DD who wanted him there so I will try to arrange in advance to manage expectations.

I didn't take DD for chips because I didn't know at the time that anyone was having chips.

I am also wondering whether he does this regularly.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 08/01/2020 01:16

Christ give him a break! Its hardly a big deal is it? Sometimes sneaking off for a bit for an hour is great for mental health. A peaceful half hour in Maccas car park sounds way more appealing than watching bloody swimming lessons!

busybarbara · 08/01/2020 01:34

In all seriousness, could you say you couldn’t envision a situation where you would be “caught” doing something relatively innocuous as this? I’d be surprised if you couldn’t. It doesn’t make it right but sometimes you can express disappointment while at the same time realising it could be you one day!

JollyJlly · 08/01/2020 01:49

I’d be cross he’d lied to me. Not that he’d gone to mcdonalds. How can you trust him on big things if he lies about small things?