Lying DH

[McdonaldsOrSwimming]

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

@Tellingitlikeitisnt I’m with you 100% on this. In one breath she’s saying ‘I’m a 40 year old woman!’ Meaning obviously she should be treated like an adult, yet treats her Husband like a child.

I think it’s bad he lied but given the ‘poor DD’ type comments and your ‘fury’ I think it’s a fair bet that had he said he was wiped out, wanted an hour or so alone and to grab some junk food you’d have given him hell for ‘letting DD down’ anyway.

He works long hours - when does he get regular alone time? You presumably get several hours per week while your DD is at school if you’re not working. Does he get anywhere near that amount of time?

I think you’re being a bit of a drama queen
Why does you both have to go to every swim sessions can’t you take turns?
Parents aren’t perfect I think you need to be a bit more realistic with with your daughter

I think it’s a good idea for you to go back to work, might give you more perspective and knacker you out a bit so you’re not in his face sweating the small stuff to someone who’s tired after work.

I imagine his retort about the smoking came out of frustration and irritation. Does he matter in your family? Or is he just there to graft and earn the money, while being there for you both at all other times. Sounds like he’s bottom of the pile tbh.

What stands out to me is that you picked up the receipt and looked at the time and date? Do you normally check up on him? I'm trying to imagine if I saw a McDonalds receipt laying on the floor, I'd have a quick glance see what it was and chuck it. Not look at the time/date and work all of this out.

I think you sound like really hard work and need to give your husband a break.

I agree with a PP about missing the implications of the childish retort about your smoking. He was pointing out that you lie when it suits you...and you do.

It does sound like you are his parent rather than his partner. That needs to change if you want your relationship to survive.

I get that you're miffed. But in the cold light of day have a look at it from his POV.
Whose idea was it that he attend the swimming lesson? Be brutally honest with yourself. Was it DD or was it that you suggested it and she ran with it and your DH didn't have the heart to say "no"?

Why do you think he felt he had to lie to you? Partly, I'm guessing, the speakerphone. Don't call anyone on speakerphone. Call them, then say something like "X is here is speakerphone ok?" give them the chance to say "actually, no". Speakerphones put people under pressure. (I absolutely loathe it being sprung on me)

Most people need some transition time between work and home (yes, i know, so many people don't get it - but wouldn't it be nice to be able to build it into your day?). Driving home isn't usually a good time to decompress.

How seriously are you looking for work? For your DH it probably looks as though you have a lovely easy life, especially with your DD at school, and it can be overwhelming to be the main earner and feel all that pressure (maybe he secretly loathes his job and wants to do something else but can't until you're earning)

Basically you need to learn to communicate better and try to understand where each of you is coming from. Good luck.

I had migraine yesterday. No way I could have eaten (or driven) with it. Tell him to make up a better excuse next time.

I think your 5 year old doesn't need to be the centre of your world - she 'adores him' and you need to 'manage her expectation' I think it will be healthier for you all if she learns to expect that sometimes adults are tired and therefore her swimming lessons are not as exciting for them as her. A 5 year old expects what you let them expect- calm it all down a bit.

He didnt really lie though

He hadnt had mcdonalds when you rang him? And was 25 mins away from having it..? Did you want him to call you back and let you know "sorry love, now in drive thru "

The implication of the smoking thing is “yeah well YOU lie to YOUR bossy mummy too!” It does not say great things about his capacity to handle disagreement with you like an equal in an adult relationship.

I’m sure there will be a whole horde of posters falling over each other to tell you off for ‘making’ him lie to you, there always are, but he is an adult man holding down a full-time job. He should be able to say “hard day and I’m knackered, really need some time off so I’ll see you both at home later.” And both of you should be able to tell your DD “Daddy can’t make it every week” without lying to her about traffic.

(that’s assuming she’s the only/eldest child - if you are SAHM to younger children all day too, then he needs to get his arse to swimming lessons and give you a break as well.)

He didn't have a migraine. He wouldn't have been on the he computer at that time. He was hungry, fancied a McDonald's and wanted some peace and quiet by getting home before you. We all want that. But as a sahm, you don't get it. Tbh, he should try to leave work early and then take her sometimes on his own so that you can have a break.

Two adults taking one child swimming to watch her? You’re being dramatic. And it sounds like he had to lie because you would have told him off, because you know, your dd would have been upset. At 5. Wonder where she gets it from?! He called you out on your smoking because your being hypocritical by calling him out on his lie - and your lie is an ongoing lie, his is not. And - you need to think about explaining to your child that only one parent needs to be there - she’s old enough to understand.

How old are your DC ? Or DD?

He shouldn't have lied but I get the whole can't be arsed after a shit work day and being hungry, at best I'd say minor irritant and to text in future and you'll cover for him. But I do think manage your child's expectations, it doesn't need two of you there.

I really don't think this is a huge deal. The lying I would not like at all however.

Maybe sleep on it and have a nice calm conversation the following day, explaining to him that it's okay to want a bit of alone time (because it is) and say next time just tell me, it''s okay! Make your point about not being lied to but also support him and make him feel like he CAN tell you when he just wants a time out.

You're being over dramatic. I took DD to her swimming lesson yesterday after work. Frankly it's a bit tedious and tiring. Sitting around in the slightly grimy sports centre and then dealing with the faff of showers, hair washing etc. If my partner was a SAHP I'd expect him to deal with this.

The McDonalds in a car isn't great but I often feel like I need time to myself after work to decompress before dealing with the DC in the evening. I don't blame your DH. Maybe he didn't fancy what you'd cooked? No need for histrionics, just freeze or throw away the uneaten food and tell him he can cook his own meals if he prefers.

And as already mentioned, no need for two of you to watch your 5 year old unless she's taking part in a competition or similar.

You sound exhausting and controlling. All this interrogation over this....really? It's no wonder how husband lied to you over this. You're a huge drama queen. Big deal that dad can't make it to watch your swimming lessons. He had a bad day at work. Did you even bother asking him about that? You're going to drive him away.

Interesting that the OP’s behaviour gets described as ‘histrionics’ and ‘drama’, but the DH who invented a migraine, was snappy all evening and then threatened to tell on his wife to her mum about smoking gets ‘oh the POOR MAN!’

He had a bad day at work. Did you even bother asking him about that?

well she couldn’t have done, could she, as he didn’t say “I had a bad day at work I’m going to give swimming a miss”, he said “the traffic is bad”.

This is just one of the many, many reasons it is best to tell the truth to the person you’re married to.

I think it’s a shame he feels he needs to lie, if he’d said he wasn’t gonna come as he fancied a McDonald’s, what would your reaction have been?

Yanbu. He lied, and then behaved badly when caught out.

You're clearly not massively annoyed at him though - your OP read more like 'mildly ticked off' than 'imminent eruption'. I presume this sort of thing isn't normal for him?

@ScrambledSmegs her OP says My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down?

That's a bit more than mildly tickled off

I really dont think you need two adults at swimming really, if the guy is working and you are not give him a break. How do you think single parents go on?