Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 08/01/2020 09:34

Poor guy, working all those hours and not being allowed to sneak off for a Macdonalds and being expected to go to his daughters swimming lessonHmm

ScrambledSmegs · 08/01/2020 09:34

Yeah, I saw that but the whole tone of the post wasn't absolutely furious. I've got a friend whose version of off the chart rage looks like a mild dose of cramps if you're not looking for it.

Of course I may be completely wrong and the OP chased him round the house with a frying pan in hand Confused

chocolatemademefat · 08/01/2020 09:37

I’m not surprised he felt the need to lie. You come across as very controlling. Two people going to a swimming lesson is one too many. I’m sure your daughter will get used to him not being there - as she’ll have to anyway when his hours change. After working all day spectating at a swimming pool would be way down on my wish list. As for the MacDonalds and the ‘cheeky chips’ for god sake grow up - do you realise how childish that makes you sound.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 08/01/2020 09:38

I think it’s the lying that’s wrong, not so much the missing the swimming.

Why not change the system so that he texts you to say if he’s coming or not rather than you ringing him?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 09:39

@Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze because then OP can't use their child to emotionally blackmail him into doing what she wants Smile

vacayonmymind · 08/01/2020 09:41

As a parent, I find watching swimming lessons the most dull activity on the planet and would do just about anything to avoid them.

If the guy had said “sorry, had a long shit day and don’t want to watch swimming, sitting in my car eating some shit good” you would have been cool with that? I doubt it, your language like “poor DD” speaks volumes that you would have torn the poor man a new one.

Do you have other kids? Or do you have peace 5 days a week while your DD is at school, and begrudging your DH an hours peace?

Original poster
McdonaldsOrSwimming · 08/01/2020 09:42

Cheeky chips was his phrase...

OP posts:
53rdWay · 08/01/2020 09:51

'cheeky chips' is really not the problem, people just like finding any reason they can to put the boot in.

TheReef · 08/01/2020 09:53

Of course he's allowed a cheeky Mcdonald's and to sit in peace for a bit. BUT he should t have lied, I found watching swimming lessons like pulling teeth. But it needs to be done. Maybe going forward you take it in turns to 'do a cheeky Mcdonald's' each week

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 09:54

After 5 pages all you can reply about is the phrase “cheeky chips”?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/01/2020 09:58

If I can avoid the DC's swimming lessons I will do. It's last on my list of stuff I want to do.

OP he was wrong to lie but in the bigger scheme of things it's not a big deal. I get migraines sometimes and the only thing that helps is sleep, fuel and peace, so don't be too tough. Both of you have been a bit shit to one another; draw a line under it and start again.

FizzyIce · 08/01/2020 10:01

It’s pretty crappy but “poor dd” ? Bit dramatic.
It’s one swimming lesson and unless you tell her her dad lies then she’s none the wiser.
I used to take dd to swimming lessons island I wish I could have had times I could’ve got out of it , not because I don’t love dd but because it’s stifling in there and the whole showering /hair washing debacle is tiring .

FizzyIce · 08/01/2020 10:01

*and I wish

Devereux1 · 08/01/2020 10:18

whilst poor DD was at her lesson

Maybe I missed it, but what was so wrong with your DD? Confused

The sounds around swimming pools are absolutely terrible when you have a headache/migraine btw.

TryingToBeBold · 08/01/2020 10:21

*Do you have other kids? Or do you have peace 5 days a week while your DD is at school, and begrudging your DH an hours peace?

TryingToBeBold · 08/01/2020 10:24

Bold fail!

Do you have other kids? Or do you have peace 5 days a week while your DD is at school, and begrudging your DH an hours peace?

I did wonder this. Like how old do your children have to be/at school to stop using SAHM to your disadvantage.
For those saying OP never gets time to herself for her own cheeky mcdonalds or hour out..if the kids are at school.. theres plenty of chance!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 10:26

I assumed DD was an only child as surely DH would have to make sure he was home to look after the others otherwise.

And I don't know anyone with more than one child who panders to their children in this way.

TryingToBeBold · 08/01/2020 10:30

@GiveHerHellFromUs

That is true.
In that case if DD is at school age... go get your own damm McDonalds at any time between school drop off and school pick up.
If his commute is looking at 5 - 6 (to make it for swimming), and you get home from swimming 6:50.. give half hour for dinner.. dinner at 7:20? I'd be eating McDonalds every bloody swimming day at this rate.
Sometimes I use to commute just 5-6 and get home and be ravenous.

Redpolkadotcup · 08/01/2020 10:38

YABU for directing your anger at the fact he has fast food without DD, didn't make swimming etc
You 100% are NOT being unreasonable to be angry about lying, a lie of any size or proportion pisses me off majorly.

Chocolatemouse84 · 08/01/2020 10:53

I don't like lying so he was unreasonable there he should have told the truth.

But I also think you're over reacting. There have been many times on my way home from work that I have been tempted to pull over with a mcdonalds late and just have peace and quiet and I have been known to leave for work 15 minutes early to do this.

I think you are unreasonable to ask him to come straight from work and sit through dd's swimming lesson when he doesn't need to... He knows it's on so doesn't need a speaker phone conversation with dd listening to guilt trip him into coming.

Me and oh have an agreement, who ever isn't working that day does the after school clubs. If we are both off, we flip a coin.

RedskyAtnight · 08/01/2020 11:09

I'm not sure he was even lying.
At 5pm he said he was stuck in traffic. I've been stuck in plenty of traffic jams where I thought I would be there for an hour or more, and the miraculously everything has started moving for no apparent reason.

It's perfectly possible he was in a traffic jam with no end in sight at 5pm, and still got to McDonalds at 5.35pm. And, having already told you he couldn't make it, it didn't seem a big deal not to turn up for swimming (working on the principle that he considers a 5 year old's swimming lessons as do most people on this thread - a necessary evil to be endured, not the most vital thing ever) but to grab an hour to himself instead.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/01/2020 11:19

I'd be annoyed that he wasnt honest with me, if you are the kind of person that wouldnt have gone mad if he had told you he couldn't be bothered. If he had said to you one evening 'it seems like a waste of time for both of us to watch her swim, why dont we take it in turns or I'll go every second week so I can have some down time', would you have said yes ok or made a big deal of it? If you know youd be ok with it then I'd be very pissed off, first that he has to lie and say he had been caught up in traffic and second that when you confronted him he didnt admit it and lied again saying he had a migraine to try and get out of it. When you have a migraine you generally want to lie down in a dark room not stuff your face with two meals and mess about on a computer til 11pm. I'd be concerned that he could lie convincingly and wonder what else he had lied about.

Also I think you need to talk to him about work, most parents have to change their hours or make other sacrifices with work to make childcare work. Why is it all on you to find a job that starts and finishes within school hours? Is there really no flexibility in his job even a couple of days a week or is he just telling you there is?

YasssKween · 08/01/2020 11:20

"Poor DD" Goodness me!

I know a mum who would have really chilled out children if she didn't make a big drama out of stuff like this. They're so anxious now and almost look at her to guess what reaction is OK.

"Ah daddy can't make it, nevermind we'll see him at home afterwards!"

Life is too short!

MoonlightBonnet · 08/01/2020 12:12

Do you think maybe you make life more exhausting for all of you than it needs to be? You make hands free joint phone calls with your daughter, instead of washing her in the pool showers and sticking her in a onesie ready for bed you bring her home from swimming and put her in the bath (wtf?), you inspect receipts for the time and date. I’d be cross he lied, but if he’d had a bad day at work and you make home exhausting too I can sort of understand.

NoSauce · 08/01/2020 12:18

There’s something annoying about a couple that have to go to swimming ( or whatever else the child is doing ) together every week. Especially when one of them has to go straight from work. Probably irrational I know but it bugs me. Comes across as a bit wet.

Swipe left for the next trending thread