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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 08/01/2020 12:27

Think you’re over egging the pudding a bit

StreetwiseHercules · 08/01/2020 12:28

You are a bully OP. It’s entirely ok for people to lie in order to avoid criticism of abuse.

Sometimes people just need some time for the sake of their own well-being. Life as a parent is busy and hard enough without the absolute demand that both parents attend all swimming lessons every single week.

Vilanelle · 08/01/2020 12:35

I think you have massively overreacted.

its. just. swimming

One week where he missed it. Sometimes people NEED space

Vilanelle · 08/01/2020 12:37

And he probably lied because he is used to your reactions. Do you have any other children op?

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 12:51

'Abuse', really?

I don't think both parents need to attend swimming, and if that was my DH expecting me to turn up after a long work day when I just desperately want some quiet time, I would say no and have a conversation (later without child present) about what was fair/reasonable.

But he didn't have a sensible conversation like that. He said "no because the traffic is awful, wait no it's because I had a migraine, wait no oh well YOU lie to your mum!"

It is of course possible that he did that because she's a horrendous abusive harridan who'd be after him with a frying pan for saying "no", but it seems more likely from what's here that he just knew she wouldn't like him saying "no", and is one of those people who'd prefer to lie for an easy life.

Best thing to do for the child in my view is set a good example of being truthful and of parents getting to have needs and time off too. So no 'oops Daddy's stuck in traffic!' when Daddy actually just needs a break after a hard day, but no lengthy household rows about why Daddy made up bollocks about migraines either.

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 12:53

Mind you, many people on MN are really unbothered about lying done to avoid an uncomfortable conversation (especially when it's men avoiding an uncomfortable conversation with their partners) so I'm in the minority on that. Still think it's an important example to set to children, though.

Molly2016 · 08/01/2020 13:11

@Nicknacky I thought that too.

And how no one has noticed how strange it was that someone who lied about what they had been doing was sloppy enough to just leave the receipt lying on the hall floorway. Most liars are more careful about covering their tracks. Which would suggest either he isn’t a practiced liar or the receipt wasn’t simply lying on the floor...

Alpecker · 08/01/2020 13:20

Presumably if he works long hours he doesn't get to see DD much and you would think he'd want to spend a relatively relaxing 30 minutes doing something that mattered to her.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 13:39

@Alpecker watching her from afar isn't really spending time with her

Alpecker · 08/01/2020 13:45

No but what I mean is he doesn't get to see her much. And seeing her do something that matters to her should matter to him.

foodandwine89 · 08/01/2020 13:53

Both of you were unreasonable. You massively overreacted, he shouldn’t have lied.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 08/01/2020 13:58

Iim a swimming teacher we really dont need the full family coming to lessons. Majority of parents are on their phones or reading. Watching my own df lessons they are boring. My dh never takes her and I wouldn't expect to him after work.

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 14:05

Ah yes, the takeaway burger, that well-known cure used by migraine sufferers everywhere. Poor, poor, DH, suffering nobly at a fast food joint, then coming home to be berated by his witch of a wife ...

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down?

You need to ask, love?
He's an arsehole for shirking an activity that his DD looks forward to having him attend.
But ... if he'd been upfront & told you "I'm having a shitter of a day & don't feel up to making happy faces at the pool tonight, please will you cover for me with DD"
it would have been far easier to deal with, wouldn't it?

The lying makes me wonder why he's ok with disengaging with family life on the sly - so disrespectful to you, & cold to his DD. Unless he gave fulsome & sincere apologies & started to step up more for DD, I'd be constantly on the alert for more let-downs & lies now ...

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 14:10

But if he was tired, why would he want to come to the swimming lesson?

This misses the point quite spectacularly.
Tired or not, his DD was expecting him, & wanted him there.

Or is it ok to opt out of anything nice for the kids if you are "tired" (or have invented a 'migraine')?
Does this opt-out work for mums as well, or is it purely a rule for selfish dads?

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 14:18

Give the guy a break sad that he has to lie to you to avoid getting grief.

No - what's sad is the guy can't handle telling his wife the truth, can't deal with being upfront & discussing reasonable outcomes like an adult, chooses to lie instead, then rather than owning his (absolutely inconsequential, if he'd been truthful) behaviour, decides that he's going to tattle to OP's mum that OP still has a crafty smoke behind the bike sheds on occasion.

As if causing more discord & bother is going to help ...

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 14:26

@DianaT1969 - your post at Wed 08-Jan-20 07:47:34 is one of the most helpful "firm but fair" pieces advice I've read on MN.

OP - hope you can take that all on board, & get to a place where DH doesn't feel he needs to lie about something which you can handle between you by being open & upfront with each other.

minesagin37 · 08/01/2020 14:29

Why do you both need to go swimming. He's probably knackered after work. Split the tasks to give all of you a break otherwise by the time your DD gets to 15 you are going to be wasted!

ScatteredMama82 · 08/01/2020 14:34

Sorry but I can see your DH’s perspective. After a long day at work, I wouldn’t want to go and watch a swimming lesson either. I also wouldn’t want to be cross-examined about it on speaker. He needs some downtime too.

Original poster
McdonaldsOrSwimming · 08/01/2020 14:43

DD is an only.
He has told minor fibs about having days off when DD and I visited my parents when she was a pre schooler.
He is quite lazy so dropping to receipt is something he'd just do.
He does get quite a bit of free time. He has gone back after two weeks annual leave. He had 3 full days and 2 nights alone in that time. He also goes running 5 nights out of seven. Either straight from work or when DD is in bed. He gets all sunday morning in bed/alone because I take DD to an activity and most of saturday morning alone.
Maybe my expectations are a bit skewed because I genuinely don't mind watching swimming.
For the poster enquiring about why I bath DD after swimming, it is easier to do her hair because my arms aren't long enough to get to wash her hair properly. She's still in training to wash it properly. It takes the same time and she's had a snack/wash/story/bed by 7:45.
I do get time alone as a SAHM but I happily deal with all admin/household/shopping/cooking. So I don't sit down and do nothing as such.
I will attempt to approach him calmly as to why he lied. I assume he, like PP thinks I'm a harridan too.

OP posts:
TORDEVAN · 08/01/2020 14:57

I think YANBU. Swimming aside, he shouldn't have lied to you. He could have even dropped you a quick text just after the call to let you know without telling your DD the truth.

I wouldn't make too much out of one time though, just a "please just tell me the truth next time" and move on. If he lies repeatedly too you I'd make more of it

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 15:06

I think it's totally fine for him to not want to watch swimming. It can be fairly dull and it's a noisy hot place. (I don't mind it but from my pool you can only 'watch' from a distance from the cafe, so it's half an hour with a book and a coffee, bliss.)

But the thing is if he doesn't tell you he doesn't want to watch swimming, you can't know, can you?. He needs to be able to tell you clearly what he does and doesn't want if he expects you to factor that in to your decisions.

Babynamechangerr · 08/01/2020 15:18

Deary me, this situation has been caused my ridiculous overparenting.

You don't need two people to take a kid to a swimming lesson! I can't think of anything more boring than watching my kid do theirs.

Suspect your husband doesn't really want to go to the swimming lesson but does because you will kick off and because your DD now expect him to watch her (which is not necessary, as you're already there).

I expect what you've done is just made him more secretive, so he'll cover his tracks better next time he's looking for a break.

StreetwiseHercules · 08/01/2020 15:40

“ and is one of those people who'd prefer to lie for an easy life.”

There’s nothing wrong with that. At all. Nobody is entitled to know the entire thought processes and motivations of other people.

StreetwiseHercules · 08/01/2020 15:41

“ Or is it ok to opt out of anything nice for the kids if you are "tired" (or have invented a 'migraine')?”

Sometimes it is ok, yes.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 08/01/2020 15:51

Sometimes parents come before kids. You child was with you op and she was perfectly sad and cared for while doing an activity I assume she enjoys? He needed some peace, 30mins peace is not much to want if he had a bad day. I can’t say I’ve never done what your dh done (I’d be surprised if he’s nver done it aswell before), I’ve told dh I was stuck because of a tube delay and went and had a coffee by myself after a very hard day at work, not everything needs to have a concersation about it and be over analysed, sometime you just need quiet one where you don’t talk to anyone. If it not a thing that happens regularly I think you’ve blown this about if proportion tbh.