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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
mummyway · 08/01/2020 01:52

The issue isn't that he needed peace, the issue is him lying about everything. Also he only apologised because you caught him out, not because he feels he did anything wrong by lying. You need to have a serious talk about this

Grumpos · 08/01/2020 02:08

I mean Confused
It’s not great that he couldn’t just txt you before he set off and say “had a shitter of a day at work, do you mind if I skip the swimming and I’ll see you both at home?”
Do you not have the type of relationship where you can give each other the odd bit of breathing space? Perhaps he felt like he had to make up some bullshit story just to get an hour to himself?

It’s stupid of him to lie I agree, but if you stand back and are honest with yourself, do you allow each other to have your own space and time and is it a safe space to say “I need something for myself” within the relationship, without the other person resenting it?

managedmis · 08/01/2020 02:12

I am also wondering whether he does this regularly.

^^

What? Lies about where he is? Most probably

Thickums · 08/01/2020 02:21

YABU to say "cheeky chips".

TeddybearBaby · 08/01/2020 03:19

Why would you have lied to your daughter when the truth would have done ‘daddy is really tired / not feeling well so he won’t be able to make swimming today’. There seems to be a bit of lying on both sides. I know we all want to shield our kids from hurt / disappointment but it’s important that they do feel them tbh.

My mum always taught me not to lie to my kids because they wouldn’t trust me. I’m honest most of the time. Obvs there are times when you have to tell white lies but I don’t think this case is one of them.

TheStoic · 08/01/2020 03:56

Your marriage is doomed if you continue with this mother/naughty boy dynamic.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 05:11

You called him on loudspeakers with your daughter there. How was he supposed to tell you he wasn't coming?

He's entitled to some alone time and, to be fair, he's been at work all day while you've been at home basically doing whatever you like.

I think YABU.

Techway · 08/01/2020 05:28

I think if you have the attitude of "poor daughter" then you have created a situation where he is the bad guy for not going to swimming, hence the white lie.

Don't blow this up as it is a complete over reaction and ask him to tell you in future as you will understand.
Your dd will have many more disappointments in her life so getting her to he resilient is important.

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2020 05:47

I don't think that he likes rushing to swimming lessons straight after work. Can you switch to the weekend, so that he's not rushing around?

Newbie1999 · 08/01/2020 06:18

This wouldn’t bother me. He probably didn’t want to tell you originally that he wanted to give it a miss this week because he knew you’d kick off.

thickwoollytights · 08/01/2020 06:26

and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working.

What the actual?

This jumps out at me - not just a misogynist but a tell tale misogynist 🤮

Zeusthemoose · 08/01/2020 06:35

I don't think it's that bad. He just wanted some space and junk food. No big deal. Why does he need to watch the swimming lessons straight after work if your there?

IWishItWasSummer · 08/01/2020 06:35

I’d be really pissed off if my parter didn’t work yet expected me to rush home from my job to watch a 30 minute swimming lesson tbh.

You have created the expectation with your DD that her dad is there to watch her swim every week. I think the whole scenario is petty. If SAHD had posted this scenario it would have been met with a whole load of different replies.

Mollie3 · 08/01/2020 06:46

Why did he get a receipt and then bring it home leaving it lying around? Textbook mistake!

Next time he wants sex just say you have a migraine and need sugar (as in food!) and send him out for your favourite takeaway

rwalker · 08/01/2020 06:49

He lied because he didn't want to go and knew he said that you would of given him shit for it .
TBH after a day at work last thing I'd want to do would is sit through watching a swimming lesson hot and noisy.
We used to take turns with ours and because you don't want to go and watch everything your child does doesn't make you a bad parent .

Give the guy a break sad that he has to lie to you to avoid getting grief.

If you make a big thing about going to see everything then kids expect it you have a life as well as being a parent.
Doesn't make you a bad parent because you want a bit of down time .

Dontdisturbmenow · 08/01/2020 06:54

He had a bad day at work. He needed comfort. He knew that if he told you the truth, you wouldn't understand and would have given him a hard time. He couldn't deal with his DD not understanding and you being annoyed with him, so he lied thinking you'd never found out.

You are making too much of a big deal of it. If he did this regularly, then fair enough, but everyone is entitled to have a bad day. Many dad's would never bother to go after a long day at work, he does, he clearly enjoys it and wants to make his DD happy doing so. Just not that day.

Cut him some slack, the stress from a bad day work can be absolutely hell.

Henrysmycat · 08/01/2020 06:55

Bleeming hell! Reading the title I was expecting a husband that lied that lead to financial abuse, or a DH that lied and was using sex workers, or having affairs or something to that level. Instead we have someone who, as you say OP, works hard and didn’t attend a boring swimming lesson while he had 5 mins to himself after work.
You’re a drama queen OP. Sure, he shouldn’t have lied but I think you boss-mothering him doesn’t help either for him to come clean.
I’ve had kids and you have to learn to manage their expectations. It’s a 1/2 weekly swimming, it’s not like he missed her PhD graduation ceremony.
Mountain out of molehill.

Charley50 · 08/01/2020 07:00

YABU.

Buscake · 08/01/2020 07:05

I’d be pissed off. I was a sahm for years, and by the end of the day I would be desperate for my husband to come home to take the pressure off. But he loves taking them to their activities so it works for both of us. I really don’t enjoy taking them to their swimming/cubs/brownies/martial arts etc because I’d rather be doing other things; he sees it as time to chill while they’re doing the activity and time to spend with them there and back. Perhaps your husband is more of my mindset that sees it as a boring chore, and you see it more like my husband does?

Sadiesnakes · 08/01/2020 07:07

He shouldn't of lied.

But you sound smothering op, so not that lying was the right thing to do, I suspect you are making his life too difficult for the truth sometimes.

Being on mn a while, you should be counting your lucky stars it was McDonalds and not a prositute or some such...

PurrBox · 08/01/2020 07:14

Can you take a really honest look at the situation and make sure that you are not suggesting to dd that she really wants daddy there to watch her swim. Did you ever do anything to create this feeling in her- talk about how nice it is for daddy to come, how excited he will be to see her swim, etc? I see parents do this all the time: project their own feelings onto their kids. It is often a good thing to do, as we teach our kids this way, and lots of this teaching is good. However, this sounds like an unhealthy pattern here, which puts an unnecessary pressure on him and raises unreasonable expectations in her. A half hour spent playing together or reading or doing a project is much more important for a parent who works long hours, and your daughter would hardly notice if dad is there unless someone at some point made an issue of it.

motherheroic · 08/01/2020 07:20

If I had a headache I wouldn't want to go to a swimming lesson where kids are loud and every sound is bouncing off the walls.

anotherBadAvatar · 08/01/2020 07:23

I’d be pissed off. It’d make me wonder when else he’d tried to avoid family life. (I get we all need a break, but you TALK to your partner about it)

From now on you alternate weeks. No excuses.

OneDay10 · 08/01/2020 07:24

You are such a dram queen, no wonder he needed some peace away. He does make it some times to the lesson so why does he need to be there all the time. Sounds like he lied because you would make an issue of it. So what if he just didnt want to make the lesson if he had a migraine? that's the last place I would want to be as well.
You are dramatic- 'poor dd at her lesson'
and as for 'cheeky chips' Hmm
No need for both of you to go, alternate if its that big a deal to you.

buckeejit · 08/01/2020 07:27

Yanbu. as a mother I can see myself in that situation.

Yes he may have needed some time but I'm sure you do too & have no option but to carry on. I'd also be pissed off after cooking for him that he'd rather have McDs.

Discuss again when you're both calm & agree where you both get some me time.

Also he's a dickhead for threatening to tell your mum you smoke. He clearly doesn't like being caught out so it's in his interest to fix himself