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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
Spacedust1 · 08/01/2020 07:28

I'd be annoyed at him lying tbh and then trying to cover it up by secretly eating in the car and then stating he was going to tell your mum you smoke!! But, it's not a huge deal I suppose but yes, I'd also be really annoyed

MollyButton · 08/01/2020 07:28

He shouldn't have lied.

But two of you taking DD swimming????
My experience with 3 DC, over years of swimming- is that sitting next to a pool "watching" lessons is one of the circles of hell. And definitely if I had a headache is the last place I'd want to be.
It is noisy, too hot, and always seems to be too bright. And the child doesn't even "really" know you are there.
It is certainly not something that I would inflict on both parents. If he has to/wants to come, then maybe you could swap parenting duties - and you go home whilst he collects her?

Wineiscooling · 08/01/2020 07:29

It's the lying that would upset me rather than the missing swimming. But did he think you would over react if he was honest about just not feeling like going?

Scrumptiousbears · 08/01/2020 07:29

He shouldn't have lied but I agree it doesn't take both of you to go to swimming every week. It's a long day to have commuted, worked, back home, then go to swimming to eventually get home for 7pm. Both of you don't need to do it. Yes your DD likes him to be there but it's not practical in a busy family.

MashedSpud · 08/01/2020 07:33

Is there more pissing you off?

You say the last six weeks he’s been working 6-6pm and you also mention him being on the computer.

If you aren’t suspicious about anything else I’d give him a break over Maccies in the car. The receipt was for one.

KidCaneGoat · 08/01/2020 07:35

I’d be so annoyed! Don’t get why everybody thinks it’s not a big deal. Don’t lie to me. If he was really tired he could have texted earlier to ask if you’d take her. You don’t lie to your DP to get out of parenting. Like skiving.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 07:35

Yes he may have needed some time but I'm sure you do too & have no option but to carry on.

Apart from 9-3 when DD is at school five days a week?

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 08/01/2020 07:37

Sorry but I’m with your DH although the whole telling on you to your mum is very immature.

But you sound hard work.
You are a SAHM to one five year old (who is presumably at school) and yet you insist he attends a swimming lesson after he’s already done a day at work, ringing him on speaker to check his ETA and then saying poor DD and being furious when he swerves it

Blimey we have all done that on occasion. Just needed to check out from something and made up a bit of an excuse.

Yes he shouldn’t have lied but tbh you don’t sound like someone who would have just been ok about it

The expectation that daddy attends a swimming lesson as well as mummy just because your DD likes that best is ridiculous.

roiseandjim · 08/01/2020 07:41

2 people do not need to take a kid to swimming lessons. Your daughter needs to learn that daddy can't always be there as he's working to pay for the swimming lessons she has. You're blowing this way out of proportion. Poor man

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 07:42

It was odd to pull out the “I’ll tell your mum you’re still smoking” thing. It suggests something about how he sees this dynamic, as a mummy/naughty child situation.

Not unreasonable if him to want an hour off for some quiet time if you’re going to be there at swimming anyway. Unreasonable of him not to just tell you that, like an adult.

DianaT1969 · 08/01/2020 07:47

The PP comment that your marriage is doomed if you continue with this smothering mother/naughty boy dynamic is your wake up call OP. I'd guess that you have limited time to fix this, if it isn't too late already. What was the woman he married like? Would she have said 'cheeky chips', put pressure on a partner working full-time to make a children's swim class direct from work? No downtime, switch off or choice for him because DD5 would be devastated and 'adores him'.
Does he have an interesting, fun, vibrant wife/partner (your OP suggests the opposite) or have you morphed into 2 people's mum without realising it?

I'm surprised others didn't understand his reference to your smoking. He is calling you out on the dishonesty. As you did to him. if you spent a week with your mum, presumably you'd sneak off for a cigarette sometimes and lie about what you were doing? Does that make you a bad person?

Regarding the lying. I'd say he finds it easier than dealing with you, particularly on speaker. He probably intended to go, but couldn't face it as he got nearer.

Fix the dynamic OP. For everyone's sake.

RedskyAtnight · 08/01/2020 07:48

You're making the whole situation way harder than it needs to be.

Move the swimming lessons to the weekend and alternate who takes DD.
Or tell DD that Daddy can't come to the swimming lessons because it's a rush from work, so not to expect him (and if he can unexpectedly get to the odd one, then great). Find something else they can do together at an easier time (as an aside - isn't 6pm a bit late for a 5 year old's swimming lesson anyway - she must be shattered!).

no, he shouldn't have lied to you, but sounds like you're putting huge pressure on him to get to something that is awkward for him. Swimming lessons do not need 2 parents to be there!

Scrumptiousbears · 08/01/2020 07:49

*@kidcanegoat
*
Maybe he couldn't just tell her and that's another issue.

"Hi love, I've had a shit day at work so I want some space and McDonalds"

Would the OP have accepted this? Who knows.

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 07:52

Regarding the lying. I'd say he finds it easier than dealing with you

In adult relationships we do not get to lie to our partners on the grounds that it’s less hassle for us than telling the truth would be.

The dynamic absolutely does need fixing, but he needs to take an actual role in fixing that.

ferrier · 08/01/2020 07:53

I think it's a bit much expecting him to come to swimming more than very occasionally after a day at work. Dd should view it as a treat and not an expectation.

TheFoxAndTheMole · 08/01/2020 07:57

This isn't the big deal you made it. He handled it badly, but having a bad day at work and possibly a headache (his food and behaviour leads me to be fairly confident it's not a migraine) can make a person snappy grumpy and make poor choices. I hope you've both had a decent night's sleep and apologise to each other this morning.

FagAsh · 08/01/2020 07:58

Who cares?

This is so silly.

lowlandLucky · 08/01/2020 07:58

Migraine but on the computer all night ! He didn't want to watch his Daughter swimming and isnt man enough to say so. Ignore him, let him lie and stomp like a child, at least you know what you are married too now

TryingToBeBold · 08/01/2020 07:59

But he lied by omission technically?

When you rang him at 5, he hadn't gone to mcdonalds? It was 5:25. Maybe traffic was bad. Traffic was meant to be getting home at 6:20, you didn't get home till 6:50.. for all you know he thought fuck it,I'll be late home anyway, I'm hungry.. I'll grab it on the way home and he got in 10 mins before you did?

He could have text you to say "feeling shit, grabbed some food".. but at 5:25 and you getting home at 6:50..anything he got for your DD (a couple of fries?) Would have been cold.

I've definitely grabbed a sneaky fries on the way home and then had dinnerGrin

KidCaneGoat · 08/01/2020 08:00

@Scrumptiousbears that’s true. I was just imagining if my DP said he couldn’t come. I’d just say ‘ok, no worries’ And say the same to DC. Dad’s really tired today and can’t make it. It’s ok to be honest with kids. It’s teaches them to be honest too.

ohprettybaby · 08/01/2020 08:01

I cannot bear lying so that is what I would have been furious about. If there isn't trust, which involves people being truthful with each other, it doesn't bode well for your marriage.

I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse
You were prepared to lie to your DD. You are as bad as each other.

All he needed to do was tell you the truth, that he didn't want to come and why and all you needed to do was tell your DD why her daddy wouldn't be coming.

You can't be furious with his lying when you are prepared to lie. You are being a hypocrite.

LizziesTwin · 08/01/2020 08:02

You take her to her lesson, he takes her swimming at the weekend so she can practice what she’s learned, show him and have fun jumping in, swimming through his legs etc.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 08/01/2020 08:02

What @DianaT1969 said

You are mothering both him and DD with your expectations of behaviour and silly language.

He sounds worn out and a bit downtrodden whilst you are ‘trying to find the right job’ and making huge mountains out of Sikh things because you are bored?

Shake it up OP
Find work
Share the parenting outside of work and get your own life a bit

Let him be an adult and you be one too but not a parent to your partner. It never leads to happiness long term

KidCaneGoat · 08/01/2020 08:03

I’d also be annoyed about the dinner thing. If you’re gonna eat out then just say you’re gonna eat out.

PineappleDanish · 08/01/2020 08:03

I must have missed the memo that children's swimming lessons was a family spectator sport... how dull.

After a day at work there is nothing I would want to do less than sit in a stuffy, hot pool while my offspring splashed around. Every sodding week. The poor guy wanted to go home, get some food and watch telly. Cut him some slack.

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