Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lying DH

185 replies

McdonaldsOrSwimming · 07/01/2020 23:41

Name change because, well, because, it's stupid.

DD's swimming lessons have changed to on Tuesdays at 6pm. DH can mostly make it after work and either comes home or meets us there. Sometimes traffic is bad so we call him to see his ETA.

Today we called him at 5:00 (on his hands free) to ask what time he would be home and if he could make swimming. I only do this on Tuesdays because DD is only 5 and really likes it that Daddy can come and watch this activity. She got a bit upset that he couldn't make it, but I reassured her it was the traffic and unavoidable.

He said that the traffic was really bad and he'd be home at 6:20. So off we go to swimming and DH was home when we got home at 6:50. DD is only 5 so I got her straight in the bath for a hairwash.

I went downstairs for her a drink while she was in the bath and picked up a receipt that had been dropped in the hall. It was for the McDonalds, close to swimming for 5:35. H had lied about the traffic and gone to McDonalds, ordered a meal and sat in his car to eat it whilst poor DD was at her lesson.

My AIBU, was I right to be absolutely furious with him for lying, and letting DD down? He claimed, when I handed him the receipt after DD was asleep that he had a 'migraine' and had had a bad day at work, and he needed some peace. I told him that he should not have done that since it was important to DD and also if he really didn't want to, just to tell me (not on speakerphone) and I'd have covered with the bad traffic excuse. Or, he could have come to swimming and we could have ordered a takeaway or gone to mcdonalds on the way home. I'm sure DD would have loved a few cheeky chips.

I'm also furious that I left him a plated meal that he decided wasn't as good as fast food, he did manage to force it down when he was still acting. When I told him I was a bit annoyed that he went to get mcdonalds, he said "he needed some sugar."
I told him to go to bed if he had a migraine, since I was surprised he felt he could eat if he was so ill. It's 11pm and he is still on his computer snapping at me.

I did sit downstairs but he came apologising, but then blaming me for ringing and also weird things like he was going to tell my mum that I was still smoking the odd cigarette (I'm nearly 40!) and that he is entitled to have some peace since he is the only one working. I am a SAHM looking really hard for a job that fits school hours since he won't move his job and DD has some additional needs that would make it hard for her to adjust to childcare.

So MN, what do you think. Should I keep sweet and think he is entitled to his "peace" or be angry at his lying and secret mcdonalds.

It's not as if our home is a sugar free zone and I disapprove of fast food either.

He's finally gone to bed telling me that he didn't know whether I'd cooked a meal for him or not. I can't actually remember the last time I didn't cook us all a meal activities or not.

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 08/01/2020 15:52

Perfectly safe not sad!

Thingsthatgo · 08/01/2020 15:55

He shouldn’t have lied, he is definitely in the wrong for that. He should be able to say to you ‘I need a break’, or even ‘I don’t want to watch the swimming every week’ and then between you decide what works for the both of you. Equally, you should be able to say the same to him. It’s just down to communication.

PineappleDanish · 08/01/2020 15:58

Maybe my expectations are a bit skewed because I genuinely don't mind watching swimming

Most definitely. It is really not the norm for both parents to troop along to watch small children having very routine swimming lessons.

He most probably lied as it was the easy way out - have a lengthy conversation about how watching DD swim is like watching paint dry, it's hot and stuffy and how quite frankly it's the last thing he needs after day at work. Then you'd hit the roof, be all PFB about your "poor daughter" and how it's all special to watch her as a family and the poor guy just can't win.

So he tells you he's caught in traffic. I really don't think you need to post-mortem this even further. And stop forcing him to go to swimming classes!

ActualHornist · 08/01/2020 16:12

Wow. Lots of very strong opinions here.

This is definitely something I would tease my husband about Confused as he would me. Oops, got caught having a sneaky McDonald’s!

I think you’re being needlessly dramatic about the swimming lessons and need to chill the fuck out about the other stuff. If he’s not allowed to tell you you shouldn’t smoke then you’re not allowed to tell him he shouldn’t be spoiling his dinner.

I suspect you feel aggrieved he’s often opting out of family life with the running etc. But this won’t be solved by forcing him to rush back to watch a swimming lesson.

53rdWay · 08/01/2020 16:19

But if he's never actually said he doesn't want to go to swimming then she's not 'forcing' him to go, is she? If he said "look it's dull as ditchwater and noisy and boiling, I'd really rather not" then fair enough, but if all he's ever said is "ooooh I'd LOVE to but alas I'm stuck in traffic/have migraine/whatever" then it's not like she's frogmarching him there against his will.

No he doesn't need to be there. And clearly doesn't want to be there. He is however an adult who could communicate this via the boring old method of 'making words come out of his mouth'.

Pencilplantironingboard · 08/01/2020 16:25

Swimming lessons are awful if I’d been at work all day I’d do anything to avoid them. You can’t see the kids they can barely see you. It’s hot it’s loud. My god you shouldn’t both have to suffer. I would have put the receipt in the bin or made a joke about it. How do people stay married to such uptight people? I bet the kid couldn’t care less.

OxfordCat · 08/01/2020 16:28

I feel a bit sorry for him that he felt he needed to sneak around and couldn't just tell you he needed some space. It's not to say SAHP isn't just as hard as his job, but its a different kind of stress, and perhaps he had a particularly hard day (as no doubt you have had many times too). I think you should alternate the swimming lesson supervision or something, that way you both get time off. It wasn't great he lied but it's not crime of the century and you do sound as if you need to get some perspective on things.

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 17:03

No he doesn't need to be there. And clearly doesn't want to be there. He is however an adult who could communicate this via the boring old method of 'making words come out of his mouth'.

Grin Grin Grin

Patsypie · 08/01/2020 17:07

For ffs you sound like a nightmare. The poor bloke wanted some space, couldn't be bothered fighting traffic. Stop being so controlling!

KnifeAngel · 08/01/2020 17:13

He sounds very selfish. We always took our children together. My DH comes home and takes our children wherever they need to go.

motherheroic · 08/01/2020 17:25

@KnifeAngel Yes very selfish of him getting off a 12 hour shift and just wanting some wind down time instead of sitting in a stuffy pool with bright lights and loud noises.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/01/2020 17:31

He shouldn’t have lied. There’s no reason why he couldn’t have used the traffic excuse while on speakerphone, then later texted or told you the truth, OP.

Why lie?

PineappleDanish · 08/01/2020 17:37

Because the traffic lie avoids the third degree interrogation when he gets home about WHY didn't he want to watch his daughter swim and WHY doesn't he want to be there for his family and on and on and on and on until the poor guy really does have a migraine if he didn't have one to start with. You can see by the OP's reaction to what is - let's face it - a fairly minor fib that he took the easy way out.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 17:37

@BreatheAndFocus I'm 99% certain OP wouldn't have said "ok babe, you have some chill time and we'll see you later. Oh by the way your tea is in the oven x" if he had have text her to say he couldn't be arsed

PandoraJack · 08/01/2020 17:55

YADNBU

RhiWrites · 08/01/2020 18:05

I think he doesn’t want to go and pretends he does and lies. He’s not unreasonable for not wanting to go. But he is for his multiple lies and story changes and turning on you.

Goatinthegarden · 08/01/2020 18:27

It’s never good for children to think that their minor endeavours in life are exciting enough that people need/want to come and watch them every step of the way.

misses the point of the thread

Hadalifeonce · 08/01/2020 18:29

Although I can understand the not wanting to go to watch swimming, it's the lying that would make me angry. Why does he feel the need to lie, and not be an adult and tell his wife the truth?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/01/2020 18:34

To me it’s coming across that your very hard work OP, however I’ve only read the OP.

I’d wouldn’t be furious, I’d be quite sad that my dh felt the need to lie to me in order to get some quiet time that seems like he needed.

MerryDeath · 08/01/2020 18:37

he shouldn't have lied but i think expecting him to attend a swimming lesson is a bit intense and after a day at work he should be allowed to chill out for a minute. but he did handle it badly.

LochJessMonster · 08/01/2020 18:38

Sad that posters think it’s ok for a father to opt out of their child’s life when it suits them. Certain parts of being a parent are dull. But if it’s important to your child then you damn well suck it up.

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 18:40

I would opt out if swimming lessons if I had the chance! Nothing to do with him being the father, just no lint both of them being there.

Mummadeeze · 08/01/2020 18:43

Am surprised you make him come to swimming every week after a full day’s work when you are already taking her. So I think you are being unreasonable. I also don’t think you should be annoyed if he didn’t fancy it one week and wanted a McDonald’s instead. Sounds quite understandable to me!

makingmammaries · 08/01/2020 18:47

Seems to me your PFB-centric expectations have created a situation where this poor sod can’t even take himself to Macdonalds for a few minutes’ peace without having to make up an excuse.

TryingToBeBold · 08/01/2020 20:02

I dont think you would have been okay with him telling you. I think you'd have given him the third degree about not committing to swimming and leaving your DD devastated. He was never going to win.

He still ate your cooked dinner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread