Getting kids to school on time

[MarkyTinTin]

I’m a working dad but lucky enough to work from home 2 days a week so I can take my two dds to school those days. I always get them to school ASAP after it opens - my older d hates being late

Wife does not work but gets the dds to school late every day she has to take the. Not hugely late but always a couple of minutes. I can’t do anything about it and she is habitually late for everything. it’s having an impact on kids and our marriage as I think totally unacceptable. Have tried talking about it and playing the “be on time for the sake of our d” card but nothing changes - this has been 2 years now and at my wits end / stuck for solutions. We have no traffic issues and it’s just down to her leaving 10 mins earlier each day. Am I being unreasonable expecting our children to be delivered on time to school and can anyone advise on alternative strategies to change this behaviour (assuming unacceptable?).

I would give up my job to get them to school on time, but dw is not looking for work so we would lose everything. I can’t stand it any more - grateful for some ideas / alternative strategies please! Thank you 🙏

Is she depressed?

I hated the school gates so avoided them at all costs.

But it does sound like there’s more going on

You’re in the right, in my opinion, but it’s hard to know what time do.

I am someone who can be on the late side when it comes to early mornings (I’m ok with plans that are later in the day!) because I have difficulty getting to sleep and difficulty getting up. My natural sleep hours are naturally later, not sure if she is similar? That said I try really hard and usually get my youngest to school on time as I agree it’s unfair on them to be late. Plus I then have to go to work.

It’s tricky as you don’t want to come across as trying to be “the boss” of her. That would put anyone’s back up and make them do it more I’d think. Objectively it’s every parents decision if they want to make this effort for their dc. However this is clearly affecting your dd so I don’t think you can ignore it.

Sorry not the most helpful post in terms of solutions!

Is she really invested in your relationship?.If she is not working ,and doesnt have a meal ready in the evenings or do the washing that is unfair on you .

Great though these suggestions are, she spends 1 hour in the mornings getting herself ready. It isnt that she isnt up. She just puts herself first.

How does one stop a person from being so utterly selfish to the point their kids are being affected?

She’s a lazy sod. I work and don’t spend an hour getting ready. Why would she need an hour to get ready? She needs to get a job too (if they don’t sack her for being late). The two hours late for dinner is unacceptable and you should have left without her, it’s so rude. She doesn’t sound like she does much at home either.

Some serious words need to be had.

Sorry, but there is really no excuses for habitual lateness, its not like school starts at different times.

To those that say its, not an issue it is. Is shows complete lack of care to everyone else. It will effect the children and the rest of the class if they have children coming in late.

Sounds like you have other bigger issues then just the lateness. I wish you luck moving forward.

@56Marshmallow
Didn’t take long for the depressed card to come out 🙄🤣
If this was a man he’d be a shit lazy dad, all these pp excusing her is pathetic, she’s got all day every day to get organised, doesn’t work, takes an hour getting herself ready but makes the kids late; she’s selfish plain and simple and doesn’t even care how it affects her DC.
The pp saying how they’re always late as if it’s a badge of pride; it’s not; grow up and realise the world doesn’t revolve round you turning up.

Jeez, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.... Yes the lateness would piss me off, but more than that..... Why will she not get a job. Have you asked her to do so..... why is she not looking after the house if you are the one that is working long hours every day to keep your family afloat....? What is she actually doing to contribute to your 'family'. Based on what you have already said being accurate and nothing else going on that you are not saying..... I would be giving her some home truths and some ultimatums.....!!!

Being late constantly is just so rude I can't stand it! When you're late for no good reason it's basically saying "my time is more important than yours".
She's spending 1 hour in the morning getting HERSELF ready what a self-centered idiot. And 2 hours late for lunch the other day??? What an entitled rude woman. Personally this would drive me mad.

It’s always the same parents who are late every day at my DC’s school. I always wonder how or why they don’t feel absolutely mortified walking past the head teacher (who stands at the gate greeting everyone) every day. I hate being late personally, it stresses me out. We all have our bad days where everything goes wrong and we can’t help being late but every single day? It’s just laziness and disorganisation.

She only has school age children to get ready, no babies or toddlers to contend with. Everything should be ready to go the night before so it’s just a case of getting dressed (into uniform that’s laid out), brushing teeth and hair and eating breakfast. Can be done in half an hour, easy.

I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

It’s not just the consistent lateness (and 2hrs late is EXTREME), is that she apparently isn’t contributing to family life/home/finances either.

She’s totally checked out of all and any responsibility for the family.

That’s not ok and tbh, Id be seriously looking at adjusting your working hours, arranging alternative childcare for the days you are working and then call it a day on your marriage. Sounds like you and the kids would be happier.

I am always early to everything and my DH is always late. He drops the children to school a few minutes late everyday but its not the end of the world - plenty of other parents are a few minutes late too

How late are we talking? 5/10 minutes? If so I wouldn’t worry.

So that makes it OK then? . It is rude and an insult to the teachers. Other parents will think it’s OK to start bringing their children in late.
And when they are late every day at secondary school and get detentions dished out to them how will you feel about that?

Someone I once worked with was sacked for persistent lateness.

Main one is her chronic lateness for everything - friends, family, leaving for holiday etc. Another is unwillingness to find a job while I sweat it out leaving at 5am to return 9pm and then I do washing, cook a meal for myself

So she has chronic laziness as well. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. When I was a SAHM I did all the household stuff while DH worked. If the children are at school what does she do all day? If she is spending ages putting make up on etc where is she going?

we arrived for a Lunch with family 2 hours late at the weekend and I didn’t moan or bat an eyelid

Wow! Just wow. Is your wife’s time so much more important than everyone else’s? I wouldn’t have waited two hours for her. She sounds rude, disrespectful and arrogant.

Being late all the time doesn’t mean you are some sort of free spirit: it generally means you are a bit self-centred

That’s it in a nutshell.

Persistent lateness is a pretty complex behaviour. Most scientists think it's about demonstrating control (and with that comes an arrogance), and resisting something, or resenting it. Sometimes it's used as a "Oh, look at me, I'm so busy" signal to others.

Any of this ring a bell OP?

Why is she making the effort of dolling herself up when she's always late, all the other parents have already dropped their children off on time and left the school?

interesting that the 'being late' is school gate gossip. If your DC were being late regularly at school you would be contacted about it as it's known to affect the running of the class. It would also be raised at parents evening. So I am assuming the Dc are not arriving late for registration or in fact school. Your DD hasn't mentioned it either the one who hates being late. Interested as to why you are unable to speak to your wife and why your so passive about it. Turning up to a family meal two hours early and being pleased that you didn't blink an eye is a very odd approach. I hate being late and I don't stand around when my DH is fart arsing about , I tell him to get a move on or I am leaving with out him. Sounds like you and your wife have checked out of this marriage....

Was the family lunch her family or yours?

If yours, I would have had the kids in the car and left to arrive promptly, with it without her.

Anyone who spends an hour in their grooming on a school morning and is then late is incredibly self absorbed.

The underlying thing, and the important root of all this, is that you feel she does not care about the hard work you put into the family.

Would couples counselling help? A space in which to talk about how her behaviour makes you feel?

The lateness to school IS important, and I think that what you (rightly) observe about your DW not caring about your child’s embarrassment resonates with your own feelings about not being cared about.

I went to a strict public school and lateness was extremely frowned upon. If they can't get to school on time how will they manage in jobs once they are older. IMO it is arrogant to be consistently late you are disrupting the other students. I am suprised the school has not said anything.

At my DC's school, you're not classed as 'late' until after 9:10 I believe (not sure as never been later than that personally).
However, it sounds like it's not just at school that this is an issue??

I used to have a best friend like this. Her time was always ten times more important than everyone else's. She would set off at the time you were meant to meet. Sometimes even only beginning to get ready at that time. She wouldn't rush for ANYONE or ANYTHING!!! In 20 years of friendship I have never once seen her rush. Never.

Turned out in her case she was, as if always suspected, a narcissist (or had the traits at least).

I'm not calling your wife names, I'm simply saying that chronic, pathological lateness is often a type of person who believes they are superior to others

Yuor daughter maybe getting in trouble at school for this, the teacher maybe telling her its unnaceptable to be late all the time. I mean really there is no excuse for it, she should get up earlier. As someone else said I would change the clocks but you dont know how that will last, but you would have to make sure you changed the time on her watch and phone. Its a bugbear of mine being late for anything or someone being late.

I’ve only really read your posts op, so this might have all been said.

My dh ( And his whole family) is habitually late.
I’ve noticed that he doesn’t “ feel” time passing in the same way as I do, it’s always a surprise to him that sitting doing something for 10 minutes equates to 10 minutes of time passing ( I know I know, he’s really bright, I don’t get it either) .
So over the years we have set up external reminders, like alarms for when it’s 15 mins before leaving time etc. , Getting up 15 minutes earlier than he believes he needs to.

A big thing with him has been the slow painful learning of prioritising what is important to do before leaving the house, and what isn’t.
I am slap dash and cut corners, so I do things efficiently, as I want to get them over and done with. He is hugely patient and will invest lots of time in things that are important, but not urgent.
Over the years we have gradually let ourselves learn from each other’s opposite approaches, generally to good effect.

Would you wife get up earlier? Does she care that she’s late?
Does the school care? I hear that dd does, abs that ought to be motivation enough.

@VestaTilley
Why should he do all the prep when she has 30 child free hours per week?
Would you say this to a woman to help her lazy unemployed DH? would you hell!!

I can't believe how many people think that children being late for school is not an issue, it is a massive issue that affects not only them but the whole classroom! I agree with one pp that mentioned how double standard replies to this post are, if it was a woman saying the same things, the man would've been labelled as lazy, no good for nothing.

To the op, you need to have a sit down and let your wife know exactly what's bothering you and the children, this is unacceptable, and you are not her parent, you do not have the responsibility to baby a grown ass adult, she needs to start pulling her own weight in everything, specially for the children's sake, but also for your relationship sake too.

I would have hated that as a child.

But why were you 2 hours late at the weekend? Were you and the kids ready and sat by the door waiting for 2 hours, or were you late as well?

I completely understand this, OP. We used to get lifts to school with a friend who was always so late, she used to pick us up as the bell would be ringing, or even later. Of course I was grateful for the lifts, I shared her petrol costs and she lived only a few houses away from us and had to pass on her way to school so she wasn't going out of her way for us. We were ready on the pavement just to get in as she passed. My DDs hate being late and get self conscious walking into a class full of kids staring. I agree with you that it IS an issue, even a few minutes. School starts at a set time for a reason, and making sure they're on time sets up good habits for when they're grown up and working. Our head did speak to my friend because she said they were missing out on important things, I think they used to do phonics very first thing in reception. It's also disruptive to the class and it's really nothing that can't be solved by getting out of bed 10 minutes earlier. I know that the getting dressed process has to be started by 8 at the latest and that slow eating means breakfast has to be started by 7.15. I hope you get it sorted out.

I am not really sure how fixable this is. I have been on MN for years now and have seen dozens of threads about why people are so persistently late. The people who post replies confessing to habitual bad time keeping generally fall into three camps: those that recognise that its shit and try to figure our ways around it, those who know they do it but wring their hands and say “I can’t help it” and do naff all about it and those who don't give a stuff. From what you say, I think your wife falls into the last category. I don’t know what to say, really but I do sympathise - it would make me incandescent as I am one of those who estimates time well and builds in ‘head room’ in case of something like a book bag going missing, traffic etc etc. It’s really not rocket science and if you know that you always underestimate, surely you can address that?

How far is the walk to school? Only a few more years and they can take themselves. Or I like the suggestion that a pp made of subtlety changing the clocks to 10 mins earlier.