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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting kids to school on time

241 replies

MarkyTinTin · 07/01/2020 23:15

I’m a working dad but lucky enough to work from home 2 days a week so I can take my two dds to school those days. I always get them to school ASAP after it opens - my older d hates being late

Wife does not work but gets the dds to school late every day she has to take the. Not hugely late but always a couple of minutes. I can’t do anything about it and she is habitually late for everything. it’s having an impact on kids and our marriage as I think totally unacceptable. Have tried talking about it and playing the “be on time for the sake of our d” card but nothing changes - this has been 2 years now and at my wits end / stuck for solutions. We have no traffic issues and it’s just down to her leaving 10 mins earlier each day. Am I being unreasonable expecting our children to be delivered on time to school and can anyone advise on alternative strategies to change this behaviour (assuming unacceptable?).

I would give up my job to get them to school on time, but dw is not looking for work so we would lose everything. I can’t stand it any more - grateful for some ideas / alternative strategies please! Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/01/2020 07:25

If my partner was shaping up to be 2 hours late for lunch I would have gone without them.

SmellMySmellbow · 08/01/2020 07:32

YANBU. It's crap and it's selfish to be consitently late. Our school starts at 8.45 and gates close at 9 but they are careful to ppint out rhat kids are to be there ay 8.45. It's not a 15 minute arrival window. Those 15 mins are for the kids to get settled before registration and parents leaving. I would be mortified if I was consistently late. And if you have mentioned before that it's important to you and the kids then she is just unapologetically disregarding your feelings.

ChristaMSieland · 08/01/2020 07:37

Sounds like maybe an executive function issue. Maybe dyspraxia? Worth considering anyway.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/01/2020 07:38

If this thread were the other way around and the wife's stay at home husband was habitually dropping the dc off late at school there would rightly be rage at him.

MN is a contradiction at times.

lunar1 · 08/01/2020 07:40

I can abide constantly late people, I certainly couldn't stay in a marriage like yours, does she ever think of others?

73Sunglasslover · 08/01/2020 07:41

I can't make sense of which lateness you're talking.
a) register has closed, have to go through school office, officially late and now getting letters from the school/ council which may be threatening to fine you

b) officially on time but later than you get the kids in.

There is a world of difference between the two. For context, my OH and I share childcare. He gets them to school at b). I don't say anything as I don't think that he has to do things my way. He will leave earlier if the kids are ready and some of what goes on is helping them realise that if they faff they will be cutting it fine when they get to school. Interestingly, my DD has taken herself to school every day since starting year 7 and has never been late, so that might have been an important lesson in life.

My OH was proper late (a) twice and I was cross about that - which he understood.

maddiemookins16mum · 08/01/2020 07:44

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz. Has hit the nail on the head.

Equanimitas · 08/01/2020 07:51

I'm like this, I'm habitually late. I just don't think being on time is important.

But wouldn't you think it important when it disrupts the education of 29 other children and bothers your child?

lowlandLucky · 08/01/2020 07:52

It is downright bloody rude to be late and even worse making your child go into the class late every day, every child in that class has their day interrupted because a grown adult is more interested in putting her make up on. Parents were only ever late once in dropping off or collecting their child to or from my classroom.

paranoidmum2 · 08/01/2020 07:53

@PixiePowered

It's like these that highlight the double standards on MN, by a few posters.

If a woman posted that she done the school run 2 days a week, working from home to do so, and that her husband was always late to school because they pisses about in the morning (and was also a SAHP with no desire to work) they'd be told they have a DH problem, he's a lazy so-and-so, cock lodger etc.
A man posts the same about a woman and the excuses come flooding in - you're fixating, it's not that big a deal, buy her a watch and so on

Agreed. 💯

IamTheAntiChrist · 08/01/2020 07:56

Being perpetually late for everything is either a disease or a sign of huge arrogance and entitlement. A friend of mine was always, always late for everything...long story but in the end I was sitting in a coffee shop waiting for her yet again and after 20 minutes and the usual text saying "sorry, running late, be there soon", i just got up and walked out. Never again.
To the posters who claim it isn't a big deal - being late all the time sends the clear signal that you don't give a shit.

Jammysod · 08/01/2020 07:58

YANBU... If she has nothing to else to do but get the kids to school on time then there is no excuse. Just get up & leave earlier.
It's rude and sets a bad example to your kids.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 08:00

Is the only thing keeping you in the marriage a worry over custody share?
You could play the long game cut off her funds, inform her she is getting a job and after a few months the status quo would be more even and you could apply for more residency. If you have evidence from the school this could also help.

lola006 · 08/01/2020 08:02

I’m a SAHM to school aged kids and I couldn’t justify being perpetually late. If anyone wants to spend time getting ready in the morning (which, I have learned after 10 years of school runs...no one cares if you look catwalk ready or are coming from the gym!) then you wake up earlier.

I totally agree that if the sexes were changed here a lot of the replies would be different, but I’m also confused how it’s a huge problem if the school aren’t on to it yet. At ours if you’re late, say, 5 mornings in 2 weeks you’d have a phone call from the FLO. So are the DC scrapping past the gate/door at the last second so maybe last in but technically not missing anything, or are they missing the cut off and walking in as the other children are settled?

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 08:06

I'd find this maddening. My ds has finished primary school and in seven years, he wasn't late once, and I've had plenty of stressful mornings, illness, car breakdowns and another dc with sn.

Brefugee · 08/01/2020 08:08

Blimey.
Your long hours sound worrying - is there any way you can get home earlier (WFH in the evenings if possible? or WFH in the mornings so you can take the kids to school and go to the office later?)

Lateness like this is a personal failing. I'm going to assume SAHM? what takes an hour in the morning? Can she, for eg, focus on getting the kids to school then do her morning routine? (tbh - she's going to have to fix this herself, you need to focus on you and your children)

I would assume in your position that it hasn't gone unnoticed by the school. Have you had a parents' evening? Did you go? Did they bring it up?

Good luck - but i think it's probably out of your control. This kind of thing does have a negative effect on children though, and if DD1 is getting stressed it may make her incredibly stressed about this kind of thing for the rest of her life :(

As for 2 hours late. Nah, mate. Leave on time, with the children. Let her pootle in afterwards when everyone has eaten. TBH it doesn't sound as though you're compatible, unfortunately.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2020 08:12

What caused you to be 2 hours late?

MrsWombat · 08/01/2020 08:14

You've not said how late? If she's rushing the kids through the gate just as they are closing that's fine and you are being unreasonable.

If they are having to go through the school office then they are missing school and the EWO will catch up with you eventually as all those missing minutes will be recording somewhere. In that case YANBU.

Elmo230885 · 08/01/2020 08:15

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Would your wife think it was ok to always be 5-10 minutes late for work (should she start working), or accept every appointment she ever has being late just because people couldn't be bothered to be on time?
It also sets a poor example for the kids as they grow up.
As you can tell I hate lateness, it tends to affect everyone not just they late person.

MrsWombat · 08/01/2020 08:16

There are also two types of late. Proper late, and late before the registers closed late. If you are really bothered ask the school office for a record of their attendance and find out how serious it is.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/01/2020 08:16

It doesn't matter how late they are.

If I were 5-10 minutes late for work every day I'd be pulled up in my manager's office.

It's not acceptable. I'm a working single mum and I manage to get my DC to school on time. It's pure laziness.

silver1977 · 08/01/2020 08:18

Haven't read whole thread, but could she be depressed? Not feeling motivated by anything would explain not getting going in the mornings or feeling motivated to look for a job?

She is not being a very good role model to your dd's.

Bipbipbipbip · 08/01/2020 08:26

If the sexes were reversed this thread there would be a majority saying LTB.

She sounds like a nightmare - I hate lateness. From your update you seem to be struggling with the pressure that you're under, you need to speak with her about this and what can be done to make life easier for both of you.

MGC31 · 08/01/2020 08:27

People who are constantly late to everything are selfish people with little regard for other people’s time. It isn’t hard to be on time for things. Your wife is simply selfish and it appears that she doesn’t care one bit. Reading what you’ve written you are incompatible as a couple.

VestaTilley · 08/01/2020 08:29

You're not being unreasonable. Can you set an alarm for her that goes off 20 mins earlier in the morning? And set one for your DDs so they go in and get her up (awful that they should have to do this).

Set out breakfast things, PE kit, school bags and homework the night before, make lunches the night before and keep in fridge. Have everything by the front door so she just has to get up and leave the house with them. If she doesn't work she can eat breakfast when she gets home.