Getting kids to school on time

[MarkyTinTin]

I’m a working dad but lucky enough to work from home 2 days a week so I can take my two dds to school those days. I always get them to school ASAP after it opens - my older d hates being late

Wife does not work but gets the dds to school late every day she has to take the. Not hugely late but always a couple of minutes. I can’t do anything about it and she is habitually late for everything. it’s having an impact on kids and our marriage as I think totally unacceptable. Have tried talking about it and playing the “be on time for the sake of our d” card but nothing changes - this has been 2 years now and at my wits end / stuck for solutions. We have no traffic issues and it’s just down to her leaving 10 mins earlier each day. Am I being unreasonable expecting our children to be delivered on time to school and can anyone advise on alternative strategies to change this behaviour (assuming unacceptable?).

I would give up my job to get them to school on time, but dw is not looking for work so we would lose everything. I can’t stand it any more - grateful for some ideas / alternative strategies please! Thank you 🙏

You're not unreasonable. Children that are always late for school miss out on part of their education. In saying this, if what you have done isn't working it might not be a great idea as it's probably affecting her and making her feel worse about the situation. I'm assuming the school have had words with her about it as well given that you are dropping dd 2 days a week. If school haven't said anything maybe it's not as much of a problem as you think and it would be worth finding out what the school say. Have you asked your wife what she thinks? Does she see it as a problem? If she does realise her attitude is a problem, ask her to suggest a solution.

Alternatively, if she doesn't see it as a problem tell her she needs to find a job. One thing that knocks lateness out of people is having to be on time for work everyday.

I would say that being late every day is a problem. I worked in schools for many years and it was the same parents day in day out that couldn't get the kids to school on time. It really does matter as it is disruptive to the rest of the children and to the daily school routine.
Do all these people saying it is fine carry this attitude over to the workplace? This would not be tolerated at any of the places I have ever worked.

Put the clocks forward by 10 minutes. If going out, always give her a time 15 minutes before you have to be there.

Remove- I know I am terrible in the mornings due to being absolutely knackered from having a full time, high pressure job, two children and running a house. So yes- in theory just get up earlier sounds great, but in practice when you are physically burnt out it’s not as easy done!
However- reading above- I don’t think the big issue here really is lateness- it is the wife being generally lazy and inconsiderate full stop!

If you live that near then it may not be an issue for oldest dd for long..my kids started walking on their own in year 5. My ds2 loved being early do he could play football with his mates, he was thrilled when he could leave his dawdling younger sister behind! This wont be forever and really isnt an issue to end a marriage over. Are you over focused on this because you're actually anxious/stressed by work or other stuff? Is it symptomatic of other problems in your marriage? Are you trying to control this very minor issue because you feel other parts of your life are unmanageable?

If its a few minutes late and isn't causing an issue at school, then it's your bug bear.

Is she having to sign them in as late at the school office? If not she's not late, just not ontime either.

If she is having to sign them in, you could ask the school if this is having an impact.

Lateness can often be about control. They are needing to be in control (possibly because of anxiety) so they deliberately do not adhere to the expected time keeping.

Not sure if there is anything you can do about that though unless the person themselves recognises they have a problem.

Cross posted...you need marriage counselling, not help with being a couple of minutes late to school.

I really appreciate the messages and different viewpoints. Maybe I am too fixated on this - it is only a few mins but I do feel it’s letting the kids (5 and 7) down and I’m sure my 7 year old doesn’t like it. I can just about accept being late for everything else in life (we arrived for a Lunch with family 2 hours late at the weekend and I didn’t moan or bat an eyelid) but I find this so difficult as unfair only on them

I don't accept regular school lateness as a minor issue. School have spoken to dad about lateness and I can guarantee they will have spoken to the mum also. It also teaches the children that time keeping is not important. The DD is already feeling it. Lazy lazy parenting

It will be mentioned frequently in the school newsletter - HT are always having to remind parents that children arriving late to school is disruptive and unsettling for the children, etc, and yet you will always see the same parents strolling up to school after the bell. (Some may well have school's agreement to do this if the child has SEN and can cope better with entering school when it's a little quieter, but that isn't the norm.)

I do feel it's unfair on your dc if they dislike being late and get agitated about it, it's not something they can control. It's unfair to blame the children, who does this?! She is the adult and is responsible for the time everyone gets up and leaves the house.

Obviously we are all different with different strengths and weaknesses, but disorganisation causing lateness is really annoying. I have alarms set on my phone for Get dc up, Time to leave, etc. I can get distracted easily so have set some as a warning, like Dc must be dressed now. (This sort of thing is necessary as he is also easily distracted and can stand talking in the bathroom for ages instead of actually brushing his teeth, like I've asked him to a millionty times.)

Sure, we can all be late now and again, but it shouldn't be happening regularly, and it's awful to blame the kids for it. She should get up earlier if she needs more time, it isn't quantum physics...

I get from your posts that you're getting pissed off with her behaviour generally, not just this, so it might be time for a serious conversation.

Do they miss the bell, registration?

2 hours?! That's really not on. She doesn't respect you, and by continuing to be late even after you've mentioned it is a blatant 'fuck you'. I know someone like this, and it's like once they know it annoys you, they get a kick out of doing it more.

Are they late as in their class is already away in or late as in later than you take them when it's your turn?

FWIW it sounds like you have major issues going on and I'd probably seek help with those first:

Incidentally there's no chance I'd let someone make me be 2 hours late for a meal with family - I'd have gone myself with the dds otherwise you're just enabling her.

From what you have said, I doubt she will change.
Maybe you could tell her the school has ‘mentioned’ their lateness to you? A small white lie, but might get her moving a bit faster if she thinks the school have picked up on it?

You would hate me!

My husband is always at least 20mins early for everything. I am very skin-of-the-teeth where timing is concerned and quite often late.

It’s a combination of habit, not looking at the time, and the optimism of always thinking I have time to get one more thing done.

I asked to sign the ‘bad mummy book’ at school as we were late (again) and the head teacher popped her head around the door and said ‘it’s not the bad mummy book it’s the ‘flexible parenting book’’.

People often marry their opposite (who on earth would want to be with somone just like themselves??) but it can be difficult as you might well have one partner highly aware, precise, conformist, driven etc and the other the total opposite: creative, non conformist, easy-going who spends a lot of time in their own head.

I think I would only a) take notice, and b) not feel very defensive, if my husband pointed out gently that the children prefer to be early. If he wanted me to get them to school because, in his up tight way, he wants me to to things the way he does even when he is not there, I would resent it.

But before you try and alter the way your wife does her parenting, it is worth remenbering that no one is perfect. If you are too hard on her about this you might get a defensive rant about your shortcomings right back. The advantage of being with an opposite personality is that you have sight of each other’s blind spots. So you guys will never be disgracefully late for absolutely everything, as you have that covered. There will be things your wife does much better than you do, which helps your marriage and family life. Before you get too resentful about the time keeping, it is good to remind yourself of what they are.

Ps.... or you could cheekily offer to buy her a wildly expensive watch.

Do they walk or drive to school? If it is a walkable distance, could your DDs ride or scoot to school? This would make them quicker and DW would default to a quicker pace too to keep up!

Alternatively, you could change all the clocks in the house by 10 minutes so that they leave on time without realising it...

It's really really hard to remember to prioritise and do something, that you just don't think is worth doing. It's not impossible, but it's so unnatural.

I'm like this, I'm habitually late. I just don't think being on time is important. I mean, I can see it's sometimes necessary, and sometimes important, but generally, no. And on threads on here people always say there's 'no excuse' but I don't feel I need an excuse - just like I don't need an excuse not to wax my legs - I don't do it because I don't see the need. Not to prevent being just a few minutes late.

My husband prefers being on time to things. I don't not care about him or his feelings, but it's as difficult for me to remember his point of view and try to accommodate it as it is for him to see mine.

Oh I see you have been two hours late. Tbh as a seat-of-the-pants person even I would expect you to make a fuss about the two hours!

If they make the register I’d not sweat about the school run.

Persistent lateness is a problem and I'm surprised the school has not contacted you about it. I'm teacher and it's the same children every day who are late. The parents think it's OK because it's only 5 mins but actually it interrupts the lesson that has already started, disrupting the learning of all the other children. The late child has missed the first 5 mins of a lesson which is the most important part and it's so embarrassing for the child. Your wife needs to sort it out.

A few minutes isn't the end of the world. Though it beats me how anyone can spend an hour tarting themselves up in the morning - just to deliver kids to school! Hide the fake tan and the lashes?

How on EARTH were you 2h late????

2 hours late to a meal is just rude, she either has no respect for the hosts or is upset about something else.
Whatever's the case, you're really unhappy and you need a big conversation.

But two hours late for lunch is plain rude. I wouldn't have fed you. You should have taken the children and set out without her.

Hire a child minder to collect them early each morning.

YANBU. She is irresponsible and selfish.