Getting kids to school on time

[MarkyTinTin]

I’m a working dad but lucky enough to work from home 2 days a week so I can take my two dds to school those days. I always get them to school ASAP after it opens - my older d hates being late

Wife does not work but gets the dds to school late every day she has to take the. Not hugely late but always a couple of minutes. I can’t do anything about it and she is habitually late for everything. it’s having an impact on kids and our marriage as I think totally unacceptable. Have tried talking about it and playing the “be on time for the sake of our d” card but nothing changes - this has been 2 years now and at my wits end / stuck for solutions. We have no traffic issues and it’s just down to her leaving 10 mins earlier each day. Am I being unreasonable expecting our children to be delivered on time to school and can anyone advise on alternative strategies to change this behaviour (assuming unacceptable?).

I would give up my job to get them to school on time, but dw is not looking for work so we would lose everything. I can’t stand it any more - grateful for some ideas / alternative strategies please! Thank you 🙏

Why won't she get a job? Has she ever worked?

You are not being unreasonable. I had a friend like your DW and it drove me mad! She was always late whenever we met. It was one of the reasons I ended our friendship - I couldn’t imagine living with someone like that.

I don’t know what you can do about it though. It doesn’t sou d like she cares about your feelings or your childrens

It doesn’t sou d like she cares about your feelings or your childrens

Bit of a leap. You don't know how she's feeling or coping inside.

Before I add my 2 cents, I'll just preface I have OCD and for some reason a lot of my behaviours center around DDs upbringing (and I apologise if it sounds like I'm being awful In what I say)

As a SAHM her focus needs to be the children, getting them fed and dressed for school and out of the door ready to start the day with their peers.

She sounds like shes quite aware of the effect its having on the kids and you and is unwilling to change.

Many schools do mark children as having not attended if not there for registration and is sometimes looked upon as a sign of neglect.

It's really not on.

However I would question If shes ok in herself. I cant understand how she would know it's a concern of her childs and shes not striving to make things better. Only you can answer that one, but is she struggling?

A question - on the mornings you take them, who gets them ready? On the mornings she takes them, ditto?

Because if on the mornings you take them you operate as a tag team of two, and on the mornings she’s taking them she’s operating alone, that’s not the same thing at all.

Just a thought.

This is a reverse, right?

So she doesn't work. She can't really be classed as A SAHP to School aged children.
If I were you I would interview childminders. Find one who does school pick up and drop off. Sign them up and then tell her it's time to get a job. Because the free ride has ended.
If she were male she'd have been slated as a cocklodger by now.

And stop pandering to her for the love of god. Get you ready. Get the children ready and give a time that you will all be leaving the house. And at that time LEAVE!! If she's ready. Great. If not she can stay at home. Stop making other people suffer for her laziness. Especially your children.

@HopeItComesWithBatteries good point!
Also OP you come in from work every evening and do washing at 9? What kind of washing?

"She can't really be classed as A SAHP to School aged children"
Really?
Is this a thing?
You're only a SAHP if your children aren't in school? I never ever heard such a thing

She isn't doing the very basics for her job to be in the home. So it's time she took on some of the financial responsibilities as The OP is no longer wanting to support her to SAH.
She can get a job. They can get a childminder who is actually competent and the children don't get screwed over.

IMHO you need to sit down together and discuss this without any blame or, 'well I can do it, why can't you'.

Find out why she is like this, it could b depression, it could be she thinks she is on time.

My carer and I have very different ideas on time, if I say I'm leaving at 10am I mean at 10am I am walking out the door, dressed, everything I need packed ... you get the idea.

His idea was that at 10am he would start putting on his coat, look for his keys etc.

I had to actually explain to him why I was upset.

Also how close is the school? Is there a walking bus?

Have you spoken to the teacher?

Be clearer about what you want to happen eg 5 minutes early for everything. If the kids are getting to school before the late register, some people would consider that "on time". (I do not but I know some do.) Bear in mind that it takes time to establish a new routine/habit. Agreeing to do everything 5 minutes early doesn't mean it will happen consistently at first but it is something that could be established within a month or so.

Also, check if there are any disadvantages to getting the kids to school early. I drop my high schooler off quite early because they can go indoors immediately. (They are happy to arrive super early; it's not a random decision!) But, I drop my primary schooler off about 5 minutes before the bell because they have to wait outdoors. It doesn't matter much in good weather but it's grim when it's rainy weather.

YANBU

“Just 5 minutes” late every day IS a problem. Your children are lucky you can get them there on time. 5 minutes late every day equates to 3 whole days of school missed over the academic year.
People who are habitually late are rude and selfish. All the crappy excuses like “I underestimate the time things take” actually shows remarkable self awareness. By knowing that about themselves and STILL being late means their lateness is actually just laziness and selfishness.

People are saying “fixated on this”??!??!?

Being late to school is a huge issue. It should be extremely rare if not nonexistent.

I’m half tempted to say divorce her, get custody, and use the support she pays you to hire someone to get the kids to school on time. But that is crazy, because it shouldn’t get to that point. She is being negligent and needs to make a change. It’s not a hard change to make.

From a practical perspective, I might start teaching the kids to be as independent as possible in the morning. Lay out a simple breakfast for them the night before, maybe have a milk jug small enough for them to pour themselves. Write them a getting ready schedule and have them follow it. Maybe she would be shamed into action if her kids are standing by the door ready to leave on time.

I'm like this, I'm habitually late. I just don't think being on time is important. I mean, I can see it's sometimes necessary, and sometimes important, but generally, no. And on threads on here people always say there's 'no excuse' but I don't feel I need an excuse - just like I don't need an excuse not to wax my legs - I don't do it because I don't see the need. Not to prevent being just a few minutes late.

I think this is one of the most staggeringly arrogant things I have ever read!!! I’m actually shocked but also grateful I don’t have anyone in my life with this kind of attitude. Just wow

Yanbu. My mum was always late to everything and it really upset me as a child as by default we were late too. She needs to sort it out.

There are all sorts of reasons for being constantly late -

• you assume you're the most important person so others will wait for you
• you think time expands to accommodate all the things
• you have severely limited executive functioning (ADD and ADHD), and literally couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.

Only you can find out what is behind this.

Most importantly, can she be somewhere on time if her life depends on it? Would she be on time to a parent's funeral? A job interview? Admission for surgery?

I think that's an important place to start.

If she faffs around in front of the mirror, and is late to absolutely everything, it's possible that going out causes her huge anxiety.

Even one meeting with a counsellor where she says, I need to figure out why I'm habitually late and can, they might be able to unlock it for you both.

My DH is autistic, and I have no ideas if this had anything to do with his expectation that the time/space continuation will expand to allow for his faffery, he seems to think so. I'm of the "can't organise a piss up in a brewery" variety, and both of us can manage if we put our minds to it, and use alarms, and plan carefully. I get the kids to school on time about 9/10. At the beginning it was 1/10.

Good luck OP.

It would drive me insane. I think it's slack. Getting your kids to school on time is a bigger priority than her make up and it instils the importance of being on time. School will be pissed off as they have to monitor this and respond to it. Set up a meeting with school so that they can explain this to her!

5 mins every day adds up
That start of the day is when teachers normally go through the timetable for what is happening so children feel settled or they do feedback work on previous learning which really helps children to be prepared for today’s learning
The start of the day definitely matters... I would be changing clocks 5 mins so that she wasn’t late!

Yanbu. Persistent lateness is terrifically rude. It's a sign of huge arrogance, the person being late sending a message that other people's time is less important that their own. Plus the not working is not on. 1h on personal care when kids are late every day.... wtf?

1. Stop giving her any money. She needs to go earn some.
2. Set every clock in the house 15m on.

If these don't work, with all the issues you have going on, I'm going to suggest a new acronym is relevant here: LTC.
(Leave the Cow).

I'd be annoyed too. All else being equal it's not that hard to look at the routine and shove it back fifteen minutes so they're not late. My 10 and 12 year old have never once been late. Some people, many very high achieving just have no sense of time.

Are they late for door opening or are they missing registration? Our school issues penalty fines for consistent lateness. What are her reasons for not getting a job?

There's not much you can do about the school run as you are not there, but for everything else I'd just start leaving with the children at the time you need to leave to not be late. If she's not ready, just leave her behind.

Some people are just always late to everything

Its just how some people are

Sounds like she is one of those people

Don't reckon ya can change it