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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 07/01/2020 20:47

Tell her you don’t want her to come and stay.

SpeedofaSloth · 07/01/2020 20:50

Stay with you, or stay with MIL?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2020 20:51

You can't control what other people do, so stop wasting your emotional energy being bitter about it. At least you have time to try and arrange help in other ways before the baby arrives.

breakingthebank · 07/01/2020 20:51

I don't understand why her visit means you won't get any help?

skippy67 · 07/01/2020 20:55

Between you and your DH, I'm sure you'll be fine. Like thousands of other couples.

Apolloanddaphne · 07/01/2020 20:58

She is not in the wrong for coming to visits during the school holidays just because you would prefer her not to. She has every right to be visiting then. You will work it out as most people do.

Nicknacky · 07/01/2020 21:00

I don’t see the problem. Do you expect her not to come and visit her family as you are due a baby?

CakeandCustard28 · 07/01/2020 21:01

Plenty of parents have done it before with no help, I’m sure you’ll manage. YABU.

Somevampsarehot · 07/01/2020 21:02

You SIL is visiting MIL when your baby is due, which means you won't get the help from MIL that she's just given SIL with her newborn twins. You might want to re-word it OP, I think it's going to confuse people.
I understand that you feel annoyed, but there isn't much you can do except get on with things.

Drum2018 · 07/01/2020 21:03

My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc

Why would you expect your inlaws to help? Won't your Dh be there? I've had c sections and Dh took a week or 2 off when I got home from hospital. After that I just got on with it. Just because your sil is visiting doesn't mean your inlaws cannot visit your house too. Unless your sil wants to stay in your house during her visit I don't see what the issue is. She's free to take her holidays when she wants.

iano · 07/01/2020 21:03

What kind of help do you need? Are you concerned about needing someone to watch your child whilst you're in labour? I'm sure they'll still do that.
You'll manage everything else I'm sure!

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 21:04

She has a valid reason for visiting when she is. I do think YABU.

Would you rather her inlaws don't meet their DC?

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:06

Why do you need help? Perfectly manageable, wont your husband get 2 weeks paternity leave at the start, then after that you can manage?

Sceptre86 · 07/01/2020 21:11

Same here, two c sections, second with a 15 month old toddler who wasn't walking at the time. My dh had two weeks paternity leave and another weeks holiday and I just got on with it. Prep as much as you can beforehand, for instance I batch cooked and froze meals. I did the laundry on set days not every day. I quickly got into a routine and stuck to it rigidly. Once I managed to get both kids napping in the afternoon at the same time things were easier.

Your parents in law will still probably help out if you ask. From your post it sounds like sil will be 'here's when she visits not abroad so I don't see why your in laws won't be able to help? Perhaps she wanted to visit around the baby's birth so she could see your lo? What about your own family, could they not help out?

Sceptre86 · 07/01/2020 21:13

You might actually appreciate not having someone hover over you whilst you adjust to becoming a family of 4!

ChocolateCoins19 · 07/01/2020 21:15

Apart from. Childcare during labour for 13m old. Surely your dh is help enough? Lots of people don't have help.
I hava 22m old who is a handful and a teen and due in 2 weeks.. But I wouldn't dream of asking for help for everyday stuff. That's why dh has 2 weeks off paternity

If your sil can only. Come now due to holidays then yabu

However I agree I wouldn't want anyone staying w just after birth.. That's bonding time for your little family

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:16

When you leave hospital after a c section you can usually get around perfectly well to look after a baby yourself. I never wanted any help from anyone, or needed it.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 21:17

Yes she’s visiting MIL. I understand that she should be able to visit I guess in her shoes I would have thought differently ie I’ve had so much help and I wouldn’t want to take that away from someone else.

My husbands brother was telling me recently how disappointed he was that his sister has had a three month visit whereas his parents only visited him for a week when his son was born. Things are never fair I suppose!

With our last baby MIL stayed for a week and it was so helpful as I had a difficult recovery. I guess this time we know what we are doing so DH and I will manage the newborn but I think I will need someone to look after my 13 month old. At the moment he needs constant attention but I guess that could change in a few months.

OP posts:
turnthebiglightoff · 07/01/2020 21:18

YABU. A lot. It's your kid, not your MIL's.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 07/01/2020 21:18

Why can't your husband take care of your 1st son?

ineedaholidaynow · 07/01/2020 21:19

How much help were you wanting? Where will your SIL be staying and for how long? How much time off can your DH have?

Welshmaenad · 07/01/2020 21:20

I didn't get any help post C section with a newborn and a disabled toddler.

Everyone is still alive.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 21:21

My experience of c section recovery wasn’t good. I had a catheter in for a while at home and I found moving around very difficult for several weeks. Also had a very difficult baby who screamed all the time when he was awake. I know people have great experiences but mine really wasn’t

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/01/2020 21:21

She isn’t taking it away from you, she is visiting in the summer.

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:22

"but I think I will need someone to look after my 13 month old"
Again, why? Most people can look after a baby and a 13 month old. Your husband can help too?
Your sil had twins, which is much more difficult than a baby and an older child, and perhaps the 3 months was more of taking chance to have a holiday with her as she lives abroad as they wont see her for a while after that. Honestly, I just dont get it, I never wanted or needed help from anyone and wouldnt want someone living with us, especially not my MIL!!!

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