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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 07/01/2020 21:54

Literally not one person thinks it’s ‘a walk in the park’, but women have babies every single day with no family support.

What about your parents? Will your older son be in nursery or another childcare setting that you can use?

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 21:56

Gosh the animosity towards in laws and disapproval about getting help from them here is quite something!

I have a great relationship with my in laws and I was so grateful that they stayed with me during that week. I don’t see them as my slaves. They asked to stay in order to help. My mother in law loves newborns and she has stayed with all of her children for varying periods of time each time her 7 grand children were born and all her daughter in laws have been very happy with it!

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:57

I realise this sounds unsympathetic, but you mention you were "lucky to be alive" etc and how that would affect you emotionally. I also was lucky to survive childbirth, as are thousands of women, but so many of us just have to find the strength to get on with it, because we have a newborn that depends on us and often other children. Do you need help with resilience op? Perhaps some sort of Counselling might help.

TrainspottingWelsh · 07/01/2020 21:58

Or anotherEmma it could be explained by the fact her daughter had twins abroad.

I don't favour either dc, but if one had a baby here and the other had newborn twins out of the uk I'd assume the latter needed my help for longer. And I'd be disgusted if the former resented that, let alone if they then had a selfish tantrum about the other wanting to visit their home country during their older dc's school holidays.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 07/01/2020 21:58

Wrong Op. getting help is absolutely fine.

But you're whole post is you being a CF

Commonwasher · 07/01/2020 21:59

I think the OP is getting a really hard time. She was hoping for some help after the birth of her second child, in a family where that is the norm. Surely we don’t now think it’s unreasonable to ask for help post birth? Maybe fewer women would struggle with the isolation and post-birth blues with someone to turn to (ie a woman who remembers what it’s like rather, than a husband, however well intentioned, who does not?)

It’s not entitled to ask for help if you think you will struggle. It’s not entitled to be disappointed if you have to motor on without and know it’s going to be hard.

FWIW I had no help either, with either of my babies csections as my sister had her baby at the same time as my first (and it was her second so she had more need of my mum) and my mum was terminally ill when my second was born. Yes, it was all fine, but some of it was very hard going even with hubby at home for 2 weeks.

Sometimes I really don’t get Mumsnet, this is supposed to be a formum by mums and for mums — where is the sisterhood in telling this woman she ‘entitled’ and calling her a ‘princess’ because she has asked for help?

It’s not a badge of honour to struggle alone. Just because some ‘get on with it’ (as many do) does not mean everyone can, or should.

All the best OP xxx

Ginger1982 · 07/01/2020 21:59

Where are your parents?

stevenage42 · 07/01/2020 22:00

Your sil has every right to visit her family during school holiday time. She might not have any other choice. A few suggestions-

Ask your own parents?
Plan in advance with your dh and be really organised?
Research VBACS?
Hire a doula/cleaner/cook/nanny???

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 22:00

It's nice that your mil has helped so much in the past but not nice that you are offended she now might not be able to.

yolofish · 07/01/2020 22:00

Right OP, this is what you need to do: get a grip, a stiff upper lip and never ever admit to any desire for any kind of help! (not really...)

Some of these posts are bloody horrible, directed towards a pregnant woman who had a horrible time last time around and will have a 13 month old and a newborn.

Give her a bloody break! Be constructive! And maybe even kind!

Xyzzzzz · 07/01/2020 22:01

@Jadefeather7 I think we are from the same culture. Yes it is common for in laws to help (and also own parents) when we have children, I understand why you feel upset but hopefully your DH will pull his weight.

I don’t have any in laws (deceased) so managed alone and with help from my parents and sister when DH (self employed) was at work during the initial newborn stage. My mum still helps and supports me.

Newtothis2017 · 07/01/2020 22:01

Get over yourself. Your toddler, your baby, your responsibility

daisypond · 07/01/2020 22:03

There is no animosity about in-laws on this thread. But it’s not normal to expect your in-laws, or your own parents, to help out for a considerable amount of time. A couple of days may be more typical if there’s parental help available and they want to.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:03

@TabbyMumz when you’re having seizures and being rushed to hospital in an ambulance it’s not about just getting on with it because you can barely take care of yourself let alone a newborn

OP posts:
fairybeagle · 07/01/2020 22:04

Genuinely shocked by the horrible responses on here!
So sorry OP.
As PP has said there is nothing 'entitled' or 'princess' about asking or hoping for hell. How unpleasant people can be.
I sense a lot of bitterness and jealousy from all these perfect mums who just 'got on with it' after their c sections and traumatic births.

Your mother in law sounds lovely, maybe you or DH could talk to her about your worries?
Good luck with it all and congratulations.
I am due my second with a c section and a 2 year old and really, really nervous too after a traumatic first birthxx

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 22:05

"and will have a 13 month old and a newborn."
Which is perfectly manageable???? With a husband too!!!

Nicknacky · 07/01/2020 22:06

I’m not perfect. But life doesn’t stop when you have a baby and you already have a child.

Ummusomebody · 07/01/2020 22:07

OP I understand where you're coming from. I also come from a culture where "an elder" usually your mother or MIL comes around to help after you've had your children.Although, I prefer to have my mum. SIL has had her MIL around for 4 births now stays between 2-3 months at a time because she does not live in the same country. Even though she says she isnt much help re: household stuffs, she still helps massively helping with older children who are not old enough to stay at home by themselves when she has appointments etc.
However, I don think you're a bit unreasonable to expect SIL not to come when it's the best time for her. put yourself in her shoes

SinkGirl · 07/01/2020 22:07

Why do people keep asking about her parents? I’m sure OP would have mentioned her parents if they were alive / in contact. My mum died before I got pregnant, it’s not uncommon - do people really not think about others having different circumstances to them?

OP, we had twins with no family help - I’m stunned your SIL got three months of help, that must have made things very easy on them! But many of us don’t have any family help and we all manage and you will too if that’s what happens.

I had an emcs (recovery didn’t go brilliantly as i ended up with cellulitis in my leg and was really unwell), both twins in nicu, then one at home and one very sick in hospital, then both at home, then I had to stay in hospital with one of them for two weeks...

The good thing is that you’re not outnumbered! Two babies, two parents - no problem. Your DH will have to step up and do as much as humanly possible for the older baby (not sure if you’re breastfeeding but even if so, he can do everything else!). If you’re really concerned, see if you can arrange a nursery place for the older baby, even if it’s just a couple of sessions a week it will give you some time. Yes, without family help you will both be exhausted and it’s even tougher if you’re unwell yourself but if that’s the case your DH will have to power through - mine ended up looking after one twin at home for the two weeks where I had no choice but to stay in hospital with the other, they were still tiny and he managed. We were both first time parents with no experience so we were thrown in at the deep end but we worked it out.

Try not to place so much importance on having them there - I’m sure they’ll still be there to help anyway!

Once you have a child in school you can only travel abroad during holidays so it’s not like it has been done deliberately.

Try not to panic, you’re both experienced parents and you can do it!

Nsky · 07/01/2020 22:07

Where are your parents are they not around to help?
Folk can do as they wish in their hols tho

Pumpkintopf · 07/01/2020 22:08

No animosity here towards in laws, my own were a great help but I didn't have the additional option of my own mum - can your parents not help out op?

yolofish · 07/01/2020 22:09

tabbymumz it may well be perfectly manageable, with a husband on side, of course.

OTH OP could really struggle, she's anxious about the future, I just don't understand the need for people to pile on to her with what a weakling she is. Its unecessarily cruel and unkind.

Mine are grown ups now, but I still remember being anxious about how to cope when the 2nd was born - and I was relatively lucky in that although DD1s birth was very traumatic DD2s was straightforward, and she was the dream baby.

Give poor bloody jadefeather a break, I think she just needs some reassurance not being told how bloody feeble she is.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:09

My mother is a full time carer so she isn’t able to do as much. She is aware of my SIL visit and has has said she will try her best to visit us during the first week or so.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 22:09

"TabbyMumzwhen you’re having seizures and being rushed to hospital in an ambulance it’s not about just getting on with it because you can barely take care of yourself let alone a newborn"
You really didnt think I meant whilst you were having the seizures did you? I meant once you were home, well, and perfectly capable, and was referring to this time round. Just because you were ill last time doesnt mean you wont cope this time.
I was near death too during birth, but once well, I coped fine.

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/01/2020 22:09

OP - several people have asked, can your own parents not help?

I understand you were looking forward to sone help from MIL. Has she said she won't be helping? Or are you assuming?

I don't think she's unreasonable to go for a longer period to her own daughter, when she had twins. And its really not Unreasonable for sil to be visitibg so her in laws can meet the babies!

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