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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 08/01/2020 16:44

When DH spoke to DMIL did she offer any help? Surely she won't need to be with DSIL at all times - she presumably has been managing on her own and will have her DH to help too. The DC will be with the in-laws at times too. How long is DSIL coming over for?

spongejack · 08/01/2020 16:47

@Jadefeather7 you were on a previous thread upset that your mother had not helped out "as she had promised". You seem annoyed with everyone that can't do as much as you want them to. Can you imagine how single mothers cope, some of them have no family help, nor partner.

The playing in the garden is to ensure the children are not disruptive in another persons home, I'm sure they can play on the garden at home. They'd be easier entertained whilst they're staying with MIL in the summer.

You do seem very entitled and feel that your mother and MIL should give up a lot of time for you and your children.

But you're not really listening.

damnthatanxiety · 08/01/2020 16:56

DH could share his disappointment with his DP I guess but beyond this, it is not really anyone doing anything 'bad'. Just unfortunate for you.

spongejack · 08/01/2020 17:04

@Jadefeather7 also my point was that if MIL was going a long haul distance then she'd be bound to stay longer than a short haul. It may not have been because SIL wanted it?

I wonder if on MN somewhere SIL is saying I've planned to go visit my family for the summer and my SIL has only gone and announced she's going to be giving birth around then. This means my DM will be distracted and not be able to do all the things I'd got planned. My SIL has also had the cheek to suggest I move my holiday to Christmas! Because entertaining twins aged 2 is really easy in someone else's home and you can't get them out in the cold and rain.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 17:25

We announced the pregnancy in early November, my SIL plan was only mentioned last week. No tickets have been booked. I’ve not asked her to not come and I won’t do that either.
I just think in her shoes I would think differently, especially as when her mother was ill I was the one who took time off work because my husband was abroad for work and all the other siblings live in other countries. I could have said that her daughter should come and do it, it’s not my job, but I didn’t. If anyone stepped into my shoes to take care of my parents I know I would be very conscious of it.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 08/01/2020 17:30

@JadeFeather7 you are still being unreasonable. Her loyalty isn't to you and you dh. It's to her immediate family her 3 children and her husband. Did you take in consideration of her needs and plans before having another baby? No? Then you can't be upset that she didn't with you. I'm sure her in laws don't give a flip on whether or not you are having a baby. They want to meet their grandchildren. Asking them to wait fa year for you own selfish needs is being very unreasonable

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 17:42

Yeah maybe but there are women on here who claim to be perfectly mobile and able to handle everything immediately after a c section

I don't think anyone is saying any such thing. Immediately after a section you must wait for the epidural to completely wear off. This can take 24 hours. No woman walked out of theatre after the section. And nobody is claiming they did.

You will also be kept in hospital for a few days until you are deemed fit to be discharged. Once you are discharged you should be OK for normal, light movement, carrying the baby, walking around etc.

When are you due? And when is your SIL planning to be here? I honestly do think you are making a very large mountain out of a very very small molehill.

You are one member of a very extended family by the sounds of it. Life cannot be put on hold because you are having a baby.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 17:44

Your SIL owes you nothing.
You cared for your MIL not her. That didn't benefit her at all. Of course she couldn't help. She's abroad.

And if your DH can't care for a newborn and your current child simultaneously then this was not the age gap for you. That again is not her fault. She had other stuff to consider.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 17:45

as when her mother was ill I was the one who took time off work because my husband was abroad for work and all the other siblings live in other countries

How ill was she that you needed take time off work, and if she was that ill should you all be putting such demands on her time?

stevenage42 · 08/01/2020 17:45

I don't think you get it. It's not a tit for tat who looked after who. Sort your own childcare out and let your sil visit her mum whenever she wants

ineedaholidaynow · 08/01/2020 17:48

So have the SIL's inlaws not yet seen the twins? You want them to wait until Xmas to see them?

Why should your SIL plan her holiday around your baby, it's not as you even planned the baby! If the SIL is seeing her DH's parents surely your MIL won't be that involved as I am sure her DH's parents won't want her muscling in all the time. Yes she will want to see her grandchildren but not all the time, and it appears that she is more involved with the new baby stage than at any other time.

Josette77 · 08/01/2020 18:02

Your mil has health problems and everyone is still expecting so much from her?

Either way, still not getting why your DH can't help. It does not take 3 adults to care for a baby and a toddler.

Pumpkintopf · 08/01/2020 18:10

Honestly, I think you'll be fine with you and your DH, unless you have complications like last time and might need to engage a doula or 'mothers help' like you were asking about on your other thread.

YummyChipCurryDip · 08/01/2020 18:11

My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc
The help you will need in general or specifically from them?
I might be wrong but I think the vast majority of people manage a baby and a toddler without outside help.(I had c sections too)
I think it's a bit cheeky to be telling them what you'll need from them.

YummyChipCurryDip · 08/01/2020 18:31

I think people who think it’s a walk in the park to have major surgery, look after a newborn and a toddler are a bit delusional!

Most of us who've commented have actually done it, I certainly have. Whilst it's obviously not the easiest of times it's perfectly do-able, as evidenced here. I think it's pretty unusual to have relatives live in to help. My DH had two weeks off by which time I could just about manage to handle my eldest without actually picking her up. We did a lot of floor living!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 18:41

OP, YummyChipCurryDip makes an excellent point. I would say 98-99% of people posting here are mothers. Mothers of multiple children. Some of us have had sections. Some of us had children on a time where paternity leave wasn't a thing. Some of us had our own mother pop in for an hour or two a day. Some of us had no body pop in. Everyone of us managed. Because there is no option.

You are not the first woman in the world to have children close in age. You are not the first woman in the world to have a section, or 2 sections. I'm not claiming to be super woman. When my children were small there were days I didn't get dressed. Brushing my teeth and hair on the same day only happened if I was leaving the house! My house wasn't pristine. Ironing never happened. But my children were fed, clean, dry and warm. THAT'S what needed to be done, and that's what was done.

It is perfectly doable as evidenced here, as YummyChipCurryDip says. Nobody here is amazing. Nobody here is a supeemum. Nobody here is better than you. So if others manage to muddle through. You will muddle through.

You cannot expect 2 families - your in-laws and their in-laws to put all plans on hold just because you are having a baby.

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 18:46

Usually posters are moaning about how they don't want their MILs coming to stay post partum!

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 18:47

Usually posters are moaning about how they don't want their MILs coming to stay post partum!

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 18:57

Oops! Also, your MIL has helped her daughter, can't your mum help you? To be honest, I would have hated having someone in my house for weeks on end after giving birth, but that's me.

Lipperfromchipper · 08/01/2020 19:03

Yes she’s visiting MIL. I understand that she should be able to visit I guess in her shoes I would have thought differently ie I’ve had so much help and I wouldn’t want to take that away from someone else.

OP You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT. Expect someone to think the way you do Confused
Those kinds of expectations lead to resentments...which is what you are feeling!
I can’t see the problem personally...how much help do you want?? What is it exactly you want/expect your MIL to do?? Two parents, a toddler and a newborn is not abnormal...you will cope as others do. Start making extra dinners and freezing them closer to the time. Etc...

YummyChipCurryDip · 08/01/2020 19:05

Is the MIL supposed to make herself to every child, for every child. Where does she get her own life in this
My thoughts entirely, I'm feeling exhausted on her behalf.

Lipperfromchipper · 08/01/2020 19:06

I could have said that her daughter should come and do it, it’s not my job, but I didn’t

Don’t be a martyr OP, if you feel that way you shouldn’t have done it!!

Janice88 · 08/01/2020 19:07

Op, your MIL went to help HER DAUGHTER recover from childbirth. She’d have helped your DH if he was the one giving birth. I think YABU by expecting her to treat you equal with her kids. That will never happen. Why don’t you ask your mum to help. I’m sorry if she can’t help you, but that doesn’t mean your MIL or SIL are unreasonable!

Lipperfromchipper · 08/01/2020 19:15

The fact of the matter is OP your SIL trumps you I’m afraid...🤷‍♀️ She always will...

MissEliza · 08/01/2020 19:18

Op you seem to have convinced yourself you can't cope which is just ridiculous. You have no idea how you feel or how your baby will behave. When I had my first c section, it hit me for six. I bounced back much more quickly after my second, despite there being more complications. My third c section was almost like a walk in the park and even though my dd was very clingy initially, I managed just fine while dh was busy looking after the older two.