SIL visiting when baby is due

[Jadefeather7]

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

No chance of any help from your parents Op?

Sorry op you are being unreasonable, she has a valid reason for visiting when she is. Can your DH not help you rather than your in laws? I would never imagine my mil staying with me for months to look after my children.

My first experience was the exact same, I slept on the sofa for 3 months because walking up the stairs was to painful. However I still didn’t get any help with the second and having another c-section it’s unreasonable to expect your SIL not to visit just because you didn’t have a great experience the first time.
You choose to have another child, you can’t expect everyone to drop what they’re doing especially if they don’t see your SIL very often. Sorry to be blunt.

Interesting that your brother was complaining that his mum only stayed a week after their baby was born. I can imagine the AIBU from the DIL if her MIL came to stay for 3 months!

Are you from a culture where grandmothers normally come and stay to help? We had no help from our parents when DS was born, DH and I just muddled through, in fact I would have hated someone staying watching our complete ineptitude!

I’m disheartened that this woman’s family are bitching about her parents coming for an extended visit. The family in this country presumably see their parents more often than she does throughout the year.

YABVU your in laws aren't "the help". How do you think people manage otherwise?! You have a husband, he will be enough help. This is such an entitled post.

Most people find it difficult moving around after a c section, but just do their best and get on with it, and your husband is there, surely he will help. Are you expecting to be lain in bed and have people doing stuff for you?

Can your own parents come or is that not possible?

Can't your husband take paternity leave and take care of the toddler and the house so you can focus on the baby and yourself?

None of the luxury of a disorganised few weeks and MIL doing everything when the second baby comes along OP. Listen to others on this thread. Batch cook in advance, meal plan, ensure the kitchen cupboards are full and get on with it like the rest of us. Some OPs really make me laugh with how far they are removed from reality

I am sorry but you sound very entitled.

I am bemused why you think you are entitled to help from your MIL. You have a husband which is more than many and if you want more help you can always pay for it

Yes in my culture it’s common for mother in laws to help for a few months. I’m not expecting her to help for months! I would have found it helpful if she stayed a week/10 days like last time. At that point I became slightly more mobile and things became more manageable.

I think people who think it’s a walk in the park to have major surgery, look after a newborn and a toddler are a bit delusional! I’m sure we will survive but it would be a lot easier with a bit of extra help in the first few days.

YABU. You'll need to make your own arrangements. Your DH needs to step up. Do as much prep beforehand as you can.

I think some people are more resilient and get on and make do than others. When I had my c section I was put in a room with another lady who'd had hers 2 days before. She hadnt got out of bed yet, whereas I was up and about going to the loo and getting my breakfast by the next day. I was in pain, but knew I couldnt just stay in bed. That night her baby was sick, vomiting everywhere. She just laid there and rang the bell. I was up like a shot, getting across the room and holding her baby up whilst it was sick again. She never moved. The next day, 2 nurses literally ad to frog march her to the shower.

How ridiculous, yabvvvvu.
Also if you're worried about recovery can you not try for a vbac?

Can't your DH take 2-3 weeks paternity leave? By that point you should be able to manage.

Leaving the inlaw dynamics aside, you sound very precious. Your first delivery and recovery wasn't a life or death or particularly difficult situation to be in tbh. OK, it wasn't perfect but you sound almost proud to be so needy.
Thousands of us I imagine have had catheters post birth. I am abroad and apart from dp had nobody. Stitches (infected) and a pram to lug up 3 flights of steps. Dp out from 6-8 6 days a week.
We lived.

My heart bleeds. They are your children OP. How did you think lone parents cope? Just get on with it.

Sorry I've think I missed it. Where are your parents?

@Jadefeather7 you do realise you're posting on a forum where women have had all kinds of births ranging from textbook to seriously traumatic and have still had to crack on..? Sorry but what a princess.

god people, give the OP a break! She's anxious about how she's going to cope, telling her that you all climbed Mt Everest a day after a c section with triplets and then you ran a marathon is not going to help!

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. Is there anyone else who can give you a hand, could you afford a mother's help for a few weeks after the birth (and ideally before to get your 13 month old used to the idea)?

You will be fine, but no harm in trying to plan some extra help, why wouldnt you!

Is your mother expected to help in your culture, or is it just your mother in law?

Op Yan a bit I expecting your in laws to work everything around you. BUT I do sympathise, it sounds like you had an awful time the first time round and you're imagining how you'll manage with a very young toddler thrown into the mix.

But you'll get no sympathy on here, just loads of mummy martyrs who got straight off the operating table after c section, straight back to their full time job while juggling 6 children as a single mum and breast feeding twins incredulous that you're worried about how you'll manage. It's not a bloody game of top trumps, can't some of you be a bit kinder?

There is some good advice about preparing as much as you can in advance. But I do feel for you, I had a 20 month gap and dh had 2 weeks paternity leave followed by my parents staying for 2 weeks then dh had 2 weeks holiday. It's not just the physical recovery but also the psychological one and I struggled there and genuinely don't know how I would have managed on my own. Of course if that was my only choice I'd have got on with it but it would have been a much more stressful time. Maybe see if your dh can have a bit more time off, and ask your mil if there is anyway she can commit to some fixed time to be there with you in case you're struggling. If she says no you'll have to take it on the chin but there is no harm in asking.

Are you Italian by any chance? You sound like all the women in dp's family. Everyone treats pregnancy and birth like a major disease and then is waited on for at least 6 months by every other female in the family.

Who said MIL won’t still come & stay/help?