SIL visiting when baby is due

[Jadefeather7]

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

My 2 youngest are 14 months apart - I acquired a double buggy and basically took them both everywhere in it. I’m sure you will manage much better than you think

Your sister in law and her children won't have to be with your in laws 24/7, I'm sure they will help you when the baby comes, just not every day. Your older child will get to meet his cousins too.

The in laws stayed for three months with their daughter because she lives overseas, people often do extended visits to family abroad.

You also say that her husband is eager for his parents to meet his children so that will be a day or two when he is out of the way and your in laws can come over to you. SIL doesn't sound very nice not wanting to see her husband's parents, 'not liking them'; if they were that bad he wouldn't to see them. However that's another story.

I hope it all works out, good luck and try not to worry in advance, it'll spoil your pregnancy. I'm hoping your husband will be taking some leave when your baby comes in which case you won't be alone. Your second c-section may be easier than the first - I hope so.

@Yolofish I’m not sure what a midwife could really do? When I was really struggling with my first baby because he screamed all day my health visitor and GP just kept asking - Can’t your mum help? Can’t your friends help? Can’t you leave him with your neighbour for a bit? No, Ok here’s a prescription for some pills maybe they will help you. In the end once we figured out what was wrong things got much better.
I don’t think I need medication. I think it’s sad that we live in a world where having some help when you need it is seen to be such a bad thing. I think it was fairly common in the past for women to get a fair bit of support from family (at least that’s how it was and still is in the culture I am from). It works the other way too. When our family elders need us we make sure we are there for them. I have visited my father in law in hospital every evening for two weeks after he had a surgery and took several days off after my mother in law had a cataract surgery. I’m sure there will be people here who think that’s crazy but for me it isn’t.

Again. Having the help is not the issue. Your attitude to your SILs visit is.

Get over yourself yolo.

It might suit your narrative to pretend those that get on with it are all faux superwomen, so you can normalise a lack of resilience. But in the real world, getting on with it is just the norm, not a superhero power.

She can help you both can’t she?

I think it was fairly common in the past for women to get a fair bit of support from family

Those days when woman didn’t have maternity leave or washing machines and coal fires? No takeaways or hot water?

I also think it’s your expectation of help that’s the issue. You chose the have two children, they are your responsibility and no one else.

In the real world some women have twins and manage without their mothers visiting for three months! That doesn’t mean my SIL lacks resilience. And no my MIL didn’t go there for a three month holiday. It was pretty inconvenient because my FIL had to be sent to another country for 3 months to stay with his other daughter because my SIL said he would get in the way if he stayed with her and he gets anxious if he’s at home alone.

You have a husband - just get on with it. You have no right to expect help from elsewhere.

Your husband needs to do more.

I'm not going to RTFT OP because you're being silly! All helping together, lots of babies and tired moms leaning on each other for comfort and advice - sounds great to me.
My parents helped out loads with my son as I carried their GC and I'm their daughter.... different when they're your in-laws, so they feel obliged to be more involved with your SIL for 3 months as she's their daughter....
You need to chill out and enjoy it.

@GreenTulips My mother in law had her own mother in law stay with her for 6 months in the early 80s. She had a washing machine, hot water and electricity!

My Nan was born in 1917 - things were different and they managed.

You have it easy compared to these woman who worked unbelievably hard to raise their children.

So many of these replies are shockingly unfair.
I had two csections in quick succession, the first was a horrific recovery as everyone recovered differently, I could barely stand for days due to a huge blood loss and was told not to set foot out of bed without a nurse present, I wasnt even allowed to pick my own baby up out of her cot for almost a week.
Second one was so much easier, the blood loss being significantly less helped.
My DH was back to work in a week after DS was born and I struggled but my DM and DS were amazing and came through the day to help and Dh was there at night so we managed and it quickly got easier.
I know alot of women have to cope without help and support and think that's a huge shame, just because you can doesn't mean you should have to and your worries are totally normal.
Your MIL sounds lovely though and I'm sure she will come and help you if you really need it even if she cant stay over.

Sorry OP but I had a csection when I had my twins. Because they were premature, my husbands paternity leave ran out while we were still in hospital. So when we were allowed to go home, I had to just get on with it by myself. Oh and I had a two year old too.

The world doesn’t stop when someone has a baby. People manage generally to juggle tasks to manage mostly themselves. That’s what parenting is. Nice to get a bit of help, but it’s not a given.

Yabvu

Why all the focus on mil's?

This woman seems to be pulled every way and people jealous looking for their share. MIL herself isn't superwoman. Yet all the parents in the family expect her to be on tap, and then are complaining that she isn't doing as much for them as she has for someone else.

Can she not just enjoy being a grandmother to her grandchildren rather than all the adults whinging that she's not giving them as much help as they feel she should.

She's a woman with a life of her own too. She's not just "MIL, who because of our culture stays and helps when a new baby is born".

How involved is the MIL when the babies are slightly older?

Thanks @youcancallmequeenE I think I will need to be less strict about TV! It’s not what I wanted as I’ve seen how addicted DH nephews and nieces are to their screens but needs must I suppose!

Goodness me you say you only e or red her to cone for a week and now your saying you'll have to rethink all your upbringing decisions because she can't!

Honestly the drop feeding on this post is ridiculous. I'm sure she'll help as she sounds wonderful if you need to be readmitted as that's an emergency, she's just letting you know she can't be there full time. So DH maybe needs to take paternity leave and then holiday if you can't manage on your own.

I really don't understand where your husband will be in all of this?
People who have commented are not delusional, they are simply stating they just got on with it and with the help and support of their husband.
It sounds very backwards to me that you expect your mil to come and stay for a long period of time to do the woman's work.

OP "a bit of support" is someone maybe dropping off some food, popping in for an hour every couple of days to have a cuddle with the newborn and let you have a shower etc. A bit of support is not someone living with you for 10 days to 2 weeks. That's a full time carer / nurse / nanny. Get a night nanny or a private midwife if you need the domestic help and don't begrudge you're SIL the time with her mum!!

I don’t think anyone is saying having support from family or friends is a bad thing OP. It’s great if you have it. But that doesn’t mean the world revolves around you. What you are saying is basically that you don’t want SIL to come visit when she does and that you would not have planned it that way yourself. But SIL is planning around her older child’s vacation time which is perfectly reasonable. It is also perfectly reasonable she wants to visit and introduce her new twins to family. So on that front YABU. The second issue you seem to have is that you disapprove of your MIL spending 3 months at SILs - while at the same time saying you don’t expect her to stay a few months at yours. It is frankly no skin of your back and none of your business. It’s between MIL FIL and SIL. They like the arrangement, they can crack on with it. And if they don’t, they are all grownups who don’t need you to voice this for them. So on that front YABU. The only real issue is that you are scared of how much help you might need after birth - but have you actually asked for any? You said MIL offered to take your toddler and may be able to come for a week? Is that not good enough? Why not just talk to her instead of making this about SIL? Of course it would be nice to have some extra hands the first week (although as many said you should be able to manage with two adults). But you have no right to MIL’s time. She seems extremely giving and as she hasn’t told you she won’t be helping - you yourself state you don’t want her for a few months, so exactly what is it that she is doing wrong?

There seems to be a lot of focus on how MIL shouldn’t be staying/shouldn’t be expected to help. I think this comes down to a big cultural difference. I know it’s not the norm here to do this sort of thing, but in my culture it would be strange if in the early days a mother or mother in law wasn’t staying for a bit. That’s just how it is. I know some people will be critical of it, but I think it’s wonderful to have a strong family support system and it works both ways with children offering similar levels of support to parents and in laws when they need it. I don’t think any of us have ever asked my MIL to come and help, she’s always offered it herself and always does it very happily.

The question was really whether my SIL could have (taking the above into account) been a bit more considerate, to which the answer seems to be no.
Obviously she should be able to visit. I felt though that she could come over in the Christmas holidays (that’s when they have come every year for the past 5 years). It’s not like she won’t have seen her parents for ages (my MIL is looking to go back in the spring again for a couple of weeks). That’s how I would have thought about about it but the consensus seems to be that you shouldn’t care about other people when making your own plans and that everyone should just manage on their own.

But your MIL is visiting her daughter. You have your own mother to call on. I understand why you feel aggrieved but it's with the wrong person.

If it's usual in your culture to have help, your own mother might need to rearrange her caring duties for a short while to care for you.