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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:

ALemonyPea · 07/01/2020 22:11

Was your first section an emergency one?

I've had three sections, first was emergency and took a while to recover, the other two were elective and a lot easier on my body and recovery.

WillowintheUK · 07/01/2020 22:14

I've had four children. The two youngest were born when my husband was working away from home. What I did was arrange help while I spent the time in hospital giving birth, then I came home, and, believe it or not, I actually took care of my own children.

Don't be so wet - there's two of you to look after a toddler and a newborn, you don't need any more help,

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 07/01/2020 22:15

My husbands brother was telling me recently how disappointed he was that his sister has had a three month visit whereas his parents only visited him for a week when his son was born
So everybody resents the SIL for all the help she received and are jealous. Do you realize she was looking after two newborns? Quite a different game than looking after just one with an older child. You know how they scream the house down when they are hungry every 3h? Well imagine two babies doing this and you can’t feed them at the same time, what do you do? Honestly the extra pair of arms is not a luxury in this situation. How sad that you and her family can’t see past the «it’s not fair» aspect

londonrach · 07/01/2020 22:18

Of course op you know yabu however can see you nervous about the unknow of newborn, toddler and surgery. Can you have a vbac? Most people on here are mums who done exactually what you worried about without support or support from their other halfs. your sil is not being unreasonable to visit during school holidays. When the time comes just being a family of four night help you bond and work together as a little family.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 22:21

I think reading your update the reason you are so worried and lack confidence is because you had a very difficult time last birth. It does seem odd that you chose such a small age gap if you almost died. But I expect this is why you are so anxious.

However, it is most likely things will be fine this time round and you will find things much easier. I had a very difficult time with my first but so much easier with my second. It might be worth putting a plan in place if you do need extra help this time just to put your mind at rest. How about looking at getting a doula or mothers help?

Drum2018 · 07/01/2020 22:23

Have you any reason to think you will be ill this time? Is your previous type of seizure likely to happen again? If so then have your inlaws on standby for if that happens. Otherwise you could be absolutely fine afterwards and should be able to manage with dhs help.

GreenTulips · 07/01/2020 22:25

3 months! That would’ve driven me insane with my own mother let alone MIL.

I had a toddler and then twins - I sent DH back to work after a week as I just wanted to get in with it.

I think you can do this, stop putting yourself down. Help will come if you really need it.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:25

I’m really hoping this time is different but I guess I only have my last experience to go on. It was difficult in terms of the recovery and the baby. My mother in law who has had 5 children and 7 grand children was shocked at how much my baby screamed.
I didn’t choose this age gap! I was on the pill and fell pregnant

OP posts:

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:28

The seizure and associated issues was something the doctors were baffled by and couldn’t explain so I have no idea if they will recur. It’s scary enough to deal with but when doctors just stare at you blankly and say sorry your symptoms are very odd and we have never seen anything like this before it’s even more worrying!

OP posts:

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 07/01/2020 22:29

Is it because your SIL is your MIL’s daughter and you are the daughter in law?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/01/2020 22:30

So, the twins' grandparents haven't met them yet, and you are disappointed that they are coming to visit during the summer, when your (unplanned) baby is due? Do people even know you're pregnant yet?

I take it your sister in law lives foreign. So parents are more likely to make an extended visit. What help do you envisage needing. Lots of women have children close in age (I had 3 under 3, middle child not walking when 3rd child was born). You will manage.

You are looking for your inlaws to help. You say it is tradition. Yet you seem to be annoyed that SIL is bringing her children to meet their inlaws.

You will have 2 small children. The world doesn't stop to accomdate you. If I had was visiting my home country and had the option of staying with my parents or with inlaws absolutely no question I would stay with my own family. Where I would be infinitely more comfortable and relaxed.

SIL's husband cannot and should not plan his holidays around your baby. That's simply ridiculous.

You're having a baby. Women do it all over the world every single day. Women with no family help. In foreign countries. With no partners. With children with disabilities and complex needs. Help is great if it is available. It's not such a great thing if it's expected, though.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/01/2020 22:32

YABVU.
It's nothing to do with your SIL and you sound very jealous of the attention she got.
It's fine to ask for help, and lovely you have a great relationship with MIL but just to expect someone to give up all day every day for weeks for you when you have a husband there is really not normal. Help is holding the baby so you can have a bath/nap, taking the toddler for a walk or making a meal, I'm sure she could still do that a couple of times for you but it seems that wouldn't be good enough for you, be lucky you have the support you do!

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:33

@IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord Possibly. My MIL did once say that she thought a one year age gap was harder than twins (she was basing this on having seen her sister have twins and her other daughter in law having a small age gap). I don’t think she underestimates how difficult having a small age gap is (maybe even overestimates it!). Anyway I don’t hold anything against her. I don’t expect months of help and I know she would spend the week with us if she could.

OP posts:

winterisstillcoming · 07/01/2020 22:34

I think you need some reassurance that everything will be ok. I can understand your anxiety from your previous experience but I think you should be able to rely on the strength of the relationship you have with your in laws. Maybe explain your (perfectly natural) apprehensions with them and I'm sure they will help you where they can. Remember that help will usually be given on their terms. Hopefully they will be able to juggle your SIL's visit with your family's needs, and your DH will smooth the process. Worse case scenario, pack the elder one off to the grandparents for lots of adventures with their visiting cousins, and let DH take care of you and the little one.

Commonwasher · 07/01/2020 22:36

Maybe if you talk to your mum and sister in law and explain your worries, between them they will be able to help you out if you need?

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:37

@winterisstillcoming that’s something my mother in law actually suggested but then she thought about it and said he will be at the stage where he will probably have separation anxiety so it will be difficult to have him stay with them.

OP posts:

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 07/01/2020 22:38

I would not go to the SIL she has at least 2 kids. She lives abroad and she has other obligations. She's busy enough.

Ginger1982 · 07/01/2020 22:39

"I didn’t choose this age gap! I was on the pill and fell pregnant"

You have chosen it.

youcancallmequeenE · 07/01/2020 22:49

Wow you're getting some flack here @Ohidontknow99 😞

I have a similar gap between my 2 so I do still remember some of the anxiety and thoughts going through my mind whilst pregnant...

Who will look after my DD when I go into labour? What if I don't get to the hospital quick enough (fast first delivery)? What if... how will I manage if...

What I can say is, you will. You will manage because you will have to. For me, I actually found it easier not being pregnant anymore. It's bloody hard at the end. Having a newborn second time round is easier as you know what you're doing and what to expect.

I'm sure your ILs can still help you in other ways. Cooking for you (my mum and mil used to always bring us a cooked meal. I loved them deeply for it!) could be a big one? If nothing else, embrace tv for your eldest. Do what you have to do is my motto and so far it's served me just fine. Both kids are fed and alive 😂.

You're going to be ok. Your family won't abandon you just because your sil is visiting. It'll just be on slightly different terms is all

youcancallmequeenE · 07/01/2020 22:51

Oops! Op tag fail

MyDcAreMarvel · 07/01/2020 22:52

My MIL did once say that she thought a one year age gap was harder than twins (she was basing this on having seen her sister have twins and her other daughter in law having a small age gap).
It really is not! I have twins plus a one year age gap.

nowaypose · 07/01/2020 22:53

I would absolutely hate to have my MIL staying with me for a week, especially the first week after having a baby... I can’t believe you actually want this tbh.

Most women just get help from their husband then get on with it when he goes back to work, I know I did two weeks after my c-section. You will survive.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 22:54

Thanks @youcancallmequeenE I think I will need to be less strict about TV! It’s not what I wanted as I’ve seen how addicted DH nephews and nieces are to their screens but needs must I suppose!

OP posts:

MissEliza · 07/01/2020 22:55

You can't seriously expect your sil not to visit her own parents in her home country at a time when is clearly best for her child in order to suit you? I lived abroad when I had my first two dcs (both my c section) and managed fine without parental help. Lots of my expat friends did too. You'll manage.

yolofish · 07/01/2020 22:56

The OP mentioned that this was a surprise baby, so no need to question her about the planning - which is out of order anyway.

jade I am sure you will be just fine, but I do appreciate how anxious you are. have you talked to your midwife at all about this? it might help.

And to those who are super women - fuck off!

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