SIL visiting when baby is due

[Jadefeather7]

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

You are not willing to listen to anyone. If anyone states YABU you throw back that we do not appreciate that families help each other out. Absolutely nobody said such a thing. Having family help is amazing. But you pretty much demand that we all agree with you that SIL is being unreasonable for coming to visit in the summer - and nobody agrees with you because that is VVU. And has absolutely nothing to do with anyone’s culture.

Why are you and your husband so incapable of looking after your own children that you won't cope unless another adult is present? Every other parent manages, in the kindest way you really need to get a grip and stop expecting help from other people with YOUR children.

In my culture it's also the norm for your mum or MIL to come and help when you have a baby.

Most people I know prefer their own mums staying tbh. My DM stayed a month each time when I had my DC.

My DM stayed abroad for 2 months when my Dsis had her baby...nothing strange or entitled about it.

OP... it's just unfortunate, but your MIL sounds lovely, so why not let her know or get your DH to ask if she will still be able to come and stay with you.

I'm not sure who your mum is caring for, but there may be the option of respite care for that person, while she comes to help you out.

As a mother of daughters, I'd feel bad of the MIL helped and I didn't.

You say that you will look after your mil when she is older and ill. Will you give up your job to do that if necessary? Often it's easy to say "I will do this and that", but when it comes to it you might not be able to for whatever reason. You might need to help your own Mum out with whoever's she is caring for currently. You might be busy with your own kids. As your mil is busy with her daughter!!!

I’m quite surprised that many mums or MILs are able to help at all. It depends on age of course, but surely many will have jobs they have to go to and they won’t be able to take extensive time off.

My husband will be around and is helpful but there’s only so much he can do
He can literally do everything except breastfeed. Which means he can help as much as any other person on the planet. Given this, why you seem to think the responsibility should fall to your MIL is beyond me.

OP you have endless threads all bemoaning your lot in life. You sound like you have crippling low self esteem and crave a community type of family where everyone pitches in with each other. Babies go on anyone's tit for a feed type of thing. Everything just seems to be a hard slog for you but you seem to have quite a privileged lifestyle where you could make things easier.

You can buy in help if you really can't cope. Hire a maternity nurse. Or try for a Vbac so you're not immobilised after birth.

Most of all, sort something out to increase your confidence. You can do things on your own.

I'm fucked if I can guess in which culture it's the norm for a mil to move in and help with a newborn, but at the same time the mils own daughter is only welcome to visit her own mother when the dil doesn't want two adults to look after her.

Certainly no culture I've ever heard of. Every single one I can think of where the former is the norm, almost any visitor is welcomed for unplanned, extended stays. Let alone daughters on planned visits.

Perhaps it's op's personal culture of 'only person to have ever had a baby'

Loving the suggestions up thread that perhaps the sil could help out. The woman has baby/ toddler twins and a school age child but it's ok to expect her to help with op's dc as well because op and her dp will struggle?

“If anyone stepped into my shoes to take care of my parents I know I would be very conscious of it”

So they are HER parents when it suits you but DC’s grandparents when you need help? You sound incredibly spoilt. Perhaps SIL copes fine and it didn’t occur to her you need her mother as live in help for weeks after the birth. She probably stayed with SIL after all she lives in a different country so tied it in with an extended stay plus TWINS. People have been having children for Thousands of years and you already have a cleaner, what more help do you need? Yes it will be hard At times, but suck it up. Cultural or not you just sound a bit lazy to me..Your poor MIL just expected to help everyone

It’s fine to hope people will help when you have a baby but you have to know you’d cope if they can’t.

My husband is fantastic and did and still does everything but breastfeed our daughter and I’m extremely close to my mum. I had an EMCS under a general anaesthetic and was in a bad way after the birth. By the time we were discharged DH was very ill with a raging chest infection and sinusitis, he was near enough flat on his back. My mum who’d have wanted to be with me most days (doesn’t live far away) got a horrible infectious disease and was in quarantine for two weeks. I coped. It’s what people do.

It sounds as though you are panicking about possible scenarios which may not happen. I don't think there is anything your mother in law can do which your husband cannot. The alternative would be to employ a maternity nurse, that would be luxury & you wouldn't be plagued with loads of pointless exhausting chat.

Someone later on in thread suggested you opt for a vaginal birth if possible: you don't say why you need a C section, you may not second time around. I know someone who had a vaginal birth after a Caesar and she was fine, pleased too because that is what she wanted both times but had an ECS first time.

I hope all works out well - it's still a long way off and you can't be worrying all though your pregnancy.

If anyone stepped into my shoes to take care of my parents I know I would be very conscious of it

And what? Not visit your parents during the summer months, and instead stay away a further 6 months and visit for a few days at Christmas? How would you feel if your sister in law, who was in a position to look after your sick mother did it because she lived locally and you were abroad. But then held it against you and held it up as a reason why she was more entitled to see your mother than you are. I'm sure you wouldn't be impressed with someone dictating when you could visit your mother, or extended family.

You are all over the place with your view on this and I don't think you can really pinpoint what your problem is. I think that just shows that it is nothing other than feeling jealous that somebody might steal your thunder.

Have you ever had counselling? Because your panicked and anxious feelings are not normal. A counsellor, or your obstetrician might be able to reassure you.

I have two sons, same age gap and our nearest family is in scotland (we live in the south west). We had to make do, just as you will. Mums have different relationships with their daughters than their sons and daughter in law's, which could explain why they spent so much time supporting their daughter, yes it may be antiquated but it's their choice.