Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:

daisypond · 07/01/2020 21:36

I don’t really understand why you need help. Your DH will be there. My in-laws came to visit for an afternoon two weeks after my babies were born. My parents came for a day.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 07/01/2020 21:37

Crossed posted with @yolofish - exactly!

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:37

"I think people who think it’s a walk in the park to have major surgery, look after a newborn and a toddler are a bit delusional."

Nope, because thousands of us have done it and it's perfectly fine and manegeable. You are encouraged to get up and be mobile these days to avoid dvts. They dont like you to be lying there getting waited on. Your husband needs to do his share. I suspect with your mil "helping" last time, he was not needed. Health visitors will pick up on it if they think you arent doing what you are able to.

Josette77 · 07/01/2020 21:38

There is a huge difference between twins and one newborn. Surely you see that. Plus given her daughter lives in another country a longer visit makes sense.

I'm stunned your bit complained too. Sounds like quite the demanding culture for grandparents.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 07/01/2020 21:39

"I think people who think it’s a walk in the park to have major surgery, look after a newborn and a toddler are a bit delusional."

Not delusional. Just except the sperm giver to pull his own weight and not try and pass it off as woman work.

Leaannb · 07/01/2020 21:39

I just love when people feel entitled to help with their children and get all upset and disappointed when they don"t. OP did you ask your in-laws if it was ok to have a baby and if they would be able to help you? No ? Then you are being very unreasonable to be upset. Your SIL has every right to visit her parents whenever she wants. Whether it's now or later or whether or not you are having a baby. She doesn't need a reason or your approval

Newbie1999 · 07/01/2020 21:39

If my MIL wanted to stay and help with my newborn I’d have hated it!! And I have another child. YABU - it’s your child and you’re not a single mother.

TheCanterburyWhales · 07/01/2020 21:40

Why are the latest posts both talking about breastfeeding multiples?
Fancy 2 supportive of the OP posters using the same pseudo insults to everyone else.

A socking coincidence.

Bitofnamechanging · 07/01/2020 21:42

I had a 12 month age gap and it isn't the easiest. Dh had the toddler and house for three weeks and I had the newborn. Divide and conquer. We were shattered but managed

Flipper1234 · 07/01/2020 21:43

I had c sections with both my kids and no family nearby. The first was a long and slow recovery (emergency) but the second, an elective c section, was actually much better and I was mobile within a few days. Plus I knew what I was doing so everything was easier. I’ll admit I was envious of other mums who had family around to help but as you say, you’ll manage. Hope you too find it easier second time around, good luck

TrainspottingWelsh · 07/01/2020 21:43

Yabu.

If you thought it was oh so hard to have one baby to care for between you, dh, and mil, and are already planning not to cope with a newborn and 13 month old without mil, then by your own standards, someone having twins would need help for a few years, never mind months.

Yet you're complaining because they naturally want to visit, and haven't organised it around your ridiculous plans to struggle with 'only' dh to help.

timeisnotaline · 07/01/2020 21:43

People are being very unkind. It is completely normal to be frightened of coping post c section with a young toddler. It is ridiculous to say the dh’s two weeks at home should be plenty, a c section recovery time is clearly stated as longer. However it will work out and I’m sure mil will be some help, taking your oldest dc for an afternoon etc. Your dh will need to be on board with prepping things before leaving etc and pitching in when he comes back from work.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 21:45

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson @yolofish Thank you for the understanding. It was terrible. I’m not ‘precious’ as some people here are saying. I get on with things myself as much as I can. I had various complications which I don’t want to go into here but suffice to say I was admitted to A&E a couple of times during the first few weeks because of the issues I had. I was very lucky that I lived and that obviously is psychologically very difficult when you have a new baby.
I will look at ways of working around it and getting more help. I just felt that in my SIL shoes I would have done differently but it seems like it’s just me!

OP posts:

Leaannb · 07/01/2020 21:45

We aren't the ones being delusional. That would be you. I had a C-section in a foreign country with 2 kids and a husband that was fighting a war. Is it tough? Yes but that's what you signed up for being a parent. I love how it's the inlaws that come and stay but where are your parents? Since you feel so entitled to your mil's help I can just imagine you must be heartbroken that your own parents can't come and be your household staff

Pumpkintopf · 07/01/2020 21:47

Op could your parents come and stay to help for a while if you think your husband won't be able to cope?

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 07/01/2020 21:47

I'd have had a larger age gap if this was a risk.

TabbyMumz · 07/01/2020 21:47

Noone has said they climbed Mount Everest, or done anything extra ordinary, but what they have been able to do is look after their baby and child...with their husband. I think its embarrasing your husband ringing his Mum asking what help they can expect.

Nicknacky · 07/01/2020 21:47

So are your parents coming to stay?

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2020 21:48

Some mothers do favour their daughters over their sons. If your MIL if one of them, it would explain why she helped her for longer and is prioritising her daughter's visit over your due date. The other thing is that her sons are not actually having the babies. So she might (understandably) feel more compelled to help her DD than a DIL. Tbh I would expect the mother's mother to help more than the father's mother. Surely the mother would feel more comfortable with that too?

You haven't answered the people who asked whether your own mother could help?

CakeandCustard28 · 07/01/2020 21:48

So why can’t your own parents help?

MissRabbitNeedsAHoliday · 07/01/2020 21:48

It will be difficult, of course it will, I don't think anyone doesnt think it will- but that doesnt mean op can expect her in laws to drop everything to help.

OP can your parents not help out at all?

doritosdip · 07/01/2020 21:49

I understand why you're worried but from
SIL's point of view you'll have MIL
around the rest of the year when SIL isn't in the same country as you. Is it likely that you won't get any help even if SIL and MIL take the 13 month old for a bit while the twins and older child sees the paternal grandparents?

1forsorrow · 07/01/2020 21:50

I had a lively 2 year old, a disabled husband (accident while I was pregnant) and still managed. I can still picture the horror on midwife's face when I walked into hospital in labour carrying my own case. She tried to get husband to take it and I had to say, "No, I need him to be well enough to look after DD, if he picks that bag up he will be in bed for a week." You would hope medical people would understand!

To be honest I think I recovered much faster once I was out of hospital and had to be mobile and doing things. Will your husband take his 2 weeks paternity leave? Can he tag a couple of weeks holiday onto it? Four weeks with your husband there and you should be fine.

The other thing is you might not have the same experience this time.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 21:50

@Jadefeather7 from the sounds of it your MIL has given different levels of help to different siblings anyway. I don't see why your SIL shouldn't visit or why she would know it would take help away from you? Your MIL can choose to help or not - it makes no difference if SIL is there.

I think you're worrying too much. You think the newborn will need you and DH to look after it and you will need someone to look after the older DC. Honestly, you'll be fine - remember most people do it with no extra help except a DH at home for a week or 2.

I have noticed that friends of mine that had a lot of help with their babies seemed to lack the confidence to look after their babies alone - one had someone with her everyday for 6 weeks after her baby. When she became unwell she would panic if there was noone to come and take over. I never had any help and while of course help while unwell would have been nice - I had the confidence to just get on with it.

Ishotmrburns · 07/01/2020 21:51

Some people on here can be very disparaging about certain cultures and their expectations, don't let them make you feel shitty OP.

I think your upset is a bit misdirected. Your SIL is just visiting when it works best for her and her kids. It doesn't mean you aren't getting any support. Perhaps she is planning on coming over to stay with you, or at least come over during the day a lot, during your SIL's stay?

I wouldn't get upset about this just on the basis on your SIL being around. See exactly what is actually happening first.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread