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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:
Thehop · 05/01/2020 20:45

If your son mentioned it use it to make them look weird

“Oh that? That’s daddy’s girlfriend before me. Nanna and grandad keep it up there....Weird isn’t it?”

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/01/2020 20:47

I don't think you have any right to get someone else to take their picture off the wall.

However, I do understand why you don't like it. I would just explain to your son that it was your partners girlfriend before you.

Merrymumoftwo · 05/01/2020 20:48

Sorry yes YABU it’s not your home. I’m also not sure this is a good reason to avoid his family. As PP said just explain to your son.

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:49

@Thehop i'm totally saving this for my future use!!!

OP posts:
cabbageking · 05/01/2020 20:50

It is a family photo of a different time with different memories.

You need to create your own and not worry about the ex.

It only becomes a problem if you allow it to.

slashlover · 05/01/2020 20:50

How long have you been together?

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:51

@Merrymumoftwo not avoiding the family, just the environment that makes me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 05/01/2020 20:51

YANBU OP but couldn't you or he just have said politely (some time ago) that it felt a bit odd and your child will be confused by it. They might not even have given it a second thought.

Can't be any worse than just not going around which insinuates a problem anyway. Your DH can surely say something even if you won't- it's a photo of him Confused. Perhaps offer to replace it with one of yourselves.

QueenofPain · 05/01/2020 20:51

It’s weird that his family haven’t moved on. Losers.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/01/2020 20:51

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend but they shared a dog together so he moved home with his parents for a bit and she used to go over to do dog swaps.

There was a pic of the whole family with her at the end and one week she went there and was still on the end. The next week she saw she’d been sliced off the end. A few weeks later the brother broke up with his girlfriend and got lopped off the other side.

My friend really wanted to ask how much they loved that pic of themselves to just keep chopping people out of it Grin

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:51

@slashlover 4 years

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2020 20:52

Difficult one my Mum has a few photos on the wall one of which is a very large family one taken to celebrate a special event. There is someone who is now an ex in it but was very much part if the family for over 15 years and who the whole family still get on with so it would be weird to take it down, although I get that may make a new partner feel a bit uncomfortable.

fairynick · 05/01/2020 20:52

Very weird imo. Weird of your PIL but even weirder of tour DP. If my parents had a pic of me and ex up in the living room then as soon as we split up I’d be shouting GET THAT OUT 🤣

cardibach · 05/01/2020 20:54

I don’t think it’s weird at all. It’s an old picture of the family within their friends of the time. It’s not like she’s someone he had an affair wit(, she’s an ex from before your time. I really can’t see why it’s something you don’t want your son to see - are you pretending the two of you sprang into life with no past at the moment of his birth?

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:54

@ShirleyPhallus I wish I could see the pic... must've been the best lighting in the world! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:57

@cardibach shes someone who caused a LOT of trouble in the early days continually trying to call him on repeat and not accepting he had moved on

OP posts:
Cheeseboardcriminal · 05/01/2020 20:58

I can see why it's weird. Do they have any children together?

If it's a picture of a lot of the family they might want it up for all the others and it's worth keeping her on to see them.

If it's just those two then that is really weird.

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 21:01

@Cheeseboardcriminal they have no children, no financial ties, no cats or dogs or goldfish. There's others on it. Its very much a family couplesy photo. It's odd. Especially as we have a one year old together and they know the trouble she caused before he was born.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 05/01/2020 21:02

Who else is in the family photo? My parents had one with them, myself and my sister, with her now ex husband and their eldest daughter. The only reason it eventually got taken down was because it was pointed out that there was only one grandchild in it and by then my sister had 2 more with her ex plus one with her now husband (partner at the time of the discussion).

If it's just your partner and his ex, get a one taken of the two of you and gift it to your in laws. Don't let something as small as a photo ruin the potential for a good relationship with your partner's family.

When you meet a person you have to accept that they have a past that you were not a part of. My dh has an ex wife and 2 step daughters from her first marriage. I don't object to him being in touch with them still because they were together for a long time and he was a father figure to his step daughters. They do only have sporadic contact though.

Our children have just discovered their Dad was married before, and that their Dad and Uncle have different fathers (MIL was married before FIL and divorced her first husband). The joy of researching the family tree together. They understand that Daddy was married before and it didn't work out, then we met. If PIL had wanted family photos including DH's ex on the wall then I wouldn't think it my place to comment. It would be a memory of a good time for them. If they refused to put up pictures of our family/DH and I then I might feel aggrieved but I do have a good relationship with my PIL and wouldn't refuse to visit them just because of a picture on a wall.

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 21:02

@QueenofPain I'm saying nothing Wink

OP posts:
Runningonempty84 · 05/01/2020 21:04

I really couldn't bring myself to care about this. He's with you now, and you can't dictate what other people choose to have on their walls.
If you're not going to the house because of it, then that's just odd and, frankly, being a bit of a drama llama.

Original poster
MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 21:05

@fairynick i honestly thought most people worked this way... apparently not Confused

OP posts:
ButterflyRuns · 05/01/2020 21:06

YANBU as your child will be confused by it - even if it’s a family picture I don’t know why they would want a picture with his ex up, can they not just take a new family picture? That said, it’s not your house so not much you can do.

minisoksmakehardwork · 05/01/2020 21:07

There's your answer - there's others on the photo. How easy would it be for them to get that group together now just because one person has left the group, maybe there are deceased relatives, or people they wish to think of fondly and your partners ex just happens to be in it too. They can hardly scratch her out of the picture as that would invite comments and questions from anyone else who saw it.

Do not allow this one small thing to fester and infect your relationship with your inlays. If you keep going on about it your partner may also get fed up of it too. Instead, visit, be kind and generous with your friendship with your partners parents. One day the picture may be replaced with one of your and your partner. Maybe there will be others in it and maybe there won't.

But something as small as a picture has the potential to cause wider harm if you continue to allow it to eat away at you.

QueenOfTheFae · 05/01/2020 21:07

There's others on it.

well, there you go then...? maybe its a photo that one of them looks good in... I know I would keep photos up if I looked good :-)