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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:
mummyway · 05/01/2020 21:39

Complete show of disrespect to you, your oh needs to grow a spine and yes your right to avoid the dickhead inlaws. Who does that, keeps pics of the exes around esp when you have a child with the man.

VerySale · 05/01/2020 21:40

I can see why this would annoy you OP. I'd feel the same and I think a lot of people would.

You've reminded me that my family have a couple of pictures of me and ex up that I'd rather they take down. DP wouldn't care at all but it bothers me. I'm not with him any more so I don't see why my relatives would keep a picture up of us. It's not a group one either sono excuse there either.

Inherdefence · 05/01/2020 21:41

I think the photo and the ex are part of his parent’s history. They shouldn’t be expected to pretend that she didn’t exist and erase all traces of her. As other people have said, it’s easy enough to explain it to your DC if they ever ask.

We had a good mate within our friendship group whose marriage broke down. After a few years he met and married someone else. She seemed very nice and was welcomed into the fold and she came to our house for the next NYE party. She had a meltdown because a large photo collage on the wall of various group holidays included a couple of shots of her new DH with his ex-wife. These were fingernail size images amongst about 50 other shots of our whole group taken between 10/ 15 years before.

He was a good mate so we decided that in future when they visited we’d put the offending collage in a cupboard but we never got the chance because him and the new wife ghosted us and the whole group. He had been friends with DH and other group members since infants school so that was 35+ years of friendship chucked away because we hadn’t erased all traces of his first wife from our home.

motortroll · 05/01/2020 21:44

I had this. They had my dh ex's graduation photo on their wall and loads of holiday snaps on the pinboard in miles sewing room.

I gave them loads of photos of us and helped pin them over the top of them (except any with ex and dsd together as that would have upset dsd)

They eventually took the graduation pic down. I never asked them

I think they just didn't really notice them!!

motortroll · 05/01/2020 21:45

My dad photoshopped my ex fiance out of my graduation group photo lol

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 05/01/2020 21:46

Been with DP for 5 years and there’s a group photo of him and his friends with his ex gf front and centre in a frame in our lounge. I keep forgetting to change it.

There’s also a large framed photo of him with his family and a different gf at his parents house. I couldn’t care less.

maddy68 · 05/01/2020 21:49

It honestly wouldn't bother me, they obviously keeping it up as it's a nice family picture. Everyone has a previous life

EenieMeenieHalloweenie · 05/01/2020 21:49

My parents have been divorced 20+ years. It's only recently that my Grandad (Mums dad) has taken down their wedding picture, 'because he's still my dad' despite the fact my Mum remarried someone else (since divorced him too!).
It wasn't hard to take down, just leant against the fireplace but he just liked it. I've always thought that was lovely rather than odd- my dad is important to me and so my grandad found him important to acknowledge ❤️

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2020 21:49

Nowt stranger that folk.. Confused

MaryShelley1818 · 05/01/2020 21:53

I really can't see why it matters. There are some incredibly insecure and controlling people on here.

I am very good friends with my exDH (no children). I went to his father's Christmas party at his house this year, I took my 2yr old (from current marriage), exDH's fiancee and her 5yr old were there. Mutual friends and lots of exes family were there. We all chatted, laughed, wished each other Merry Christmas then went back home. No one cares who was with who in the past. We're all adults about it. His parents were very close and very good friends with his girlfriend before me (so 15+ years ago) and still talk and meet up. They're just a thoroughly nice family.

atomicblonde30 · 05/01/2020 21:57

My in-laws have not one, not two but three massive ones of DH ex on the wall. They know it hurts me and she revels in it but yet they stay . .

saraclara · 05/01/2020 21:59

I wouldn't not visit them because of it. That's over the top, especially since you're not explaining the reason. They'll read more into it and you'll have even bigger problems.

Why not give them a photo of you and your DH to put in its place? Joke with them about how out of date the present one is.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/01/2020 21:59

I would just say it was Daddy's friend back then.

saraclara · 05/01/2020 22:00

...and to be honest, your son will be more confused about 'why mummy won't go to grandad's house' than he will about the photo. By a long way.

Magicmama92 · 05/01/2020 22:03

I would suggest that you maybe get a new family picture taken to replace it including you and your son. I'd find it odd myself and I can understand why you dont like it. This way you can all get what you want. They will still have a lovely family photo and you will be included and not have to see his ex on the wall.

Cloudyyy · 05/01/2020 22:11

I think it’s really rude of them. Could they not at least put it somewhere else, like upstairs where you won’t see it all the time?

Legomanships · 05/01/2020 22:12

Wouldn’t bother me to be honest. Why does it matter, I’m sure no one is looking at this apart from you. Your partner should just ask them to take it down though if it’s such a problem. I have an aunt who made my uncle throw out photos from my dads wedding because he’s the best man and his fiancée at the time was a bridesmaid, so people are a bit funny about this stuff.

msflibble · 05/01/2020 22:13

Yanbu, it's weird and inconsiderate of them to keep it up. Can't imagine my in laws doing something like that, it'd be bizarre

SonEtLumiere · 05/01/2020 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineCake · 05/01/2020 22:20

I expected most to say you were being unreasonable in their desire to look cool so it was heartening that most people answered truthfully. If she was the child's mother, fair enough, but just an ex? No way.

I noticed at my in-laws they still have a photo and civil partnership certificate on the wall even though their child and their ex are divorced. No idea if it bothers my in-law, but I think it would bother me if they were my parents and I was divorced.

Pipandmum · 05/01/2020 22:22

He has a past. His family obviously care for this woman. It's not up to you.
My husband kept a pic of his ex wife and two sons on his shelf in his study at home. It was a huge part of his life and I'd never have dreamt of asking him to remove it.

MiniGuinness · 05/01/2020 22:22

Draw glasses and a moustache on her. Or jizzing cock and balls. I really couldn’t get worked up about this, and I agree with a pp that having to explain to your child about not going there is much weirder than the photo

NotYourHun · 05/01/2020 22:27

There’s a photo at my PIL’s house that has DH’s ex in it. It was a whole family shot from DH’s nephew’s birthday. It’s not prominently displayed (it’s not even framed, just on a notice board) and MIL has actually apologised about it in the past. She has moved another photo slightly over the top to cover her 😂 It doesn’t bother me because it’s still a happy family memory and why shouldn’t they keep the photo?

Creepster · 05/01/2020 22:35

It was wrong of your partner not to ask them to move it out of common areas as a courtesy to you and their grandchild.
He needs to do it now before it causes any more dissension.

OrchidJewel · 05/01/2020 22:39

Meh, it will take at least another 9 years before DS questions it. You just don't seem to like it?