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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 06/01/2020 16:52

I've just check back to this thread and see no further information from the OP about the actual photo that is causing her such emotional distress that she can't be in the house ...

All we know is that it one photo which is a family "couplesy" picture taken years before the OP came on the scene and includes the home iwners family including their ds's girlfriend at the time ...

Many of us have experience of similar pics at inlaws and many if us really don't have a problem, so no faking it to look "cool" or anything else. Just bafflement.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 16:52

Your words - not mine

I expected most to say you were being unreasonable in their desire to look cool so it was heartening that most people answered truthfully.

81Byerley · 06/01/2020 17:10

I think you're making a fuss about nothing. My husband has boxes of photos featuring his ex wife. If he wanted one on the wall that would be fine. His parents are not alive, but if his sister had a photo up of him with his ex, I really wouldn't mind. There was life before him and me, and I totally accept that!

Original poster

MotherhoodRising · 06/01/2020 17:11

@minisoksmakehardwork and you've not yet mentioned whether they display photos of you and your partner as well. It would be prudent to know this as this would show they see you as their son's partner and mother to their grandchild.

Funny you should ask this, I tried to keep original post to a minimum (probably failed haha )

The thing that prompted this whole issue, apart from me just not liking it, his family post on facebook every time they leave the house. Yet I noticed every time they were with me and my OH they wouldn't post. When I asked about it I was told it was to protect her feelings! Yet my feelings about having pic of my OH and his ex, who yes, i dislike with reason, were irrelevant. So no, no pics of us or our son on the wall. And no ackowledgement on facebook.

OP posts:

NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat · 06/01/2020 17:11

I get it OP.

And also I agree with you Warpdrive. My DP's ex broke up their marriage acrimoniously. But most of his idiot family have made friends with her on FB and she's started to visit his mother and sister. It's power play, pure and simple.

They've been split up for three years but she only started this 'reclamation of the family' campaign about 12 months ago - when he got together with me

So it can be incredibly manipulative and not just a case of 'oh well, they all loved each other'.

schoolcats · 06/01/2020 17:13

Did he have children with her? If so then maybe it's up because they visit there and so it's nice for them to see a picture of their parents?

Either way, it's their house and their choice. I wouldn't like it but I'd ignore it.

Original poster

MotherhoodRising · 06/01/2020 17:17

@rattusrattus20 I like your multiple choice approach! May contact you when next need an opinion!

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 06/01/2020 17:19

What is the point in asking a very specific question about a photo if your issue with your in laws is much wider?

I understand that to you it is symptomatic of a wider problem, but taking it down won't change anything will it? The solution is different because the problem isnt the photo

minisoksmakehardwork · 06/01/2020 17:24

In that case @MotherhoodRising I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. While I still think you can't ask them to remove the photo as it contains other people, they do need to understand that YOU are now the partner in their son's life and not her. While they may have loved her deeply and as a daughter, a lot of time has passed and they have a son with a child and partner who should be as much a part of their lives as the ex was.

My paternal grandparents apparently favoured my father's ex fiancé, before he met my mum and they had broken the engagement off. For a long time mother says she was person non grata and when father had an accident not long before their wedding, MIL's first thought apparently was whether the ex fiancé knew, no concern for mother at all. My parents have been married a very long time - over 40 years - and mother still feels that her mother in law would prefer the ex fiancé to her. Whether this is the case or not, the damage was done in the early part of my parents relationship and mother finds her MIL a difficult person. As a granddaughter I don't see that side of the relationship but obviously I do have a different relationship with my grandmother to that of my parents.

Original poster

MotherhoodRising · 06/01/2020 17:27

thanks for your input @GertiMJN. In answer to your question, I did that because in this thread i genuinely wanted an opinion of the question i asked rather than the whole back story. Hope that helps

OP posts:

NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat · 06/01/2020 17:28

MotherhoodRising, trying to PM you but MN isn't working properly, argh!

Will try again in a bit

SunshineCake · 06/01/2020 17:38

FGS saying often posters want to be seen as cool is not the same as lying. Stop being so ....

GertiMJN · 06/01/2020 17:39

You're very welcome to my input OP

ShadowOnTheSun · 06/01/2020 17:42

Meh. If it was a pic of just two of them together or just her alone, then yes, maybe awkward. A group photo? Nah, wouldn't bother me.

I have a picture with my ex boyfriend and me in it (together with other friends) in my house. The man I'm currently seeing has a group photo with his ex-wife at his. Before this thread I've never even considered it to be an issue (and neither has he).

If a child asks who is the woman in the photo? Dad's ex-girfriend. Sorted.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/01/2020 17:43

It wouldn't bother me. I'd just assume they liked the picture for some other reason not because the Ex was in it.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 17:45

For goodness sake Sunshine.

You also said so it was heartening that most people answered truthfully.

Most people. Therefore you did accuse people of lying. It's not a big deal. They were your words so why not just own them?

LifeWithCKK · 06/01/2020 18:04

YANBU! I would feel exactly the same. I think they need to accept that she is no longer part of his life. Especially as you have a child together, you now come as a family.
I do also think, regardless of the relationship with his dad, he needs to grow up and address this issue with his family when it you makes you feel so uncomfortable. It's about respect. For all of you!
It should come off the wall.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 06/01/2020 18:10

I think the photo is a bit of a red herring tbh. The real problem is that the PILs' continued attachment to the ex is making OP feel like she and her feelings will always come second by comparison. The photo is symbolic of that and is pretty rude imo, although personally I would not go so far as to refuse to go there, which is a bit incendiary imo. I don't think it would be at all unreasonable of the partner to ask for it to come down, and I can't believe a caring parent would refuse. I don't know why he doesn't just ask.

Ingridla · 06/01/2020 18:32

I think it's fucking weird. Like, why, how could any normal, kind thinking human not consider how insensitive it is. Sadly, many people are pig ignorant and the rest of us have to love amongst them. Sorry for your upset.

Broken2020 · 07/01/2020 18:06

@MotherhoodRising Have you tried tagging them on Facebook yourself when you go out with them?!
It's ridiculous that they're protecting her feelings when you & your partner have kids together now so have clearly been together a decent amount of time! 😂

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