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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:
Ontheboardwalk · 05/01/2020 21:08

Cut your head out of a picture and glue it over hers?

Sorry OP if the picture was on his wall it would seem strange, but a family pic on another wall sorry YABU

How many years in total (before and after split) have they known her?

lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 21:09
  1. print a picture of your face the right size to go over the head in the pic in question. 2) attach blue tak to back of this face pic
  2. stick it over bitchtits face next time you're round.
  3. sigh happily
lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 21:10

@Ontheboardwalk great minds Wink

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2020 21:10

Do they have photos of the two of you up? Sorry if you’ve said and I’ve missed it.

My aunt had a pic of me and my ex up, not a huge one but in a prominent place. I gave her one of us, bigger and in a nicer frame and next time we went the old one had gone Grin

comingintomyown · 05/01/2020 21:10

Doubt your one year old will be asking about it anytime soon YABU

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2020 21:12

I think you're better off owning the fact you just don't like seeing a photo of your DP's ex girlfriend sitting on his knee.

Don't bring the fact 'she caused trouble' into it. That makes you look silly, because you know you'd feel the same way about that photo even if she didn't.

Ditto bringing your kids into it because it's quite simple. "Who's that lady on Step-Dad/Dad's knee?" "That's an old friend of his darling". The end.

So if you're going to state how you feel about the photo, do it honestly and you may be taken more seriously.

Ultimately though as PP's have said, you can't dictate these things in other people's homes.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/01/2020 21:12

My DM still has a pic with my ex SIL in it as part of a big family group on her wall. No-one has ever thought it to be weird.

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 05/01/2020 21:14

i was with a guy for 2 years over 15 years ago and attended his parents wedding. they had a wedding lineup photo taken of his parents, his grandma, his brother, him and me. that was their "main" wedding photo on the wall.

hes now engaged to someone hes been with for years. no kids. This christmas he uploaded some family photos onto facebook of their christmas at his mums. and theres the wedding picture behind him. there i am. its huge. on the wall. awkward as fuck.

Ontheboardwalk · 05/01/2020 21:15

Lynzpyn i'll get the scissors, you get the glue 😂

yellowallpaper · 05/01/2020 21:16

No idea what issue this would be to a child. I understand why you don't like it but a kid probably won't even notice or if they do just say it was daddy's girlfriend before me. Do you think children grow up thinking g they're parents never knew anyone before each other?

Not only that, it's not your house or your memories. Ignore it. Don't look at it. Ridiculous to ask someone to remove it. Grow up.

minisoksmakehardwork · 05/01/2020 21:20

@yellowallpaper - it's no issue to a child, especially a toddler. They will accept that their Dad had a life before their mum unless it gets blown out of proportion.

windycuntryside · 05/01/2020 21:21

It’s irritating, like a big spot. Hardly worth falling out over if you otherwise get on. Your 1 yo isn’t going to ask any day soon, by the time they work out the boyfriend girlfriend thing, he will be old to enough understand you can have more than one. (Not at the same time of course Grin)

Move on, she is not worth your angst. Btw my pil also have photos of dh ex, divorced for decades. (Weirdos) I can’t care any more.

Loveislandaddict · 05/01/2020 21:21

Is a family photo with lots of people in it, not just dp and ex? Maybe it’s one of the only photos his family have of the whole family together.

I think you are slightly over-reacting by avoiding the family home. If your dc asks who the lady is, just say it’s an old friend of dp#s.

How long have you been with dp? If a short time, you don’t really have any right to comment on family’s house.

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 05/01/2020 21:25

why dont you get them a family photo shoot for christmas next year? invite the same people from that photo (except the ex). they may replace that one

Warpdrive · 05/01/2020 21:25

OP I understand. There are 9 members of my DH's family who have accepted facebook friend requests from my DH's ex-fiancee.
I find it totally disrespectful that they have done this and let them know.
Not one of them has de-friended her in response, so I took the initiative and defriended them instead. I was sick of facebook suggesting her as a friend to me.

lynzpynz · 05/01/2020 21:26

@Ontheboardwalk 😂😂😂

Molly2016 · 05/01/2020 21:26

My in laws had the wedding photo up of my husband with his ex.
It remained up for the 6 years we dated and were engaged (despite us having a child together).
The day we got married it disappeared.
Wasn’t replaced with one of us on our wedding day though...!!!
I never said anything although I hated it.
They had no children together and did not keep in contact. I honestly couldn’t understand how they could not realise that years and years later I might find it strange.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2020 21:28

Warpdrive are you serious?

"Not one of them has de-friended her in response"

Good! It's not their fault or hers that you feel so threatened by such a tiny thing.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/01/2020 21:29

@Warpdrive I don't get that. Surely when your partner and her were together she was part of the family and they became friends? I don't think you have any right at all asking them to unfriend her, it's nothing to do with you.

It just sounds like insecurity from you.

FramingDevice · 05/01/2020 21:30

But from what you say the family and she maintained a friendship long after she and your DP split — they presumably feel warmth towards her still, or feel they have an ongoing relationship which isn’t just about her time with your DP...?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2020 21:31

@Warpdrive sorry but that sounds like schoolplayground behaviour If you are Jennies friend you cant be my friend kind of stuff.

TheDarkPassenger · 05/01/2020 21:31

I have a pic of my own ex up in my house 😂 it’s me, him, our parents and our son on his christening day. Lucky partner doesn’t care, it’s not like I sit and stare at it.

Mil has a pic of just my partner and his ex up on her wall but that’s fine by me cos mil is a witch and I wouldn’t want anyone going into her home thinking I’m associated with her in any way. The ex can keep that one 😬

NailsNeedDoing · 05/01/2020 21:32

Lots of families don’t have the opportunity to take pics with everyone in very often, this might be the only one they have with everyone else in their family all together.

Your dps ex being in the photo only has as much importance as you give it. It obviously doesn’t matter to them, and it’s their picture on their wall, so you’d be doing yourself a favour if you just let it go.

doritosdip · 05/01/2020 21:32

My ex MIL has a pic of just me and ex on her wall when we attended her daughter's wedding. We split up 8 years ago and my kids saw said pic at Xmas which is why I know it's still on display.

Your son will be fine knowing that his Dad had gfs before you. Most people don't have children with their first bf or gf

Sotiredofthislife · 05/01/2020 21:34

It’s weird that his family haven’t moved on. Losers

Losers? Wow. They’re adults. They can be friends with whoever they want. They can put whatever pictures they want on their walls. Just because a relationship breaks down, doesn’t stop people caring about someone - potentially someone who has been in their lives for many, many years. Personally I would say it shows a certain maturity and desire to not just wipe out the past because their family member did.

All that said, I can appreciate it must feel unpleasant for a new partner but making a fuss about it is hardly going to improve the situation.

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