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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 06/01/2020 13:58

My ex in laws still had a pic up of him and his first wife when we got married they took that picture out and put ours in I'm thinking they will do the same with wife number three 🤷‍♀️

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 06/01/2020 14:05

My aunt still has a picture of my exh on her wall (with me). Even though she doesn’t like him and he caused trouble too. She just can’t be arsed to change the pictures I think because it’s in one of those triple frames with some others.

Doesn’t bother me tbh and I wouldn’t expect it to bother any new partner I might have one day.

minisoksmakehardwork · 06/01/2020 14:12

I still think you are being very unreasonable to ask for a photo of loved ones to be removed even though consensus seems to be the other way - it's nothing to do with 'being cool' about past relationships but accepting that your partner has a past that you are not a part of.

You have been with your partner for 4 years, have a child together and are letting something as insignificant as a photo on the wall affect your relationship with your inlaws. As I said, dh was married before me and has stepdaughters. I can't and wouldn't want to erase that part of his life. His ex-wife went batshit crazy when she learned we were dating. I can quite imagine that another woman might do the same even if there were no ties such as children, home or pets.

But you really are only harming your relationship with your inlaws. Especially if, after 4 years, you still don't have the kind of relationship where you can tell them the picture makes you uncomfortable. They may move it to another room where you won't see it as much. It really isn't a deliberate slight and you've not yet mentioned whether they display photos of you and your partner as well. It would be prudent to know this as this would show they see you as their son's partner and mother to their grandchild.

nowaypose · 06/01/2020 14:18

It’s probably more to do with it being a nice photo of everyone together rather than her being in it. I’m imagining his Dad just likes the photo and didn’t want to remove it just because of their split. I completely understand why it makes you uncomfortable, I would feel the same and I imagine most people would.

It’s weirder because they don’t even have children together and weren’t married so not like she was a DIL to him who still has connections I.e grandchildren, she was just his son’s ex girlfriend. Your son probably will notice it eventually and wonder who on Earth the woman sitting on his Dad’s lap is so YANBU to request FIL to remove it.

Bibidy · 06/01/2020 14:19

I think it's totally unreasonable for them to still have a picture up of your partner with his ex.

No one is saying they can't keep the picture, but it shouldn't be on the wall.

Lockshunkugel · 06/01/2020 14:26

Ignore all the cool wives saying that you are insecure. Your DP needs to ask his parents for the picture to come down because it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s unfair to expect you to just put up with it, YANBU

messolini9 · 06/01/2020 14:43

This is something I don't want my son being exposed to

I don't understand the hysterical language.
What exactly are you scared of your son being "exposed" to?
What is it that is so terrible about an old pic of an old g/f that you are now causing an unnecessary issue by refusing to go round to DP's dad's house?

When your son is old enough to ask questions, you simply say:
"It's a photo of dad with his old g/f, before he was with us."
Job done.

The only person upset by this is you. Just remember that this is a photo, in DP's dad's house, not the actual woman. DP is with you now.

You are really making a huge fuss about nothing. It will only be an issue for your son if you allow it to be by acting so bloody weird & precious about it.

messolini9 · 06/01/2020 14:51

There are 9 members of my DH's family who have accepted facebook friend requests from my DH's ex-fiancee.
I find it totally disrespectful that they have done this and let them know.
Not one of them has de-friended her in response

Gordon Bennett you are high maintenance @Warpdrive.

Did it not occur to you that any of those 9 could be firm friends with the ex?
Or that a peremptory upbraiding telling them who they were allowed to 'friend' on SM ought to be run by you for approval?
Demanding, propretorial & batshit.

People are going to be friendly with whoever they choose, it's not up to you to challenge that.

Thestrangestthing · 06/01/2020 14:57

It doesn't matter how much they like the photo. No way would I be going to my parents house with my dp if they had a photo of me, and one of my exes on the wall. I would remove it myself. It's weird that they want it there. Anyone saying otherwise is bullshitting.

BlaueLagune · 06/01/2020 14:59

I don’t think it’s weird at all. It’s an old picture of the family within their friends of the time

Exactly. I have wedding photos with ex partners/spouses on. Do I have to throw them away and pretend to the new partners that my wedding never happened/the ex's weren't there? They weren't just boy/girlfriends of friends, eg BIL is divorced and remarrying soon. And my parents divorced a year after my wedding. I didn't hide the photos with my dad on so that my mum's new partner didn't see!

Just forget it OP. Worrying about it is a waste of time and life is too short.

BlaueLagune · 06/01/2020 15:00

Anyone saying otherwise is bullshitting

I'm really not.

BlaueLagune · 06/01/2020 15:01

No one is saying they can't keep the picture, but it shouldn't be on the wall

Their house, they decide who they want to adorn their walls.

messolini9 · 06/01/2020 15:03

Anyone saying otherwise is bullshitting.

Or perhaps they are not so self-centred & possessive that they feel the need to dictate to other people what pics they are allowed in their own home, or how they feel about their child's ex.

baubled · 06/01/2020 15:07

I would be really put out if it was just a picture of them two but because it's a group picture I think you need to suck it up.

I'm not saying I would like it, it would make me annoyed too but I wouldn't avoid the house and cause problems because of it, life's too short to get that worked up over a picture and like another poster said, if your child questions it, let them answer it.

TheVanguardSix · 06/01/2020 15:12

I honestly think what happens is that people forget about the photos they've hung up a decade ago. They become blind to them. I used to go over to the parents' in law when they were alive and I'd be washing up the tea mugs in a sink with a photo hanging above of DH, his ex wife, the in laws, and someone else- I forget who -staring back at me. You get to a point where the mere thought of tilting at windmills is exhausting. You could get upset about it... or not. It's too tiring picking such battles.
It's not a statement or anything of the sort. It's just a photo from the past of someone who once mattered a great deal to that family, including your partner. She's no longer a part of the family. She's just a 2D image on aging paper in a frame nobody notices, apart from you. I do get your angst. But I can't emphasize enough how little you need to worry about this.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 15:20

SunshineCake .... I expected most to say you were being unreasonable in their desire to look cool so it was heartening that most people answered truthfully. If she was the child's mother, fair enough, but just an ex? No way.

That comes across as pretty arrogant and ignorant.

Arrogant to assume anyone who thinks the OP is unreasonable is telling lies and ignorant to think anyone on an anonymous internet forum can possibly 'look cool'.

Guess what? Different people feel differently about different things and sometimes they're telling the truth...

Inliverpool1 · 06/01/2020 15:26

My daughter was shown a photo of her daddy’s first wedding 🙄
Most strange behaviour ... I bet I came down off the wall damn quick though 🤣😂

Mia1415 · 06/01/2020 15:32

I really don't see the issue with this. My DM had pictures up of my ex DH for years. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I'm pretty sure his DM had pictures of me up too. Just because someone splits up the memories made in the past don't just vanish.

It's just a piece of old paper on a wall.

1forAll74 · 06/01/2020 15:38

It is someone else's house, someones else's photo, so don't fret about it at all.
The in laws might well leave you the photo in their will ha ha.

Lucylou321 · 06/01/2020 15:57

My IL's have a massive family picture that has DH's ex in on their wall. It's never bothered me because it's a picture of all the family at that time and I wouldn't expect them to have to remove that.

The giant canvases they have of DH's ex are a whole different story though. She decided that when her and DH split she would have a photo shoot done of her and the kids which is sweet enough and she got some lovely photos of DSC which would have been lovely to give to the IL's but instead she got giant canvases done, some of the DSC and some of just her. The IL's proudly display these all around their house. I've always found it weird.

DH and I have a 1 year old together and they don't have a single photo of our child in their entire house. I've given them several photos and they've clearly just never wished to have our child on display. Either that or there just isn't room on the wall because of the giant posed pictures of my DH's ex (on her own pouting)
We don't visit there anymore and probably never will.

SunshineCake · 06/01/2020 16:14

I'm neither arrogant nor ignorant @WorraLiberty, thanks but have been around mumsnet long enough to know how things go.

I think the OP has a point, just as I think those that wouldn't be bothered by it have a valid point of view, but I was giving support to the OP. Sometimes it is nice to do that when they are upset about something and haven't done anything wrong..

rattusrattus20 · 06/01/2020 16:21

A key photo lesson in these days of electronic family photos = keep 'outsiders' at the edges so they can be cropped out if needed.

I read all of OP's posts but still don't have a strong sense of what this picture actually looks like.

Whether OP is being reasonable or not turns on a range of factors, namely:

(1) Ex's prominence in the photo - are we talking about: (a) one of 10+ peoplel, or (b) a small handful?

(2) Size of photo: (a) a standard 4" by 6"; or (b) something much larger?

(3) Prominence of the photo - are we talking about: (a) a picture which is itself part of a 'bank' of similar photos, perhaps sited in a corridor or smaller room within the house, or (b) something that has pride of place above the family hearth?

(4) Whether the photo has aesthetic/sentimental etc value , e.g. (a) it's a cracking snap taken on a very special day, also is one of relatively few surviving photos that includes one or more beloved rels who are no longer with us; (b) it's just some random snap hastily taken shortly before the couple split up.

etc

Mostly (a)s - OP needs to get over herself, deal with it.

Mostly (b)s - OP probably has a point.

Chocolatemouse84 · 06/01/2020 16:35

I think yabu. You can't dictate to others what photos they have on their own walls, it's their house.

And I think you re creating a huge issue in refusing to go round unless they take it down. What a horrible and controlling position to put others in.
If your child asks when they are older, just say it's an old friend/girlfriend of dad's and leave it at that, I really don't see the big deal.

I have never really thought about it until now but I have a family photo of my wedding in my wall. It's got a couple of family members who are now deceased and also my sil's ex on. I'd be upset if my sil's new partner made an issue of it being up, I like the photo, I'll never get another family one like it and it's a part of the past.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 16:35

By trying to convince the OP that anyone who disagrees with her is telling lies?

How is that supportive? It's just plain insulting

SunshineCake · 06/01/2020 16:39

Fucks sake. That isn't what I said or implied.

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