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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect his exes picture taking off the wall?

145 replies

MotherhoodRising · 05/01/2020 20:43

My other half was with his ex for a few years and even though they broke up years before I met him, his family would meet up with her. When we got together he told her she needed to stop trying to call him because he was with somebody new and she caused a load of trouble. Anyway, when I go to his family home theres a family pic up and in it shes sat on his knee. This is something I don't want my son being exposed to. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it when he's old enough to ask questions. My other half agrees and says he would absolutely hate it if it was the other way round. Especially as she has caused trouble. But, whatever the dynamics of his relationship with his dad he doesn't feel confident having this conversation with him. Because of it, I no longer go around to the house and that's causing more issues. AIBU expecting the picture of my other half and his ex to come off the wall?

OP posts:
MooseBreath · 05/01/2020 22:42

My brother's ex is in my wedding photos as at the time, we all considered her to be family. I wouldn't be replacing my wedding photos with more updated ones.

TimeTravellersHat · 05/01/2020 22:46

The first time I went to OH’s parents house I noticed there were some wedding pics of him and his ex-wife scattered around on walls/surfaces alongside a bunch of other family pics (graduations etc).

I didn’t think much of it but OH whispered (he’d noticed me looking) “It’s kind of weird they’re still up I’ll ask them to take them down”. I said, “You shouldn’t as it’s their home and their right to display whatever memories they wish”.

He didn’t mention it In the end as he could clearly see I wasn’t bothered. However his parents did remove them shortly afterwards. Probably after (yet another) altercation with his ex who is notoriously difficult!

GertiMJN · 05/01/2020 22:58

I would never expect someone to remove a group photo from their wall. It's a memento of a particular occasion when those people were together.

If it was a 4ft canvas of just them, with ex sitting on your dh's lap, I would find that weird Grin

Lalliella · 05/01/2020 22:59

BIL and his ex bought MIL a hideous clock with a poem on it with their names at the bottom. When they split she left the clock up and stuck a sticker over the ex’s name 😂

saraclara · 05/01/2020 23:10

I've only just re-read and seen that it's a family photo, and not just a photo of him and the ex.

Given that, I think you're over-reacting. Presumably they have happy memories of the day when that was taken, and you don't get to dictate that they remove it. They might not even have registered that the ex is on it. When you have a photo up for years, you barely notice its presence, never mind the details.

So yep, photo of a spouse and ex alone -replace with the gift of one of you and spouse.
Family photo - parents/inlaws can do as they like.

saraclara · 05/01/2020 23:13

Heh. I've just remembered that my inlaws had a photo from a trip to visit extended family abroad, that had my late husband in with his arm round an ex-girlfriend. It was there on the wall until my MIL moved into a care home. So for 40 years after DH and I were married. It never bothered me in the slightest, and the idea of either of us asking them to hide it is laughable.

Ariela · 05/01/2020 23:23

While it is odd of them, perhaps they've not even thought about it/noticed as it's presumably been up for years.

I would get a very nice professional looking photo of the pair of you, frame it nicely in keeping with the frames they already have and present it to them as a 'I thought you'd like to update your photo of DH'

HomeSchoolFool · 05/01/2020 23:23

Anyone saying it's laughable to want the picture down is completely disrespecting this girl's feelings. It's clear from OP's message that its an uncomfortable position for her to be in. You might not think it is an issue for her child, or won't be one day, she does. And she's mum. This ex has clearly caused problems so dismissing OP's feelings isn't cool.

I also wouldn't be happy with this situation to be honest. I'm fortunate I've never had to be in it but would I be okay sitting there looking at a picture of this ex who's caused me trouble sitting on my partners knee with our LO there? No, I don't think I would.

hm246 · 05/01/2020 23:25

Is it a special family event? I have a picture of my grandads 80th in my living room that has my cousins ex BF in it. I like this photo so much I just can’t bring myself to get rid of it. Can’t even cut him out because he’s right in the middle 😡

Thestrangestthing · 05/01/2020 23:27

Steal it and burn it!

saraclara · 05/01/2020 23:33

@HomeSchoolFool I said the idea of us asking for that particular photo to come down is laughable.

OP can feel however she likes. But it's still not her call to ask them to take a photo of a number of family members down because it has an ex on it, if it has happy memories for them.
And I maintain that staying away from the house is a major over-reaction that is far harder to explain to her child than who that lady is.

HomeSchoolFool · 05/01/2020 23:36

@saraclara if the decision of OP is to stay away from situations that make her feel uncomfortable and uneasy, I think she'll do just fine explaining that to her child. And, if the in laws are okay with making her feel that way, it says a lot more about them than it does about her.

Monty27 · 05/01/2020 23:36

They must still like ex. Do you know the background?
I'd be curious. And then run for the hills.
It's creepy.

Oysterbabe · 05/01/2020 23:51

Stopping going to the house is a big overreaction. It's really no big deal, they obviously just like the picture.

EnchantedByGin · 05/01/2020 23:54

I think proposing your ILs remove a photo from their home which commemorates a happy time in their lives is a bit bonkers irrespective of how it makes you feel. If it is a symptom of your insecurity then perhaps that’s what’s needs addressing. Your OH chose you not her and the pair of you have built a life together. That’s not negated by a photo displayed in someone’s house.

Don’t refuse to take your son there please. Using contact with children to assert power in a situation is always the wrong move.
And if he does ever ask who is sitting on his DF’s knee...you can reply with a vague “oh I don’t know, someone he used to know, that was taken a long time before Daddy and Mummy met”.

For context my PIL’s have several group family photos in their home including a couple where my DH is there with his Xes. I have absolutely no problem with these being up, because they were taken at special occasions and long before I was on the scene. I am however waiting with mild amusement for them to get round to adding our wedding picture to their collection, or either of our children, who they absolutely adore, as they are the youngest grandchildren (4 and 1) but they haven’t updated any of their framed photos for probably 6-7 years. In fact that would have been a great Xmas present if I’d actually thought about it! 😂

saraclara · 06/01/2020 00:21

Maybe if the OP spent more time visiting them, they'd know her better, see her as part of their family and one day think - "oh, maybe we should have her photo up instead of that other one".

Staying away isn't going to solve anything, and will just cause more and more problems.

DecisioNN · 06/01/2020 00:22

I don’t think yabu op. I find it odd that they still have a pic of his ex. It’s respectful to remove it, even if it’s just when you’re there. There’s nowt queer’ than folk!

NaomifromMilshake · 06/01/2020 00:25

Mummy who is that lady sitting on Daddys knee, ?

Oh just someone from a long time ago, before Daddy was lucky enough to have us.

Poor lady. Grin

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/01/2020 06:44

It doesn't even look as if the OP has bothered explaining to her in laws that the picture makes her uncomfortable, but just stopped going around. It wouldn't cross my mind that a picture would be the reason someone stopped visiting tbh. And I would be upset if someone just stopped coming round with no explanation.

RedHelenB · 06/01/2020 07:02

You need to accept that he had a life before you, that he fancied and had sex with someone before you , that he lived someone else before you. But that if he lives you now then that is all that matters Once you accept that then you wobt mind what pictures his parents gave up in their own home.

Dontdisturbmenow · 06/01/2020 07:09

It's clear from OP's message that its an uncomfortable position for her to be in
Then OP needs to work on her feelings of insecurity. Her OH has a past, pictures or not won't take this away. Kids can actually be very interested in getting to know the past of their parents, they are not half as bothered.

It's their house and they like this picture. If you can't go there, and seat in a way that you don't have to stare at it, then you do need to work on your insecurities.

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 07:11

I don't understand what is the problem with your child being "exposed to" this picture as if it were something horrifying or shameful. People have different girlfriends/boyfriends, surely it's not a big deal to explain (if he even bothers to ask) that it's a girlfriend Dad had long before he met you?

Dyrne · 06/01/2020 07:11

I think it’s sad that you are so insecure in your relationship that you are threatened by a mere picture. Stopping going round without even mentioning it is incredibly immature and I’m amazed you are old enough to have a child.

As PP have said, this is a photo of a happy event in their lives which just so happens to include your DP’s ex.

If you are that bothered why don’t you arrange another group photo at the next joint/family event so that they can replace the photo? Distancing yourself even more won’t exactly help them see you as family...

yellowallpaper · 06/01/2020 11:55

And I think it’s just awful the way some people use the grandchild as a weapon to coerce the grandparents into doing what they want. Pretty disgraceful imo

RachelEllenR · 06/01/2020 13:37

For me, it would depend on the photo - my ex is in my sister's group wedding photos and I wouldn't expect them not to be on display - but ones at less momentous occasions I would expect to be taken down regardless of who is in it.

I've not noticed my husband's ex at my in laws houses and would be annoyed if she was still displayed (with the exception of big group shots), especially in a couply photo!