Not to invite her?

[creamcheeseandlox]

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

Would you mind if friend A came along but without her DS?

Why will inviting a male child disrupt the balance? Just how "girlie" can a WW2-inspired, Anne Frank holiday be? Just include your friend.

Well clearly you can go with whomever you please, but you are excluding her. Her kid and yours are friends. The gender is not relevant, you're justlooking for excuses not to invite her. Just own it.

Be nice if people commented instead of just voting. For example, the person who thinks OP is being unreasonable, why do you think that?

Would you have invited friend-with-son if her child was a girl? I don't really get the girlie dynamic issue, so if you all get on and you like each other then invite her. Would you be upset if the two friends did something without you?

What? Unless you are all 14 years old surely you can be friends with more than one person at a time and don't have to include everyone when you go away? It's a trip you've planned for the girls and it was friend b's idea so she should lead who goes. Do these two friends get on with each other?
If you really feel bothered by it suggest another trip with friend A sometime down the line but it all sounds a bit high school to me.

Do A and B know each other?

Were all 4 of you really planning on sharing a room?

I think it would be unkind to exclude Friend A and her son, but then I don’t really get “girlie weekends” - what difference would it make?

Visiting the house would be a small part of the weekend. The girls are 10 and we would also be doing other stuff in the city. Lunches, canal cruise etc.

Notanotherjigsawpiece, We were going to get an air b&b so yes.

Jeezypeeps, yes they do.

How well do A and B know each other? I’d have thought it’s that which would change the dynamic more than anything. I am good friends with Louise and would be happy to go away with her. She is good friends with Sarah, with whom she is happy to holiday. I know Sarah through Louise and she seems like a very nice person....but I wouldn’t be thrilled at the prospect of going on holiday with her. A holiday is a wholly different proposition from a cinema trip or a coffee, where an extra person doesn’t really make a lot of difference as a one off.

I think you should open the invitation to go as you say they are in the same class so studying the same topics so he will enjoy it too. Surely friend A and her son could share a room so that wouldn’t be an issue.

But from reading your post I get the feeling you don’t actually want her there.

If I was the friend with the son and I heard about your trip I’d think it sounded like something that was inspired by what they were doing at school and that my son might also be interested in it.

I absolutely think you are allowed to go away with who you want but to base it on the fact she has a boy and you two don’t is a bit odd. On and on about how it’s a girls trip!

You're overcooking the gender aspect to excuse the fact that you are dumping Friend A in favor of Friend B. If your DD was not friends with the son, I can understand why this would not work for the children, but otherwise it's just an odd excuse.

The room excuse is even weirder. If Friend A had a DD would you expect the six of you to share a room? I doubt you'd even find one! Three rooms for six people is perfectly reasonable and you can share any way you like.

Y a b v u this is your friend you are leaving out all because her child is a son. He's hardly a man and the topic has interest to his studies, so unless you want to damage your friendship with her please include her. I don't think you will all be in the same hotel room anyway and she could have one alone with her son so won't be an issue would it.

I totally understand. 2 kids together is usually harmonious. 3 children throws the balance and often causes squabbles. I think it’s totally fine for you to say it’s just the 4 of you. Plus it’s rude and a bit weird of friend A to invite herself.

Ok, then I guess it would mean organising different accommodation. At the end of the day it’s your holiday and you can invite/exclude who you like, but I can’t see how a 10/11 year old boy would ruin the dynamics of a holiday so much. I’m sure he would enjoy lunch, canal cruises etc too. I don’t think this is worth ruining a friendship over.

Do A and B know each other and do they get on?

I don't think you need to invite her because she mentioned it and wants to invite herself. Just explain the two daughters want it to be a girls only weekend and maybe you can arrange a different trip with her and her son.

Oh, now you've mentioned you'll be having lunches it all makes sense. What if she brought her son along and he ate something! Weekend ruined.

Friend b is deliberately excluding friend a and you are facilitating this. Surely the point of going is educational too?
Friend b perhaps wants you exclusively to herself and is using the fact that friend A doesn’t have a daughter (hence cannot join) as a shitty excuse to exclude her.
Classic hurtful juvenile behaviour, including the claim how a boy would change the dynamics (what’s that all about?)

Wow. Excluding a child because of their gender. Pretty vile.

I don't think your unreasonable at all. You can go away with whoever you want and aside from genders a trip for 4 people is a nice balance where as 3 adults and 3 children could be awkward, like you said you can't all share a room and the two girls are likely to pair off together. Unless your a really tight nit group as a three (which it doesn't sound like you are) then I agree it will totally change the trip dynamic. However now that her husband has mentioned it to the other woman it does seem mean not to include her. Really awkward situation for you I would probably invite her and arrange a different girly trip with your other friend just keep it on the down low this time!

Of course you can go away with who you want and not invite A. But come on, to use the fact that you and B both have daughters and she has a son? Poor old A eh to have the misfortune not to have given birth to a female child to be included.