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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 05/01/2020 09:39

I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

But you are leaving her out. You just don't want to have to deal with the consequences of doing it.

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2020 09:39

Oh, now you've mentioned you'll be having lunches it all makes sense. What if she brought her son along and he ate something! Weekend ruined

Exactly! Seeing as boys are alien species and don't eat the same things as girls. Grin

Tryalittletenderness · 05/01/2020 09:40

I think it’s ruined now anyway. If you invited friend A now it would be obvious it’s just as an afterthought.

pollydolly123 · 05/01/2020 09:40

Btw I mean you can't all share a room from the point of view that all 6 of you wouldn't fit! So instead of two twin room girls in one and you and your friend in another you will need 3 twin room and someone will have to share with their child/mum rather then a friend which might not be what you had planned.

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2020 09:41

I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship

But you are leaving her out because she doesnt have a daughter.

Lllot5 · 05/01/2020 09:41

It’s a bit mean to exclude friend a just because she has a son. If she had a daughter would you include them? If so I think it’s not fair to exclude them.
In the end of course it’s up to you who you go away with but seems hard just to say no because you’re a boy.

greenlavender · 05/01/2020 09:43

You'd have to take DS too wouldn't you? Does friend B have other children?

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 09:44

I get what you're saying but it still sounds off to me to exclude someone who is in every other respect a good friend. Because she has a son 🙄

TweetUsOnFacebook · 05/01/2020 09:44

Do all the children get along well? Please don't discount friendships with boys and say they 'change the dynamic'. I would nurture your dd's friendship with the boy as they can really help when the 'girl friendship' shit starts in secondary school. My dd has a great friendship with 2 boys (brothers) who have been a real tonic during some tough times for her.

So, I think YABU and I would say taking the boy could add an extra dimension for the girls rather than spoil their 'girly' time.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/01/2020 09:44

I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable for wanting it to be just a small trip with that particular friend but it seems a bit weird that it has to be just girls (especially since you're visiting Ann Frank's house not getting your make up done). I can't imagine a 10 year old boy will change the dynamics that much. The "girly" trip is definitely going to sound like a very strange excuse to friend B since it really doesn't make any sense.

chuck7 · 05/01/2020 09:44

You are leaving her out and it probably will damage your friendship. There’s no nice way about it really. I don’t think YABU to want a trip away with specific people but your friend would also not BU to feel hurt and left out.

Spied · 05/01/2020 09:45

Threes a crowd in your friendship group and will be in the case of your DD, her friend and this boy.
Why on Earth mention it before it's all booked?

Spied · 05/01/2020 09:45

Sorry, just re-read. Drunk DH sorry

Pilot12 · 05/01/2020 09:47

If all three children are in the same class then it would make sense for all three to go on the trip. You could stay in a hotel and book three double rooms or one room for four and your friend with her son could have a separate room. Excluding friend A because her child is a boy is childish and stupid.

Like others have said it sounds like you or friend B don't want friend A to go. You don't have to invite her or go with her but expect your friendship to change if you go without her and she's upset about it.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 09:47

I think if you're honest you'd be upset it they went away and excluded you and your daughter.

As said, stop looking for excuses to justify your behaviour. Own it, you don't want her there, and accept the consequences of that. You need to be an adult about it.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2020 09:48

This isn't only going to damage your friendship but the friendship of the children as well. Which is a shame, for no reason other than a tweak in the accommodation.

Because the rest of the trip could easily include a boy. Having non sexual relationships with the opposite sex is a really healthy and positive thing to do and encourage.

SallyLovesCheese · 05/01/2020 09:48

I'm torn. On one hand it's not nice to leave people out, on the other hand you should be allowed to plan a trip somewhere without inviting all and sundry!

I think A absolutely shouldn't be trying to invite her and her son along on your trip, though. Either plan it with someone or let them invite you - don't try and wrangle an invite where you might not be welcome by all (and I speak from experience). You don't actually say that your DD and her DS are friends, just that you both are and they're in the same class. I think it would change the dynamic for your DD to have someone you're not really friendly with coming along.

Can you offer a different trip to friend A?

CakeandCustard28 · 05/01/2020 09:51

I get what your saying but seems a bit off to exclude your friend just because she gave birth to a boy.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2020 09:53

YANBU. I’ve gone on trips with my dd when she was younger and excluded my ds. Girls like shopping. Lots of shopping. Boys hate shopping. As you’ve said the Anne Franks visit is only a small part of the trip, then I guess you will want to do other things which may not be enjoyed by your friend’s DS.

Ginger1982 · 05/01/2020 09:56

As the mum of a boy with friends who have girls I would feel quite hurt if i was excluded simply on the basis I have a boy and I'd be seriously reconsidering my friendship with them. The trip has been inspired by what they did at school so YABU.

howabout · 05/01/2020 09:57

YANBU.

Two DMs and DDs is a family booking.

Adding on a male classmate and his DM starts to look like a "school trip".

Realistically the DC are likely to start viewing their friendships differently round about this age. The worst thing to do imho is to engineer Mummy and me occasions which get in the way of the natural reorganisation and can lead to resentments.

The way you currently have it is 2 Mum friends sharing a weekend who just happen to be interested in doing something together which matches in with their DDs. Adding the DM and DS makes it all about the DC.

Booboostwo · 05/01/2020 09:58

Livelovebehappy now that you mention it girls do love shopping and babies and ribbons on kittens, but reading makes their brains hurt and risks rendering them hysterical so the OP should really avoid the Anne Frank visit altogether just to be safe.

ChicCroissant · 05/01/2020 10:00

Reverse?

Pretty unlikely to be a 'girly' weekend at 10 and 11 IMO. Up to you what you do but I doubt the one left behind is going to think kindly of the ones going away.

chocolatemademefat · 05/01/2020 10:00

YABU. If your DD is friends with her DS it would be good for them to do this sort of thing together. What difference does adding a boy into the mix make? It comes across that you and friend B would be happy to exclude friend A. Put yourself in her shoes - would you be happy? And how will her son feel?

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2020 10:03

I’ve gone on trips with my dd when she was younger and excluded my ds. Girls like shopping. Lots of shopping. Boys hate shopping

Sexist shit alive and well on MN today I see.