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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
burritofan · 05/01/2020 14:31

I thought your friend invited you - therefore it is her trip not yours. She gets to choose who to invite.
It's the DDs who are 10/11, not the OP or the friends. "I thought of it first, it's MY trip!" isn't acceptable after the age of about five.

Kerning · 05/01/2020 14:37

We socialise as part of a big group of 4 or five families but I would see a and b and our family's separate but a and b probably wouldn't.

On that basis, YANBU.

FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 14:57

@Italiangreyhound

I think as adults you're just friends with people who have similar interests. At high school, university and beyond we all tend to be friends in large mixed groups. Who we invite to which occasion tends tends to depend on dynamics and particular interests. I'll go to a concert with people who also like that band. I'll go to a spa with people who also like spas. I think by secondary school if you were planning a trip like this you would just want to go with someone who you got on with, the size of group you fancied and who were interested in the trip. I can't imagine as an adult feeling like a trip to Anne Frank's house had to be only girls and excluding a friend simply because he was the wrong gender!

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 15:01

FranticToddlerMum I agree any trip can be for any person you invite, of course. Are you female and if so what percentage of your friends are also female, just curious because I don't know a lot of male friends now (in my 50s)?

FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 15:05

@Italiangreyhound

I'm female and I'd say 60-80% of my friends are female. I'm not by any stretch saying that if you have mainly (or even entirely) female friends that's necessarily an issue. Often it just happens organically. I just agree with the PP that if you have a mixed group of friends and you're doing a very neutral trip/outing (seeing a play, historical visit rather than something which tends to be more gendered e.g. pamper spa day etc) it would be odd to restrict it to only females and leave out your male friends.

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2020 15:07

I don’t think you should feel obliged to invite friend A.

You didn’t arrange the trip, it was arranged by former friend B as a girly trip.

I doubt friend A’s son would want to tag along with two girls and having to share a room with his mother.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 15:10

I think by secondary school if you were planning a trip like this you would just want to go with someone who you got on with, the size of group you fancied

Indeed, and the OP deciding to go on the trip with person B and the best friend of her daughter who she gets in with in a group the size of 4 fits this criteria.

The three adults aren’t a particular threesome and the Op is clear she sees each but they don’t really see each other and the three kids don’t play together at school, so it’s not an existing dynamic.

Figgygal · 05/01/2020 15:11

Don’t feel obliged to invite her but also don’t think you aren’t excluding her because you are

As a mum of boys I’d be hurt if I And my child was excluded from this on the basis of his gender

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 15:13

As a mum of boys I’d be hurt if I And my child was excluded from this on the basis of his gender

I’m a mum of both boys and girls and couldn’t give a monkeys if two girls in my son’s class who he didn’t play with at school (whose mums I was friends with) went away for the weekend and didn’t ask me and my son!

The boys/girls thing here is a red herring.

katzenellenbogen · 05/01/2020 15:23

As a mum of boys I’d be hurt if I And my child was excluded from this on the basis of his gender

Why would you be hurt? You and your child aren't "excluded" you just weren't invited in the first place. It's not a bloody school trip where the rest of the class are going and your child isn't.

Two friends have arranged to go away for the weekend with their kids. Why should they invite you? Why are you entitled to be invited to everything that everyone else does?

Do you invite all of your friends to come away with you every time you go on holiday?

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 15:33

FranticToddlerMum I think we agree, it just happens organically. I had mostly female friends as a child and certainly did not set out to socialize just with women! But have found myself mostly with female friends now.

I guess my point was its not something we 'grow out of' or should need to. It's just a fact. And it's not wrong for girls to have best female friends. I think the sex of the kids is not relevant here, it's friends and who gets to do activity what with whom.

I agree this is a red herring aspect. Good luck OP.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 15:33

what activity...

Useful22 · 05/01/2020 15:40

MRSE so you have to be invited on every trip all your friends go on.what rubbish

FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 15:47

Indeed, and the OP deciding to go on the trip with person B and the best friend of her daughter who she gets in with in a group the size of 4 fits this criteria.

Exactly that was the point, I think that explaining that she can't come as she has a boy is a very odd explanation which will lead to offence. Saying it's a trip mainly for the two girls who are best friends, to take together is fine.

@Italiangreyhound

I think I totally agree. If you have mainly female friends, or your closest friends are female I can't imagine anyone taking issue with that. It's just in primary school there tends to be a dynamic where anyone of the opposite gender isn't a potential friend. (My friend even has a son who is mainly friends with girls and likes traditionally feminine things but isn't invited to parties because it's a "girl's party"). Beyond that time I think people make friends organically based on interests and the type of friendship they both want - it might happen to be mainly one gender but it's not something that's the aim.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 15:52

Yes agree Thanks Frantic.

Queenofeverything44 · 05/01/2020 17:25

I find it odd that people are assuming they should be invited to everything simply because they're friends. How entitled. My friends do things with their other friends and children all the time. I don't get upset if we're not invited. Mum's and children need to learn that they don't get automatically invited to everything. Mum of son (can't remember whose A or B is) a cheeky bitch for trying to nose in without an invite.
Sadly this all inclusive thing everyone is banging on about to save "hurt feelings" is a tad dramatic. Within every friendship group are smaller groups that will do things together without you and we have to all put our big girl pants on and accept that without the need for a box of tissues.
Just tell cheeky bitch friend no.
I think OP is using the gender thing as a get out of jail free card rather than being honest. A trip to Amsterdam isn't a reason to end a friendship. Are people that clingy & insecure that they believe its being deceptive to arrange something with another friend. This thread sounds like the infant school playground 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 05/01/2020 17:28

Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away.

This alone shows yanbu. They are best friends, regardless if Friend A had a daughter, there would be this dynamic to contend with and friend’s child would likely be left out.

You didn’t suggest or orchestrate this so leave it with Friend B to handle.

I’m a mum of two sons and I wouldn’t just invite myself because a friend’s husband mentioned it to me, especially knowing that my sons aren’t close to the children going.

Plus, I know what it’s like to feel like the third wheel with best friends and it is not fun.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/01/2020 17:30

Yes. You are finding a non reason why to exclude her.

wingsandstrings · 05/01/2020 17:38

People are being quite strong on the gender thing . . . . like 'OMG, excluding her because of her son's gender, you're a sexist pig' etc etc. I get that it would change dynamics. Look at it this way, if you arrange to go away with a bunch of female friends for a 'girls weekend' and then you find out that one wants to bring their husband, is it horribly sexist to feel that it would change the dynamic and be a bit awkward? I wish it was different, but certainly in my DC's school in Yrs 5 and 6 the close friendships are mostly single sex. I did once pretty much insist that my son invited his only female friend to his birthday party paint balling, alongside 12 boys. She had a miserable time, sat out on the side and asked to go home early. I can believe that the girls might enjoy - for just this weekend - to have a girls weekend away with their Mums. Also, as a 40 year old woman I wouldn't really want to share a room with a 10/11 year old boy who wasn't my son.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2020 17:39

I have girly nights out all the time. Spa days, shopping trips, theatre trips. I don’t invite my partner, or my ds, but may invite my dd if she expressed a wish to be included, and that it suited the group dynamics.. It’s ridiculous to feel that if you choose to go out with a friend that you have to extend the invite to everyone in your address book in case they are offended.

ConkerGame · 05/01/2020 17:44

I think A is being very cheeky. Two friends organised a trip away with their daughters who are best friends. That is completely fine! No reason at all why you need to invite anyone else too. She really shouldn’t have tried to muscle in on your plans and now she’s put you in an awkward position.

I’d just say to her; this trip is for our girls only as they want to go away with just their best friend. But let’s organise something else just us two and the kids. And then never mention any other plans to her ever again!

fedup21 · 05/01/2020 17:46

And then never mention any other plans to her ever again!

This would be how I would feel and would be the ultimate outcome of the situation.

I would never ask if I could come on other people’s holidays and if someone asked me, I just wouldn’t tell them my holiday plans in future.

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 05/01/2020 18:04

@creamcheeseandlox i would just say to your friend that your girls were hoping for a girlie trip and its been sold to them as such and theyre very excited. Also that your apartment has already been booked and isnt big enough for them. However you would like to do something with her and her son, also history/school related. and choose another weekend for you all to go on. Budget permitting obviously.

Arthritica · 05/01/2020 18:11

Absolutely, @Kn0ckOnTheDoor!

It's an trip for the two girls, and while she (A) and her son are lovely, you are taking two best friends away together for the weekend. It's a done deal.

And sort it quickly, OP, before she mentions it to her son that he's going on holiday with them!

Tonkerbea · 05/01/2020 18:45

YANBU!

But you're getting some terse replies on here because using the son's gender as a reason for not wanting them to tag along is not really the driving factor.

It's the change in dynamic adding A and son, who aren't that close to B and daughter, or your daughter for that matter. A is a bit rude for suggesting it, but I reckon she feels closer to you, than you do to her. That 's no ones fault, but it makes things awkward. Good luck.

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