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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:

Wineiscooling · 05/01/2020 10:28

I think YABU. I have boys and would be gutted if I was excluded from a weekend away based on the gender of my child. The children are 10/11?? How is bringing a boy going to change the dynamic of the trip. Yes, you are entitled to go away with whom you want but I can understand why friend A would feel hurt and left out.

notthemum · 05/01/2020 10:28

Totally agree with DukeChatsworth. Tell A that it is a girls weekend for the four of you. Don't make excuses or apologise this is the way it is. I'd be a bit pissed off with the big mouth hubby who told her though.

ForkThis · 05/01/2020 10:30

I’m a bit confused by the replies, are people reading like this is one friendship group? I read it as OP has two friends, A and B, who know each other but aren’t actually friends?

If you’re all good friends and hang out together all the time, I can see it might be a bit unkind, but I didn’t read it like that at all. Just OP has two seperate friends who happen to have kids in the same class as hers?

In which case it’s totally fine to go away with one of her friends without inviting the other! I’ve been away with good friends a few times, didn’t occur to me to invite my other friends.

Sofast · 05/01/2020 10:31

I dont think you really are leaving them out because of the boy/girl dynamic.

You planned a trip with a friend and I think your other friend is BU for inviting herself. Also the husband should have kept his mouth shut

Halo1234 · 05/01/2020 10:33

I do see your point. Sometimes you prefer to do things in a smaller group. Imo the whole he cant come because he is a boy and you want it to be for girls makes you look a tiny bit immature and silly (sorry I know that's blunt) but a 10 year old boy will enjoy a trip to Amsterdam as much as a 10 year old girl. It does not need to be a girls weekend . I get you would prefer to do it with one friend and having more people there can change the dynamic but I put YABU because I dont think it's right to put that above a friendship. If you care about your friend and dont want her to feel hurt and excluded let her come. Your friendship and protecting and nurturing it should mean more to you than a weekend away imo. You know she will be hurt and excluded so dont do it. Having said that it's not fair if u can never spend time alone with your other friend. It's a hard one can see both sides but I think u should incite her it wont change it that much. Xx

Cohle · 05/01/2020 10:34

You can of course go away with whomever you wish, but I think friend A will quite rightly be very hurt.

It seems odd to be making a historical/sightseeing trip a gendered thing, and that's certainly not a message I'd want my kids to pick up. Nor actually would I want them to learn I think excluding people on flimsy pretexts is an ok way to behave.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2020 10:35

Not being sexist at all. My ds will go shopping to get what he wants/needs. In fact we went shopping last weekend to spend his xmas money - set off at 9.00 in the morning and back by 11.00. He went in two or three shops, settled on what he wanted and off home we went. I went shopping with dd on Boxing Day - set off at 9.00 and got back home at 5.00. Went in many many shops, and my ds would have hated it. Not saying it’s odd for males to hate shopping at all, but I really don’t think a lot of them like it on the same level as females do. My DH is the same - would be his idea of hell spending a full day shopping. Stop looking to be offended - op is best to check out what her friend’s ds likes and then judge whether he would enjoy the trip or not based on that.

Insideimsprinting · 05/01/2020 10:35

I think your overthinking it op, yes i can understand why you liked the original set up of the holiday, but since she has now got wind of trip ans really wants to join in with her son I havent heard a sound enough reason to exclude her. Yes the dynamic will change a bit but not really enough in my eyes to justify potentially ruining your friendship.

YABU just all go, im sure you will all have a great time.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2020 10:36

love shopping, not hate shopping.

PlumsGalore · 05/01/2020 10:38

At the end of day most of has more than one friendship group and it simply isn’t necessary to invite everyone to every meet up. Besides it then becomes one huge friend group and if anyone falls out you no longer have other eggs in other baskets.

It’s only mean if the three of you hang out all the time together and leave her out, if you don’t all socialise together it’s not necessary to invite her.

As your DH where’s he’s taking her and her DS that weekend since he can’t keep quiet.

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/01/2020 10:38

If DD and her friend are best friends I think it’s reasonable to go on strip just the two of them and not invite another child, regardless of gender, as it will totally change the dynamic. A trip away with your best friend is exciting, a trip away with your best friend and another child in your class you’re not close friends is very different and with 3 children it’s likely somebody will feel left out at some point.

Not everybody can go to everything and I think it’s fine to treat DD to a trip with just her best friend and not to include another child from the class who isn’t in that friendship group just to please another parent.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 10:41

but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds.

See, I think that’s rude of her. She wasn’t invited-it was a trip for two best friends and their mums.

A weekend away for 4 people, the girls being best friends-is easy and probably cheap-everything is geared for 4 and it’s easy to plan activities-sit in twos etc on the train/plane.

As groups get bigger, things get complicated-bedrooms, seating arrangements etc

I don’t think A has the right to be hurt. Should you have to invite her every time you get together with B?

AufderAutobahn · 05/01/2020 10:42

Presumably the accommodation issue would be easily resolved as Friend A would reasonably expect to get a separate room with her son - or at least wouldn't mind doing so if she really wants to come on the trip?

But I'm puzzled as to how a 10/11 yo boy would disrupt the gender balance? It's not the same as having a fully grown man there, he's a child. I agree you and Friend B are using the gender issue as a reason to keep it to just the four of you. I would be hurt in Friend A's position, I think YABU.

Candymay · 05/01/2020 10:44

The exclusion because of gender is pretty horrible. Also a bit last decade. But you can go on holiday with whomever you choose. You’ll cause a rift with friend A who lives opposite you though. Forever.
I genuinely don’t know what a ‘girlie’ trip would mean. I suspect Anne Frank wouldn’t have either.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 05/01/2020 10:44

Stop looking to be offended - op is best to check out what her friend’s ds likes and then judge whether he would enjoy the trip or not based on that.

Surely Friend A is best placed to decide what her DS would enjoy - and has already indicated they would like to go on this trip

MatildaTheCat · 05/01/2020 10:47

If you are all friends why not talk to her? Explain that you didn’t think her DS would want to be part of the trip (my DS would have absolutely NOT wanted to go on a weekend break with a bunch of females).

If she’s upset and really wants to come she could potentially come alone or with her DS but stay elsewhere.

Or suggest another break in the future that you can all do. I would bend over backwards not to upset a good friend on the basis of all this. And she would have found out anyway and been more upset so that’s your DH for that.

Kalifa · 05/01/2020 10:47

Friend A is being cheeky and pushy.

Thehop · 05/01/2020 10:48

“It’s more a best friends trip that the girls are doing really...we’ve been saying we fancy a mums trip though. Do you fancy a theme park stay in the holidays for everyone?”

LL83 · 05/01/2020 10:54

Would you be happy if a friend left you out of a trip because your child was the wrong sex?

I understand why you wanted girlie weekend but thanks to dh the only way to do this is to hurt friend A.

Original poster

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 10:54

It wasn't my DH who mentioned it. It was friend b's DH.

OP posts:

Schoolchoicesucks · 05/01/2020 10:55

OP is the only one who knows the child and his dynamic with the other 2 girls.

If the girls are best friends, he may well wind up feeling like the 3rd wheel (could be the case even if he was a girl!), or the 3 of them may generally get on very well and likely enjoy the same kinds of activities.

On the face of it, you may be being a bit mean girls and unfriendly by not extending the invitation. Friend A may have only said she wanted to join in on the spur of the moment at feeling a bit left out, but presumably she knows the dynamic of the kids and may make a more considered decision if they are likely to struggle.

Of course you can go on holiday with who you want to, and if you do think the dynamic will change too much if A and her son join you, then talk to A and explain it and plan something else (with just her and her son if the 3 kids together don't work) another time.

Janedoughnut · 05/01/2020 11:00

Livelovebehappy.

Girls like shopping. Lots of shopping. Boys hate shopping.

These comments are sexist. They don't become non sexist just because your ds and DH don't like shopping.

LtJudyHopps · 05/01/2020 11:01

I completely get both sides. On one hand friend A will feel left out and it would be nice to include her. It hasn’t been booked yet so is possible.
On the other hand, three is a crowd especially with kids and it would change the dynamic. It becomes more complicated (not because one is a boy) with deciding where to go and what to do. You shouldn’t have to include someone just because it would be nice to do so. I think the friend will feel left out either way. But don’t make excuses about wanting a “girlie trip” or blame the two girls not wanting a boy to come.

sonjadog · 05/01/2020 11:01

I think you can tell her the "girlie trip" line, but it is obviously nonsense and she will be hurt to be excluded. So I think you have two options, either you accept that she will be hurt and go on the trip anyway, or you change the premise of the trip. Are there other parents with kids in the same class that you are friends with? Could you make it a larger trip?

Chunkers · 05/01/2020 11:06

It’s not a school trip, or a free for all. A isn’t being ‘left out’ as she was never part of the original plan. You can’t invite everybody to everything. People should be free to get together in whatever format they choose regardless of who likes shopping or whatever. Do you feel obliged to invite B every time you and A meet for coffee? If you were a very regular threesome, maybe it would be a bit off, but otherwise, just because you know someone, doesn’t mean you get invited on all their outings. Leave it up to B to decide, it was her idea and her DH who blabbed. A would have found out after the event anyway. I think inviting A would set a precedent and it will spoil the weekend. Its nice to be nice, but not at the expense of the original 4.

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