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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
MrsLinManuelMiranda · 05/01/2020 11:07

OP, are you friendly with any other school mums? Does you DD or friend's DD have any other friends in the class? I am sure the answer to this is 'yes'. Should OP now invite everyone else in case they also feel left out? A little rude of friend A to invite herself along tbh.

Hollywolly1 · 05/01/2020 11:11

The op can go wherever she wants and with whom she wants,does it mean she can't go for a coffee without fear of hurting her friend across the road.Likewise she has the right to go for coffee with friend B with and without friend A.The op should feel she can go anywhere in the world without fear of hurting either of them.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 11:11

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong-I think the friend was cheeky to assume she was invited!

I have done loads of stuff with my daughter, her best friend and her mum over the years-loads. If I had to invite another friend just because she had a son in their class (I am friends with lots of mums who had sons in the class), it would have completely changed the dynamics. They have days out with their own close friends, I would never expect to be invited to those!

The friends enjoy sitting together, eating together, travelling together, sleeping together etc etc. I doubt any of the kids would enjoy that as much in a three-probably least of all the other child, and you’d spend the whole time trying to referee situations... just so your friend could get her own way and come!

How would the accommodation work with another two? You talked about all sharing a room-presumably you can’t do that with 6, so who would go in a separate room? Kids in one, adults in one? Or would you don’t want boys and girls sleeping in together-that would cause difficulties. If your friend and her son went in together, you might feel like you were leaving her out.

I’m all for ensuring kids get along with people at school and ensuring nobody is left out, but this is a special treat for the girls to be together-why can’t they just enjoy it?! If you invite someone else, it will all be about including him and making sure he isn’t left out.

It’s not because he’s a boy per se, it’s that the girls are best mates and their parents felt it would be nice to spend time together.

Slomi · 05/01/2020 11:11

My two closest mum friends have sons. I have a daughter. If they excluded me from group plans purely on the basis that my child is a different sex to theirs I would be a bit gutted and I would be seriously questioning whether they were real friends at all. It's such a crap excuse. It's not like she's bringing along her husband, her son is a child, he can join in with any activities you consider suitable for your girls.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 11:13

Are there other parents with kids in the same class that you are friends with? Could you make it a larger trip?

Why on Earth should they have to?!

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 11:18

My two closest mum friends have sons. I have a daughter. If they excluded me from group plans purely on the basis that my child is a different sex to theirs I would be a bit gutted and I would be seriously questioning whether they were real friends at all.

That’s not the same dynamic though.

This is two best friends from school. The parents get along through the girls and so have planned a trip for them which they obviously have to go on too as the girls are young. One of the mums is friends with another mum in the class. We don’t know if she’s friends with loads of mums in the class? We don’t know if A and B even like each other much?! Where do you draw the line?

Clearly, according to this thread, nobody should arrange any sort of event without making it open to everyone from the class so they don’t feel left out. Hell, make that the whole year, or the rest of the school, siblings and husbands too.

OP-you don’t mind sorting travel, insurance and health cover for everyone, do you? Plus the itinerary and risk assessment!

Fleaminraging · 05/01/2020 11:20

I don't think you should use the girlie trip thing as an excuse, as a mother of a boy I would be quite hurt that my child is seen as inconveniencing the "dynamic". It's also a lame excuse, unless your planning some kind of pamper day! If you don't want them to come just be up front and say you have plans for just the 4 of you but would love to plan something else involving them too in the future.

If she wants to go, and Is hurt by this, then there is really nothing you can do. It was stupid of friends DH to bring it up. Either way you either lose the resentment and invite them along openly or put up with the fall out. Hopefully she isn't too bothered and you're worried over nothing.

converseandjeans · 05/01/2020 11:31

YANBU and I think it's because you mentioned the child of friend A being a boy.

It's up to friend B - she's the one sorting it out. I actually think Friend A is a bit cheeky to invite herself along.

Just do something different with friend A.

Nomorepies · 05/01/2020 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Catsandchardonnay · 05/01/2020 11:36

Horrible to exclude a child because of gender, and his mum because she has a son. Why can’t you invite her and she and her son share a room. Now she knows about the trip she’ll be really upset if you exclude her.

katzenellenbogen · 05/01/2020 11:39

she would possibly want to come with her ds
But she isn't invited?

So if I want to go away with my friend and our two kids I have to invite everyone else that we know in case they feel left out?

If I want to invite a mate round for dinner should I ask everyone else too in case they feel left out?

If we plan a day out and it get mentioned in passing, should we let anyone tag along who says "ooh, that sounds fun"?

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 11:40

What if the child of friend A was also a girl, but not particularly good friends as the other two girls?

@creamcheeseandlox Are friend A and B really good friends? Would B want A to come anyway?!

Jaxhog · 05/01/2020 11:43

What? Unless you are all 14 years old surely you can be friends with more than one person at a time and don't have to include everyone when you go away?

My thought too. I don't take every best friend I have on every trip. I do different things with different people.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 05/01/2020 11:46

I think you're being a bit of an arse she's your friend your dd is friends with her son, on the basis you want a "girly" hol you Abu they are kids and the boy can join in with it all you are basically saying boys should stick to boy things?lije what?, and I bet your friend feels like shit.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 11:49

Let's be honest you're probably not as keen on her as your other mate and you don't want her to come

This is fine but OP shouldn't be surprised if friend A demotes
OP to acquaintance.

Kerning · 05/01/2020 11:49

Are the three of you in a friendship group? E.g. I'm in a friendship group of 4 with some friends from University, we have weekends away several times a year. It would be totally weird for 3 of us to have a weekend away without inviting the other friend.

If yes, YABU not to invite her.

If no, YANBU not to invite her.

Straycatstrut · 05/01/2020 11:51

Just going away 2/2 best mates I get that. But why do you make such a big deal about her childs gender?

The sexism just riles me up. Both my boys "hang around with" girls at school, they both have female best friends. I don't know if they're drawn to females because their dad has treated them so badly and females have always been nicer and more stable to them, or they just naturally prefer female company but their gender shouldn't mean they get excluded. But they do - from all the meet ups and playdates of their female friends. The mums of girls tend to stick together and because I have boys I'm left out too.

Just make sure friend A is included in something else as I can relate to how she's going to feel when you give her the push here and set off without her.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 11:52

Are the three of you in a friendship group?

Yes, I think this is the crux of it.

wibdib · 05/01/2020 11:52

I’ve read the op differently from most people - I saw it first and foremost as an opportunity for the two best friends and their friendly mums to go away together for a short break and that A plus child wouldn’t have been invited even if child was a girl because it was a trip primarily for two best friends - adding one extra child into the mix makes a real difference to the dynamic regardless of whether child is boy or girl.

I wouldn’t invite to this trip on the basis of having promised the girls a best friends trip. But I would consider talking to both friends and maybe another 2 or three about a group trip that’s planned as such from the start.

LuluJakey1 · 05/01/2020 11:52

It sounds a bit 'mean girls' ish. Mean girls always have a reason why excluding someone from their gang is ok.

However, I think it is up to Friend B to resolve this by being honest and explaining to Friend A that the trip is a girlie weekend and the kinds of things you have planned. She may say that's fine and it suits her but may say that on reflection it isn't really for her and her son.

Leflic · 05/01/2020 11:54

You are doing the trip because of DD and her best friend. Having another child along will change that.
If you were doing it as an adult based trip I’d say the other friend should come but it’s not.
Also I think a Friend A should be able to get it’s about the two girls and not take it pwrsinally given your close friendship

scubadive · 05/01/2020 11:57

Not inviting her seems cliquey. And who on earth a girls only trip. Why wouldn’t boys enjoy Amsterdam. The Anne Frank museum is very highly rated all the children would like it. They could share another room.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2020 12:02

I agree very mean girls.

Justify it all you like with your BFF - you sound very clique with your friends and who isn’t and isn’t included. I hope it turns round and bites you in the bum.

LemonTT · 05/01/2020 12:03

Maybe friend B wanted her husband to tell friend A so there was a less claustrophobic grouping.

It would be unusual to bring it up. Seems Friend B is probably looking to have a less girly weekend.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/01/2020 12:03

I am close friends with two mums who both have boys whilst I have a girl. If they booked a holiday to do with something all kids were studying eg WW2 but passed it off as a "boy holiday", I'd feel excluded. I'd feel excluded because the focus for the holiday destination was education related rather than "girly holiday" related, and my friendships with both mums is equal.

In your case OP, I'd say it depends on the dynamic of the relationship between the 3 mums, and the holiday focus.