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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
Beccaishere · 05/01/2020 10:04

I can see both sides to this, but as the mother of a boy myself with friends who all have girls it’s horrible to be left out because they are doing something ‘girlie’ Hmm I do understand that spa days and girlie lunches are nice and have spoke to my son about it so he understands but the trip your planning isn’t ‘girlie’ your going for a school reason which should include the boy you are choosing to leave him out by banning boys! Not fair in this occasion.

Fruitsaladjelly · 05/01/2020 10:06

I don’t get what’s so girlie about Amsterdam? I think now you have mentioned it you need to think how you’d feel if you were excluded because you had a son.
You don’t have to all stay in each other pockets during the trip or stay in the same room.
Is your trip more important than your friends feelings?

Chocolatemouse84 · 05/01/2020 10:06

I think you are being unreasonable. Why can't you invite her and give her the chance to decide if her son ill enjoy the planned activities or not? Sure, yy can go away with who you wnt but I personally think it's mean to exclude people. I'd rather invite and let them sot out their logistics and opinions as to whether they want to go or not.

I've mentioned this before but my youngest (still in primary school) has always favoured playing with girls over boys. I am worried that in future, his friends parents will take issue with inviting him places because "he's a boy"

livingmyslothlife · 05/01/2020 10:06

My son is around that age and loves clothes shopping and going for lunch. Maybe he's broken Hmm.

Can't have a horrible boy ruining the fun.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2020 10:06

Are A and B actually friends? Do you ever go out all together?

Or do they just know each other at the school gates?

Beccaishere · 05/01/2020 10:06

@Livelovebehappy my son likes shopping! My niece hates it!!! Hmm

Very strange comment to make by today’s standards.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 05/01/2020 10:07

Boys hate shopping

Really? All boys? I have a DS of similar age who loves shopping, so so many of his friends. It’s so sad to see so many mothers of girls making generalisations on this thread.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 05/01/2020 10:08

*do

TW2013 · 05/01/2020 10:10

Friend B invited you on a trip, it is up to her if she extends the invitation to friend A. Does friend A's son get on with friend B's daughter? I would focus on it being a trip for the two girls facilitated by the parents. Alternatively widen it up and suggest that friend A finds one of DS's friends. The only way in which it would be really unfair is if all three of them are best friends at school and friend A's son is being deliberately excluded. I don't think it is too relevant whether they are boys or girls. There are friends in ds's class that he would not want to go away with and others he might be disappointed to miss out on a trip with. He would probably love a trip to Amsterdam but only some of his friends he would feel excluded if not invited. Focus on the relationship between the children and you will have your answer. Maybe arrange a separate mother's weekend.

WorldsOnFire · 05/01/2020 10:10

It sounds like you’re excluding your friend purely on the basis that her child is the ‘wrong’ gender.

If they are primary school age this is ridiculous and quite hurtful! If I heard of this going on in my circles I would find it very hard to not judge you quite severely. I rather hope your friend doesn’t go with you though and instead takes herself and her unfortunately wrong gendered boy somewhere they’ll both be more appreciated.

Snuffkindle · 05/01/2020 10:11

So friend B's husband practically invited friend A? And friend A wants to go? I think if you back track it will be the end of your friendship with friend A. Depends what you want to happen. If you like her and you value her and her son's friendship then you include them. If you don't then go ahead with your girl time. Hope it is worth it.

Howyiz · 05/01/2020 10:14

Do you A and B all hang out together or are they both separate friends? If you see them separately then it is fine to not invite her, it may sting for a while but maybe 0rganise a separate trip somewhere with her?

MrsAgassi · 05/01/2020 10:14

Between myself and two friends, we have 5 girls and one boy. Boy is 10, about to turn 11.

When we arrange to meet up he never wants to some and is sulky if he does. He doesn’t want to spend time with just girls!

Of course, your friends Son may feel differently but I would think she’s better of seeing if her son would even want to go before things go any further.

If he did want to go then I think it is unkind to exclude them purely because of his sex.

TW2013 · 05/01/2020 10:15

Or even parents weekend so fathers aren't excluded. Ds has friends who are boys and girls, but some are closer than others. Parties are generally mixed but some boys he doesn't like so don't come.

fmpc · 05/01/2020 10:17

To me, the main question would be, ' How friendly are A and B'?
If the 3 of you often socialise together (and fact that B's husband told A after a few drinks would suggest that they do), then personally I'd feel that excluding A now that she knows and wants to go, would be really mean

BarbaraFromOopNorth · 05/01/2020 10:19

Friend B suggested it and wants to book it. Friend A hears about it and says she wants to come.

I'd be pretty pissed off with friend A to be honest. There was no discussion about inviting her to start with. You don't have to do everything with her. General consensus on here is that you're a bitch for leaving her out. Good luck.

mineallmine · 05/01/2020 10:22

YABU. Friend b is being ridiculous with the 'girlie weekend' nonsense. She wants to leave out friend A and you're going along with it. I've known lots of women like this in my life and my advice to you is to always be kind. And teach your dd to always be kind. You are friendly with Friend A, your children are friends. You're being mean, maybe without realusing. If this was just the children organising this and they wanted to leave out another child, would you be happy that your child was doing this? Or was the one being left out?
Don't over complicate it. It's a weekend away. The more, the merrier. Teach your child be be inclusive.

Lucky44 · 05/01/2020 10:23

YANBU. You were invited by Friend B. You accepted. DDs are bf’s.
There is no way any of my ds’s when they were 10/11 would have wanted to go away with two girls. They had lots of female friends, just wouldn’t have wanted to go away with two of them. One maybe and also because of the threes a crowd dynamic and there is an assumption that Friend A’s ds is friendly with the girls. I’m an introvert and hate it when a small event is arranged then other people tag on so they’re not left out. FFS you’re an adult. Decide what you want your weekend to look like and stick with it

StKnickerloss · 05/01/2020 10:23

To avoid upsetting the balance of your trip, you will certainly upset the balance of your friendship.

be a grown up, tell her the truth, she can't come because you don't like her son. that is what you are saying.

TeddybearBaby · 05/01/2020 10:23

My son would love a spa weekend too tbh 🤭.

I think if you planned this trip and didn’t include her that’s fine. You’re allowed to meet up individually / go away etc. But the husband has mentioned it now and I think it would be unkind to not invite her along.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2020 10:24

Did friend A just invite herself or did DH make it sound like it might be an invite?

Frenchw1fe · 05/01/2020 10:25

You're making excuses why it's ok not to go with friend A. You don't have to include them on the trip but you will have to say
'we don't want you and your son to come along as we prefer it to be just us four females.'
Are you prepared to say that?
There is no other way to tell friend A. I couldn't do it so it's how bothered you are by upsetting a friend.
I got left out of a trip by work colleagues who literally planned it behind my back although it was a trip I'd suggested.

It's not nice.

flowery · 05/01/2020 10:26

A) Amsterdam/Anne Frank/lunches isn’t a girly trip.
B) Why on earth would you want to all share one room anyway?! If you’re thinking about an Air BnB with only one big room to sleep four, just get a different one that has two or even three bedrooms, surely?!

PixieBigShoes · 05/01/2020 10:27

The Anne Frank museum books up well in advance so do get on to the straight away. Don't worry too much about the tour if you miss that as the same info is available on the headsets. It's a shame you're not going now as the festival of lights is gorgeous. We went this time last year and I was overwhelmed by how much there is to do with children. Hope you have a wonderful time!

Ski4130 · 05/01/2020 10:27

I can sort see where you’re coming from, or at least see how you e justified this in your own head, but I have two ds and one dd and if I were left out of an arrangement because my boys would upset the balance, I’d be livid. I can see if it were a spa weekend away or something, but seeing Ann Frank’s house is not a ‘girly’ outing, and not including your friend and her son on that basis is quite mean spirited.

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