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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

190 replies

14weekspp · 05/01/2020 08:57

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/01/2020 09:05

You are not being unreasonable to be upset or think she is making some excuses. You are being unreasonable to keep pushing it though, she has made it fairly clear she doesnt want to meet the baby. Maybe she is having trouble conceiving or maybe her illness means children would be difficult in the future and she is finding it hard to come to terms with and can't be around them. Maybe she hates children. Maybe she doesn't like you, or your partner, or thinks you will have less in common now. You are probably not going to get to the bottom of it. If you and your partner push this it may cause a rift that is difficult to fix. I would stop involving MiL as well - by going on the family holiday and keeping quiet about it, she is aiding with SiL. Maybe your partner could arrange to see her on her own, without the baby, to maintain a relationship and see if he can talk to her about why

Trafalger · 05/01/2020 09:06

I love a baby cuddle and would be there like a shot.... but, lots of people don't think like that. Sorry to say but she has no interest in your daughter and I don't think that will change.

You cannot change how she feels so I would just give up and go about your normal life without thinking about her.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/01/2020 09:07

I can see why you're hurt but I don't know why you keep pushing her to visit if she doesn't want to. Obviously it would be nice if she took an interest in your child but she isn't obliged to and it's odd to demand it from her. Who knows what her reasons are.

Pipandmum · 05/01/2020 09:08

Your baby just isn't that important to her. Would she normally visit you if in the area?

Mominatrix · 05/01/2020 09:11

I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't.

YABU - it is the birth of a baby, not the coming of the messiah! Some people just don't like babies and don't find it pleasant to be around them. Get over yourself with your attitude that people should come visit you to play homage to your child!

Leave her alone - she'll come when she wants to and is under not obligation to make a pilgrimage just because you think it is necessary.

Honeybee85 · 05/01/2020 09:11

I can understand you feel hurt.

My DS hasn’t even so much as acknowledged that my DS was born (no text, no card, nothing) though she knows. She was pissed because I didn’t tell her I was pregnant, my mum did (we don’t get along very well) so as a result she ignores his existence.

Could it be that she is angry over something from the past?

forkfun · 05/01/2020 09:12

It's completely weird. My SIL was like that. Recently decided she loves her DN. He's 12 now and isn't interested in her - because he doesn't know her.
Just let her be. You can't force anyone to form a relationship with your child. But it's understandable you find it odd. It is.

TrifenyMarlowe · 05/01/2020 09:13

Why are you pushing so hard? You cannot bend or break her into what you want in a sil! Stop trying.

Yanbu to think a relationship between your DC and her would be lovely, and to facilitate that. But yabu to force it to the point people aren't speaking.

You don't know her story e.g. conception issues or miscarriages or even just struggling to find a partner etc. Let her be.

Fatted · 05/01/2020 09:13

What does your DH/DP say on it all? What is he doing about itp

Personally, I would leave it and stop pushing the issue, no matter how hurtful it is. SIL has made it clear she doesn't want to see you and DC for whatever reason, leave them to it.

Cremedelacremenutellastylie · 05/01/2020 09:14

It is weird and hurtful I think. My IL family came a couple of weeks after DS was born and then didn’t come for 6 years. Crown Confused

BlueSuffragette · 05/01/2020 09:16

Is she TTC and would find visiting your baby too painful?

Spied · 05/01/2020 09:16

I'd be thinking along the lines of fertility issues/ her relationship/age tbh.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 05/01/2020 09:17

Infertility? Baby loss? There could be a few reasons, I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s most likely to reflect what’s going on in her life.

Sillyscrabblegames · 05/01/2020 09:17

I have said yabu because you need to get over this and stop allowing it to trouble you. She isn't interested in her niece and that's her loss.
Get on with your baby and enjoy the people who do care to visit.

Inanothertime · 05/01/2020 09:18

There must be a reason for this and YABU to keep pushing for her to visit. People can't always give their reasons or they don't want to.
YANBU to feel hurt but you don't know what her motive is really & need to back off.

KatherineJaneway · 05/01/2020 09:21

YABU. For whatever reason she isn't interested in your baby so stop pushing and falling out over it.

Your baby is the centre of your world but not of everyone else's. Your SIL is clearly not interested so suck it up and move on.

Legomanships · 05/01/2020 09:21

It doesn’t sound like she’d be playing an active role in your child’s life, so why worry. Family is just an accident of birth, I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for relations to have nothing in common. I wouldn’t chose a lot of my family.

Just focus on building relationships with people who will be there. Chose your own family. I wouldn’t fed into the drama of this at all. It doesn’t really matter who is being unreasonable, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and her visiting or not visiting isn’t really of any consequence is it?

Booboostwo · 05/01/2020 09:21

She clearly doesn't want to. Maybe she doesn't like babies or wants DCs but is not in a position to have them, or suffers from infertility, or whatever. Either way I don't think anything will be gained from pushing her. Ignore her as she is ignoring you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/01/2020 09:23

Maybe it's taking all her energy to keep up with work and (presumably ageing) parents? Maybe she's just not that interested in babies? Maybe she's had or having fertility problems and it hurts?

Many many reasons why. But other people's babies are only really interesting to the couple concerned, so leave her be. She may be happier to see your child when it's a little older.

misspiggy19 · 05/01/2020 09:25

Maybe this, maybe that. Then the SIL should just come out and say what the problem is! I don’t care what her crap excuse is, deliberately excluding OPs family from family events is rude and cruel.

Leave it alone now OP. It is SILs loss. Exclude her like she is excluding you.

NoSauce · 05/01/2020 09:26

Just leave it! There is some reason why she doesn’t want to visit ( you’ve probably missed that bit out ) just get on with your lives and forget her.

FrostyGirl66 · 05/01/2020 09:28

Get over yourself. The whole world doesn't stop just because you had a baby.

Many people, especially those with no children, have no interest in other people's babies - and not because that person is a bitch, it's just not on their radar to be interested.

You've extended an invite, she's declined, so stop pushing it. She'll resent you for it. You'd get mightily pissed off if you kept getting invited to something you didn't want to do.

Original poster
14weekspp · 05/01/2020 09:29

Thanks for all the replies. DP feels completely the same, we are both upset about it. I guess there are differences of opinion on visiting newborns then - for me it's a matter of etiquette and just showing you care. Personally I've always visited a new baby in the family, before I was a mother, and before I was that interested in children.
We had already decided that after addressing it with her, and her response is basically that her work is more important and she doesn't feel well, we aren't going to talk to her about it any more. I'm not trying to push her to do it because clearly she doesn't want to, I was just wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be upset about it.

To be honest what's more hurtful is the MIL taking her side and taking part in the great Christmas getaway cover-up, as I'm calling it. To then be fed a load of lies and excuses about not feeling well, just takes the biscuit. I would indeed prefer the honesty of what some people have said above, that she simply doesnt like children, and/or doesn't like my DP.

She's in the menopause and professes to have never wanted children due to her 'career'. I have suggested this to DP before that this is the reason, and that actually she did want kids, but he doesn't think so. He knows her better than me, so I'll take his word for it.

I don't know, I guess it just hurts to realise a person doesn't give a toss, but as others have said, the only thing to do is get over it and move on with our lives.

OP posts:
Spitsandspots · 05/01/2020 09:30

I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit

Should? No. It would be nice if they wanted to but you can’t force people to be interested in your PFB.
YABVU if you have discussed it so much that MIL is having to ‘defend’ her. As someone with a chronic illness with limited energy I have to choose carefully the things I do, as someone who has also suffered multiple miscarriage/IVF there was a huge period in my life when I couldn’t be around other people’s babies, it was just too painful.
Let it go.

katy1213 · 05/01/2020 09:32

For heaven's sake. Not everyone is interested in babies.