AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

[14weekspp]

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

I don’t think it’s just seeing the baby though is it. It’s the complete avoidance of them as a family and not being invited to a family event that’s upsetting OP

I'd be more annoyed about the Christmas getaway. That is a deliberate exclusion. There's definitely something you don't know.

God you mention a baby and mn suddenly all become so venomous and damn right nasty. OP didn’t ask her SIl to have the baby come to stay, to do the night feeds- come meet a sodding new addition to the family. I swear if this thread was SIster hasn’t met my new wife people would be up in arms, mention an innocent baby and people suddenly get so defensive of poor behaviour.

I had the same thought as namestranger. All the expectation on her seems to be because she is a SIL or aunt, regardless of her as an individual. She doesn't have to like you or spend time with you or your baby. She works FT (what's with the quotation marks around career?), she's ill, she wants to spend her free time how she chooses and has chosen (as far as we know) a life without obligations to children. I'd forget about expectations and the done thing and suchlike and take her as you find her. And forget about her as she's not interested.

I’ve never been terribly interested in other people’s babies. When I had mine, if people wanted to visit, then great, but I wouldn’t have felt sad or cross if my then childless brothers hadn’t shown an interest - I had my children because I wanted them, they were obviously fascinating to me, but I wouldn’t have expected my brothers to make a trip to see them unless they wanted to. As it happens, they did, but mostly to see me - bit like me visiting when they had children was firstly to see them, as my lovely brothers (And SIL) and then to meet their new babies. So I suppose it comes down to (IME) the relationship between the adults having implications for their interest in the adult’s children.

Did you have a good relationship with her before the baby’s birth? If you barely saw each other then, I would say YABU, as having a baby doesn’t suddenly make family dynamics different. It sometime brings people closer if both have DCs, but as your sil doesn’t have DCs it isn’t going to make her relationship closer with you just because you do. I’d be more upset about the xmas plans excluding you as it suggests that she dislikes you/DP for some reason, which you can try to get to the bottom of if you care enough to be bothered.

I would stop pushing. If she gives in and comes to see you it is unlikely to be relaxed and enjoyable.
I would also be offended btw.
But she's made it clear she doesn't want to see the baby or you. Her loss.
Enjoy the family you do have around you.

I hear you. Similar sort of situation here. I have 4 BILs and they are scattered to the 4 winds a bit. BIL who lives closest (other side of the city) came charging in with MIL the day after DS was born, they sat by my hospital bed and tapped their feet impatiently while I breastfed, he got his picture for FB, enjoyed all the “ooh congratulations, he’s so handsome just like you Uncle BIL” blah blah comments, fucked off and hasn’t been seen since.

I’m now pregnant with DC2 and told DH that BIL is not doing that again. He can sod off if he thinks he’s imposing on me just to get his FB moment then letting us down time and again after that. Hard for DH to argue.
His loss, and your SILs OP. It’s hard for us to imagine that a close family member is just not interested in the most amazing little person in our lives. Unfathomable.

*She may enjoy being an aunt once your baby is a little older.

^Nope. She doesn’t get to pick and choose*

Agree 100% if she can't be bothered to even say hello to the new baby then why on earth should the kid care about her when its older? I wouldnt if someone was absent for ages and only cared to see me when it suited them.
People are being ridiculously harsh to you OP. Noone is saying everyone should gush over your baby but not one damn visit in 8 months? She's part of the family- C'mon now, thats just rude.
Especially as she clearly can travel about so its not her health preventing it.

Then all this business arranging family things without inviting you yet including other family kids?- this person isn't worth your time OP, thats a really unkind, mean, rude thing to do and if anything it proves that family is important to her which means her snub towards you IS a big deal.
I'd completely let this go now- make zero effort to see or contact her and dont have any expectations of her any more, that way she can't disappoint you. I also wouldn't be making any effort at all for things that are important to her from now on. You dont get to exclude people when it suits you then expect them to come running when its something that matters to you.
My money is on the fact she always wanted kids but put it off for her career and now its too late and she feels jealous and bitter. All very sad, but not your fault and she cannot make you her scapegoat for her unwise life choices.

I genuinely do not think that this is rude. I just don't.

Personally I don't think it matters whether or not you like babies - out of love for their sibling decent people visit their baby neice and behave like a loving and involved auntie. That she CBA to even feign interest shows that she is not a decent person. Neither is your mil for supporting such bad behaviour. You should stop flogging a dead horse now though and leave it.

Society ticks along and friendships/good family relations continue because everyone understands the social rules of showing interest in each other's lives, even when you don't really care about their latest holiday or baby's potty training.

Do you make her uncomfortable?

I’ve seen my three year old nephew four times, three of them without his mother because she’s a vile woman who makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Not saying this is the case, as I don’t know your relationship before children - but it’s not always about the baby!

We visited sils baby but it was a duty visit not because omg a niece/nephew. It was a yes mother/mil we have seen the baby and cuddled the baby look here’s a photo of us holding the baby. This time around we are away for around a month near the due date.

Society ticks along and friendships/good family relations continue because everyone understands the social rules of showing interest in each other's lives, even when you don't really care about their latest holiday or baby's potty training

Exactly. There have been many things my family have done that I have absolutely zero interest in but because its important to them, and I love them, I show interest. Its called being a decent human being lol

For goodness sake. The woman isn’t keen on babies. Stop worrying about what she does. Stop judging her. It is her life. Why does it matter?

You have your happy world with dh & dc, she has a happy world without dc. Whether that is through choice or not, she has a right to be left in peace.

As for her mum supporting her, of course she will support her child, just the same as you will support yours.

Life must be very dull if that is all you have to worry about.

OP, you'd be better off starting a new thread as..

"AIBU to be upset my SIL arranged a family getaway including children but they excluded us and did not tell us about it?"
Now that is Shitty.

OP I think a lot of the posters on here are being a bit mean. This is your SILs flesh n blood, after all.

I'd be hurt too in your shoes. However I think you now need to draw a line under it and move on. She could well be having remorse that she has not been able to have kids.

How did you n your partner get on with SIL and her partner before you git pregnant? Were you all quite close or has the relationship always been a little strained?

Contragulations onBaby's birth btw

I think a few people have asked, but I can see a reply.

How often would she visit before you had the baby?

I'm "meh" about visiting the baby. But I would be really upset about the secret getaway. And I'd deffo be asking around the family about that

Some posters on here are batshit. It's completely normal for a family to come meet a new family member! It's absurd to say otherwise. I'd leave it OP. She's not a very nice person and has no interest in your child and actively did something she knew would upset you when you found out. Sod her and MIL too.

I agree that the SIL doesn't sounds very nice. This passive aggressive "I'm going to ignore you" is a spiteful and immature thing to do.

I think it’s probably down to something you haven’t picked up on. It’s quite strange to not even have a cursory visit or issue an invite to you but add that to your exclusion from a family break I would be inclined to think there are other dynamics going on that you either don’t want to acknowledge or haven’t picked up on.

I think your justifiably insulted but maybe it’s worth trying to speak to mil about your family’s place in the wider family. Ultimately though you can’t force people to behave how you want them to. When you get to this point it’s only you (and your DH) who end up upset so the only real option is to take the hint and concentrate on your own lives.

Yes i think the “first visit to see the new baby” time has long passed and is almost incidental now. It seems now that it’s you and your DP that she doesn’t want much to do with. What is her normal communication with you like? Doesnt he WhatsApp her at least just to chat shit, every week? Would you normally have seen her at Christmas? Etc etc

It CAN’T just be about the baby, now, can it? This is more a sad indication that she doesn’t value her brother and his company much. DH and one of his brothers don’t make an effort to see each other much as they are very different characters. His wife is quite Introverted. sometimes he (bro) doesn’t turn up at family events that everyone else is at. DH tore his hair out for years wondering what we had done to offend him to make him so distant but it just eats you up. You can’t change other people’s behaviour. MIL would never do a sneaky get together with them though, that is just out of order.

Lots if people have zero interest in babies, me included, I wouldn’t visit someone just because they had a baby, nor would I pay someones baby a great deal attention and I certainly wouldn’t want to hold her/him.

The holiday issue is a bit strange though.

If they had a puppy or kitten it would be a different matter as I do like those.