AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

[14weekspp]

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

Utter nonsense.

brassbrass Oh really? Why should you have to visit a new baby?

he’s not made the effort to visit with his child
This op. Has DH suggested he visits her? You dint feel like you have to invite her so why are you waiting for a invite to hers?

I’d have moved heaven and earth to avoid the awkwardness and boredom of having to go and faux-coo over someone else’s baby you'd have avoided a sibling for 8 MONTHS rather than pop in on the way home for 10 minutes just to get it over with?

Oh really? Why should you have to visit a new baby? it isn't just the baby tho, it's also her brother so assuming they had a relationship pre baby, why wouldn't you want to see him? Unless there's emotional issues Re babies it's just courtesy surely to see your siblings through big life changing events. No one is asking her to babysit or even hold baby, just to pop by, say congrats, comment on how cute it is regardless of how funny looking it might be and then go ahaim

It's what normally functioning families do. They celebrate the arrival of a new family member and share happiness of the new parents by welcoming the new child into the family. It's usually a happy event in a family, a life milestone.

But I can see from this thread that there are a lot of fractured families and lots of jealousy and resentment based on some people not being able to have children and so somehow that justifies nasty behaviour towards the new parents as if they are asking / expecting something ridiculous.

Don't try and rewrite social customs that have existed forever. And it's pretty common in any culture. I don't know any culture where the new parents have to traipse around with the baby, the norm is to go visit the new baby or if too far to visit then acknowledge the event in some way by sending greetings/ a card/ a gift etc

She sounds absolutely horrible. Not visiting her new niece is selfish and rude. I think people who do that - ignore newborn members of their family without good reason - are really showing their true colours. Don’t be sad though, it really is her loss and I wouldn’t waste any time being upset over her. I hope you had a lovely first Christmas with your daughter.

OP, why don’t you arrange to go and see her? Get your DP to call her up and say “when are you free for us to come and see you?” You don’t say how far away she lives but could you let her know you’d stay in a travelodge overnight so wouldn’t have to stay at hers?

As it sounds in all likelihood that there just won’t be ANY contact with her at all In the next few months.

I don’t think you should be stubborn and say “well, it’s etiquette that SHE should visit US, we are the ones with the baby.” I think the only way you will resolve this is if you actively arrange to see her, don’t sit back waiting for an invitation. As I said, just call up and say “when can we pay you a visit?” Don’t give her dates that you can do first as that just gives her a chance to say “shame, I can’t do any other dates than those”.

An offer via MIL that you are willing to go and visit SIL isn’t enough. You have to be much more proactive about it.

If he calls her up and she basically says “oh I’m not free on ANY date” then he can ask her straight out what the issue is.

Maybe she just doesn’t like you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yanbu to be hurt however, you are being unreasonable about her visiting if she or you live far away.

My husband and I are 4+ hours drive away from his family. Only his parents and his brother have visited us after our 1st was born and tbh I hadn’t expected mil &fil to come down right after nor stay with us and rather they hadn’t. If they had stayed at a hotel, we would have felt differently. I had only seen my husband’s family maybe 2-4 times a year after we married so we weren’t close. My sil has never visited our home ever however she is a nurse and has two children (her youngest only two weeks younger than our first), however she has visited near us and we were in London coincidentally at the same time, but she and nephew were only there for a very short time. Bil has been a few miles from us as well, but hasn’t always had the time and now also having two of his own makes it more difficult and we understand in both instances.

I understand that this is your sil, but why are you concentrated on her visiting/meeting your baby when you have lots of family members who have and still continue to show interest?

It was bad form for her not to invite you; but at the same time, would you rather have been invited out of politeness and finding that out after you had spent money and gotten there?

Leave your partner and his sibling to sort the situation.

I’ve never really liked babies and I definitely wouldn’t be in a rush to visit someone with a new baby. However, if I was close family, I would visit and pretend to like them for appearances sake, (sae as I did at work when colleagues with new babies visited), so I think your SIL should suck it up and make the effort occasionally.

Is it just about the baby or does SIL really not like you or her brother?

Maybe she just doesn’t like you 🤷🏼‍♀️
Not an excuse. It isn't about op, it's about the the niece and the brother

Not everyone likes babies and they certainly don't think they are as great as the parents. As far as the holiday is concerned....You were excluded because of the baby. Taking a holiday with a baby is about as much fun as a holiday on the 7th level of hell. A 5yo is able to do much more things with as little as fuss as possible. Not so with babies and toddlers

Take a hint.

What I don't understand is if the OP's SIL was visiting the area would she not have wanted to see her brother anyway regardless of whether there was a new baby? Or maybe her work schedule was too tight to be able to fit in a visit?

I just get the feeling that there is a back story here.

@heartsonacake

Why should you have to visit a new baby?

Er because that’s what normal people do? It is her own brother for goodness sake!

@misspiggy19....So what if its her brother kid? That doesn't mean she has to be involved with it. And thats perfecrly normal. Especially for an older,child free woman with a career

I dont care who the baby belongs too, ive only ever attended to mine and am no fan of others. The crying makes me wanna run for the hills. The drool, oh god the drool.....
Id be in no rush to visit
Id especially not want to holiday with a baby

DP niece is pregnant, we have been invited to baby shower, nope, thankfully time dont work for us anyway
We wont be rushing to see the new baby, if we happen to catch them at DP parents, so be it
Cooing and baby talk bore me to tears

It's odd for a sibling not to welcome her brother's new baby in some way.
But I'd be a lot more offended by a family event being organised, but being excluded from it. So that's the thing I'd be following up on if I was the brother.

I understand that having your baby is a wonderful event for you and your DH but obviously not for her. She's not interested and maybe she doesn't want to listen to babytalk

Some of the comments on this thread are really making me appreciate my relatives. My SIL, her husband, and my niece and nephew were champing at the bit to come and see my daughter's new baby. They'd been excited about the new generation of the family being started from the moment my daughter announced her pregnancy.
My daughter's cousins aren't even baby people, but they said "this is different though - we have a new family member!"

Oh really? Why should you have to visit a new baby?

I mean, by this rationale, why should you have to attend a family member's wedding? or housewarming party? or bother to make an effort to see them at Christmas? or new year? or send a card or visit when they're seriously ill? why make an effort at all for anyone, you can just use the token get out phrase: "I dont want to!".

Geez. As someone who has no family as I am an only child and both my parents are dead this makes me feel really really sad. I'd give anything to have family around me. Noone is "forced" to do anything but to make a small effort for a family member hardly seems like the end of the world or hard toil to me.

Maybe she's got fertility issues or something which is uncomfortable.

Can’t believe people think it’s reasonable not to visit your new niece for 8 months.

Shitty thing to do.

It has fuck all to do with “messiah” it’s being a decent human.

So, yeah - in your situation specifically, she is being weird.

Just in general though, for those talking about etiquette and horrible humans with no decency: let me admit, I have been that SIL. Husband’s sister had a baby last year. He visited her once in hospital and met his new niece. The first time I met the baby was three months later, at my own daughter’s birthday at my own house. I feel awful (still) about it, but here’s how it happened. When she was born, I had just returned to work after mat leave. It was a shit show - lots of new and different responsibilities, and I was completely drowning in work, working most evenings too to try to stay afloat. My son started nursery and got every bug going, and was off for five weeks of those three months. I took most of the time off (flexible work hours), but it meant that I had to work at least one day every weekend to make up for it. My husband worked the other weekend day. My son despised the car seat and would scream hysterically till he puked sometimes, and she lives 40 minutes away. We did send a gift, and texted a few times - but there you go.

So, shit happens sometimes. She seems fine about it (though maybe she’s a seething ball of resentment underneath).

• I texted her a few times, specifically. Husband talked to her on the phone frequently.

Given that there was a long thread recently where some posters were saying that relatives (even the grandparents) shouldn't meet the bay until several weeks/months after the birth while the 'little family' gets established, it seems we should match up those strange people with the people on here who think they should never be expected to welcome a new family member.

Family swaps anyone?