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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

190 replies

14weekspp · 05/01/2020 08:57

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

OP posts:
CornforthWhite · 05/01/2020 12:43

Ps. She should have visited by now. There is some sort of issue (perhaps merely total disinterest rather than malice) but 8 months and the situations you describe makes it sound like it’s pointed. Rise above it, but I understand how hurtful it must be for your DP.

user1471590586 · 05/01/2020 12:43

Whether the SIL wants to see the baby isn't the main issue really. If she doesn't want to see the baby that's up to her. The main problem is that a Christmas trip was organised to exclude you all that's the problem. What justification has Mil given for that?

AprilandAndyForever · 05/01/2020 12:46

Maybe she's read mumsnet before and seen the threads about banning visitors after having a baby (they're very popular Grin) and she's waiting for an insistent invite.

Maybe her health problems are worse than you realise.

Maybe she hates babies.

Maybe she hates you.

Maybe you/DP upset her.

Maybe she's rude.

You will never know unless you DP and your SIL can talk it out. Maybe he can send her a long text explaining how he feels and reassure her that no matter what her issue is no one will judge her and it can be worked through and she will feel able to be open and honest.

Alternatively just forget about her, be civil if you see her, send your regard to her through MIL but don't extend invitations or contact her directly.

It all depends on if you and DP want a relationship with her or are not really bothered.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/01/2020 12:48

My DP was obviously very upset to learn we had been excluded from this get together, organised by her, particularly given that she hasn't met our baby yet

I don’t get why he would think to be invited given in eight months he’s not made the effort to visit with his child. They are obviously not that close if he makes no effort either.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 05/01/2020 12:49

OP I think you've been getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread I don't think YABU at all and I agree it's etiquette when a family baby is born you would visit - if your family is fairly close that is.

Verily1 · 05/01/2020 12:49

No one ‘should’ visit a baby.

Yabu

ChocolateTeapots1 · 05/01/2020 12:49

I found it more irritating that people wanted to come over and play pass the baby. If anyone I know has a baby I don't dive in for "cuddles" I sit back and wait for an invite or just leave it a month or so before saying fancy meeting up. The motivation is to see the friend/relative though, not just to see the baby.

Not everyone is fussed by babies and if the relative isn't someone you would regularly see anyway I'd find it annoying that they suddenly want to see us just because I had a baby. Some of our relatives (my own brother and sister in law included, who live 5 minutes walk away!!) didn't meet our second child for months and then it was by total accident as we bumped into them at my parents. They were having fertility problems and couldn't face seeing a baby. I was a little annoyed by my own brother's seeming lack of interest I'll admit but we accepted their reasons and just ignored them until they were ok with him. He'd turned 1 before they wanted to see him, I guess by that point past the baby stage and more a toddler so easier to deal with emotionally?

Your relative might well not be interested or equally, there could be a bit more going on and maybe she's feeling regret at never having children? I think from my own experience and seeing quite a few people go through fertility issues or deciding not to have children and living with regret I've learned to be careful when having a baby not to upset people around me. If people don't come around to visit there is sometimes more to it. I do quite like people keeping away for a few weeks though!

OneDay10 · 05/01/2020 12:51

Actually think its horrible of her to not bother for 8 months! If she was 5 miles away and didnt bother , she clearly has some issue. I would treat her with the same care that she has shown you.
Have no interest in her or her life and dont make any effort with her

MumW · 05/01/2020 12:55

I think I'd be more hurt by a family holiday where we were the only relations excluded.

TatianaLarina · 05/01/2020 12:57

If you want her to see the baby so much then take the baby to her!

ittakes2 · 05/01/2020 12:58

I am sorry but I think you are being ott about expecting people to visit you but at the same time while I am surprised she has not wanted to meet the baby there could be a back story or she is just not a baby person. The baby will not remember her visiting or not.

TrixyaMattelodchikova · 05/01/2020 13:00

YANBU about SIL not meeting her DN after 8 months. That’s bizarre.

I think you need to expand more on the Christmas getaway thing. What exactly happened and what was the reason given to exclude you?

Theroigne · 05/01/2020 13:04

I can see why you’re upset. I’m surprised to see so many YABUs. In the real world this is very odd behaviour on your sil’s part; most people who aren’t into coo-ing over babies would grit their teeth and visit out of politeness and courtesy at least. Can only think there’s something psychological going on here. But like I say it’s odd.

BuddhaAtSea · 05/01/2020 13:13

No wonder there is such a loneliness endemic in the Uk. No wonder people’s mental health took such a dive. People do really think it’s acceptable to never, not once, see your sibling’s child?!!! Really?!!!
I don’t care if you like babies or not. But you live in a society, amongst people.

Daenerys77 · 05/01/2020 13:16

She does not have to justify her movements to you and it is not your business when or where she goes on holiday. Maybe she just isn't interested in babies and does not want to sit politely nodding during an extended session of 'baby talk'.

Bluerussian · 05/01/2020 13:18

I don't understand the holiday business but would you really want to go away on a family trip with a young baby? I certainly wouldn't (think neither would most) , if I had been asked and agreed I would have worried myself sick in advance and tried to get out of it. Maybe you were not being excluded as such, more that the others were being sensitive to you as a young, new family.

Stop worrying about your sister in law, there's nothing you can do and it isn't worth falling out over. She has her reasons. I'm sure there are others in your life who have been more attentive.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 13:22

People do really think it’s acceptable to never, not once, see your sibling’s child?!!! Really?!!!

Not only that Buddha but actively avoiding that child and it's parents.

If I were the OP I'd just erase them from my radar and crack on with my gorgeous baby. People like this are really not worth the headspace.

Further along the line her world will shrink and OPs will grow as her grown children have families of their own.

Ginfordinner · 05/01/2020 13:25

I also feel it's a bit sexist to not take her at her word that she didn't and has never wanted children, or that she can't be genuinely happy without children

I agree. I hate it when people project their own feelings when it comes to having children..

She takes an active interest in other children in the family.

From what you say it sounds like you don’t live near your in-laws. Does your SIL live near her other siblings, nieces and nephews? Have you been back to the area to visit with your baby? The getaway cover up is a particularly mean thing to do. I’m sorry you have had to deal with this.

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/01/2020 13:27

it’s very hard to advice when there is a reluctance to discuss the background despite being asked several times
Did you visit /talk to SIL much before ? You state she has a long term chronic illness

OneForMeToo · 05/01/2020 13:52

The other child invited wasn’t a baby though so quite different still. I’d happily holiday with 4 years up but again we are avoiding the big family holiday next year due to there going to be a under 1 year old. Even as a parent in don’t want to be forced around children under. A certain age.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 13:57

She takes an active interest in other children in the family

Which is especially nasty then isn't it and obviously some kind of punishment by snubbing you.

Poorolddaddypig · 05/01/2020 14:03

Other people’s children aren’t that interesting to some people. Before I had my own, I’d have moved heaven and earth to avoid the awkwardness and boredom of having to go and faux-coo over someone else’s baby. Now I’ve got my own I’d be there like a shot and the cooing would be genuine but I respect people’s feelings who are like I was. Some people aren’t interested in your baby. Doesn’t mean they won’t like her when she’s bigger. You need to let it go

heartsonacake · 05/01/2020 14:12

YABVU. There is no etiquette surrounding babies and close families. Being a close relative does not mean you should have to visit a new baby.

Other people’s children, whether family or not, and whether or not you have your own, just aren’t interesting. Let’s face it, nobody really cares about your baby except you and possibly grandparents. And that’s okay.

Millions of babies are born all over the word every day. Having a baby is nothing new or special. You care about yours obviously, but little other people will.

Andromeida59 · 05/01/2020 14:21

I don't see why you're pushing it. Leave her be. There could be all sorts of reasons that she doesn't want you to know about. You say that you're not bothered but it's "sad for the little one". I highly doubt an eight month old will be upset about not attending a family gathering.

You are coming across as really pushy, OP. Some people just don't like babies.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 14:24

There is no etiquette surrounding babies and close families. Being a close relative does not mean you should have to visit a new baby.

Utter nonsense.

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